Creeping through no man's land

[ACJ]

Thanks Trusting and Kim.

My S16 ended up staying the whole weekend so that was nice. I didn't see much of him as he was working most of the time but just to have him in my four walls was comforting.

Yesterday he unexpectedly had a split shift. He rang me to say in between shifts he was going to visit a friend but if he got himself back here in time would I drop him back at work. I said I would as it is only 5 mins from where we live by car. On the way there I found out a few things that I didn't think I would ever hear!

S16 asked me if D13 and I had enjoyed the bonfire party at BILs on Saturday night. I said I had but was disappointed (and still v. hurt) that people who used to consider me a friend (and a very good one at that) now completely blank me out. I've partially understood it in the past as whenever I have seen them H and OW have always been present but even on Saturday when he wasn't there (or even invited) they still treated me like a perfect stranger. S16 didn't know H had not been invited. It was D13 who told me as she had been at Hs house just prior to us going and she had told him where we were going for the evening. She also told me that OW was going to a hen night (in her words dressed like a prostitute!). When I was telling S16 these things he then went on to tell me that a couple of weeks ago OW had asked H if he minded if she went out for a drink in a Friday night (clearly he controls her movements just like he tried to control mine [except at the time I didn't see that]). H said he didn't mind and then she went on to say she was going to Ireland for the weekend! I nearly burst with laughing. For one moment I even liked OW and wanted to give her a high five It would seem that life is getting a bit more 'normal' for H.

S16 had originally asked H to pick him from work at the end of the first part of his shift and drop him off at his friend's. He also asked H to bring his wallet with him so that he could get a taxi home after the second part of his shift so that he didn't have to inconvenience H twice (quite thoughtful for S16). H refused b/c he didn't think S16 should be going to his friend's, he thought he should go home and rest between shifts!!!!!!!!!!!!! So he walked to his friend's and then to mine for me to drop him back at work. I know he was using me just a little but considering what he has been like in the past I thought he had been very considerate towards H. There was a time when he would've just done what he wanted and not told anyone. I did offer to pick him up again when he finally finished as it was a horrible night and he didn't finish until 10pm and he had no money for a taxi. As it turns out H did pick him up after all (guilty conscience I think).

I've still heard nothing from my L so out of pure desparation I phoned her this morning. I've heard nothing b/c she hasn't either. I preferred it when H was here all the time shouting the odds b/c at least then I knew where I stood and what was going on.

I'm working from home today as D13 is not well. Must get back to it.

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ! It's at times like this when you discover who your fairweather friends are, and who are the staunch, loyal ones. Sometimes, that can be more devastating than the actual divorce.

I am glad, though, that you were able to keep in contact with some of your in-laws, and that you have other friends you can lean on. Also pleased that your S16 is making a minor comeback --- hope it turns into a major one.

Take care.

[ACJ]

Thanks BM

Also pleased that your S16 is making a minor comeback --- hope it turns into a major one.

I don't think this is likely to happen. He hasn't been in touch since Sunday again. I've purposefully not contacted him as I wanted to assess how much he had taken on board after our chat. Clearly nothing is the answer! You could almost say he is a fairweather son and only comes to me when he wants/needs something from me. I know that is partly what we mum's are for but it would be nice to think that he appreciated me as a human being rather than a source of extra income or an extra person to ask for a ride b/c he doesn't want to get wet.

My rollercoaster is on it's way back up the hill again. The last twenty four hours have seen H put forward another proposal with a demand for an answer within that 24 hours. It's all designed so that he can get his hands on the money he wants from me quicker than the decree nisi will come through. My L has asked a lot of questions on my behalf and has recommended that I accept this proposal on the proviso that we agree on whatever draft document they come up with. My H does not seem to be concerned with how these constant demands are affecting me and/or my children he just wants his money and he wants it fast. He says he wants it to build a proper bedroom for S16. Part of me wonders whether S16 has made hints that he wants to come home and so H wants to get the building done as a form of blackmail to keep him there. At the end of the day I suppose it's all irrelevant. Like most people here in a similar position to me the MLCer is not happy until they have taken everything from the LBS (and even then they are not really happy). As my L said I just need this man out of my life so that I can move on secure in the knowledge that he no longer has a say in my life and it is also important to get it over and done with to allow the children to move on. Even now it isn't really what I want but I know she is right if only for economic/financial reasons.

[ACJ]

Fight or flight? It's not much of a choice, is it? Why stand your ground when you can rise above it? Why battle to protect a position when you can take up a new one, anywhere you want to? If you really feel an argument is worth pursuing now, give it all you've got. But ask yourself how bad it would be if your side were to lose? There comes a point where you have to stand back at least far enough to know how far in you truly need to wade. Besides which, if you're less passionate, you may be more effective today

I just read this. It is my horoscope for tomorrow (13th). I think in a way it echoes what I wrote in my post above.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,
I hope you are alright and wish you a nice week. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

I'm fine thank you TL.

I've been really busy recently and at the weekend went home to my parents for my cousins wedding. She was getting remarried and boy was it boooooooorrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg!. I felt a little sorry for her actually.

S16 is not well. He thought he had an ear infection but H finally took him to the doctors today and he hasn't. He just has a build up of wax but it is causing him a lot of pain. He has to go back on Thursday to have it syringed. I think the last few days are the most I've heard from S16 since he went to live with H. I think he just needed reassurance. He did have a cold when he came to stay with me last weekend but H told him it wasn't a cold he just needed more rest! He told him that if he held his nose and blew his ear would pop and the pain would go away! Unfortunately for S16 I wasn't able to be here as much for him as I think he would've liked as I was at the wedding. He had been invited but he declined the invite.

D18 also phoned tonight. She told me that S16 had also spoken to her but he was ringing her to tell her abuot the tutor review he had a school today. He never mentioned that to me! She then went onto tell me that her and her BF and friends of thiers that BF flat shares with were talking generally about marriage last night and she said for the first time ever it made her realise that just maybe she will not want her dad to give her away when she does tie the knot. She said as she feels now she will be asking my father! I said she could always ask her brother and she said she had considered that as well but at the moment she is closest to her grandad and so he would be her first choice. My dad, if he knew, would be honoured and touched. My mother would burst into tears as she thinks that none of her grandchildren care much about her and my dad! I can't get through to her that they do care but don't necessarily show it in a way that she would prefer. H? Well I think he would be mortified. I don't think he will ever comprehend just how much damage he has done to his R with his children. He and D18 were especially close before he left and now their R is virtually non existent. Me? I have mixed feelings b/c I love all of these men in different ways. Mostly I feel sorry for H b/c I have tried to warn him so many times that this might happen. He seems to think that as time passes by things will get easier and everything will return to 'normal'. Well things will get easier but they will never be the same again and he only has himself to blame. However, I'm pretty certain that if this scenario ever plays itself out it will be me who is seen as the 'bad' person placing unneccessary influence on my children. They and I know the real truth and that is all that matters.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,
I hope you were able to relax a bit. Wishing you a lovely week-end. (((HUGS)))

[BeingMe]

Yeah, hope the weekend is going well with y'all!

[ACJ]

Thanks TL and BM. S16 seems to be better now. He is coming to sit with his sister while I go out tonight. I've bought a lovely red dress to wear so let's hope I catch someone's eye. I'm ready for one hell of a lot of attention!

[BeingMe]

WooHoo! A red dress! Now that says something about your attitude. Hope you have a fun time, although you are probably having said fun time right now, 'eh!