Hey LonelyD - I've been reading your thread - and lurking for a while - and feel for you. My W just moved out at the beginning of this month - and I'm still in the early stages of dealing with the loneliness and the pain - and the rediscovering of my personal strength. You sound like a good, strong man - and I think it's great that you're staying as steady as you can for your children - be proud of that.
You've been getting amazing advice from AmyC - and I think Dday was spot on - drop the expectations from your W - just focus on you and your kids - embrace that calm that you've found in the home.
I hear ya. She only got pissy with me once, which i had posted, almost like she tried to get me to fight with her, wouldn't do it. I am very calm. As a matter of fact, everytime something happens that should and would have sen me into a rage, screaming and yelling, has the opposite affect. I look at it and try to figure out how to make it go away forever.
When she talks about how bad her finances are, my kids have all told her, Dad seesm to make ends meet, he isn't rich, but he deals with it. I often worry about her in the us sense. The OM is a POS and I know him, supposedly he was a friend. Anyway, I have been in this separation for 4 months and indications are she has been with him for 5. Wish I knew this for sure when I was drinking, he'd be gone.
She is going thru something of that I am sure. She is miserable, that I know for sure. When she is with my kids they all say the same thing, she is not her, she is someone else and somewhere else. Its sad becasue I know the feeling. I was going thru my midlife I believe when my dad dies 4.5 years ago. I think I came out of mine when she dropped the bomb.
I had to pay bills today, depressing, but I like doing it, I see it "done". and lately I am all about getting things done in my life. I don't like loose ends. I struggle with missing her every morning and every night as I am sure you do with yours. the scary part of it is if and when she comes out of it I have heard a wide range of what to expect. none of it will be pleasnt, but there isn't anything I can't handle at this point in time. this board has been great, it gives me strength when i start to fall, as you saw, and it gives me insight to things I need to be aware of.
I don't ever wonde where she is lately or what she is doing. People, however, find it encumbent to tell me. Makes the mind woander unfortunately. when I hear she is with him, I am totally enraged. Lately I have taken the stand of, "I don't want to hear it and I don't want to know"
Heh, as soon as saw where you going with the listening to other people about your W I was immediately going to tell you tell them exactly what you're already saying, don't know, don't care to.
I have found in my sitch that thinking you can trust your friends and the WAS is the liar is a DEAD WRONG assumption. I don't buy stock in much of what anybody says these days and although I do care to hear how she's doing when we're not talking, I have found myself getting into that mindset of don't know, don't care, if it's relevant to me, she can tell me directly.
On the yelling and screaming topic, your stance is good like the one i'm learning to 'master' of not firing back and remaining calm (easier said than done). HOWEVER, instead of trying to burry it, you need to disect what it is your W is angry about. Once again, at least in my sitch that's one thing that helped create this, burrying things.
I used to just bottle things up (in more wasy than one) and keep them to myself in fear it would start a confrontation with W all throughout our marriage. We were hardly ever open with each other on what upset us individaully. Now I know, that is a flaud way to deal with issues that although may be small at the time, amass in larger numbers and then new uneccassary problems are created as a result.
Hopefully some of that makes some kind of sense?
On the bills, I hear ya there. W handled all the household finances, another main problem leading up to this. It's stressful, and I told her several times I'd take over, she never turned the bills over. So, for her to see me now with every bill current and on time (usually) is apparently mind boggling at best for her. before I'd jsut go to work and only see money whenever I'd earn a "allowance" from her. I always felt controlled through that, so in a way, she sole handedly helped me do a 180 right off the bat
Last edited by dday101798; 11/21/0807:17 PM.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Somer, it is very hard to get on with your life while going through this. I actually was given this site by a therapist. I was wandering aimlessly, chasing an dpleading with the W to reconsider. I thought it was due to something i did wrong in the marriage what I could do to fix it. Wasn't the case. realized after spending time on this site, reading the book and doing some research that this whole situation has nothing to do with me. It is all her and her trying to find her happiness or whatever it is she thinks she needs. she told everyone we have drifete dapart as she had told me, she waicve as to why she left, even told me we had been over it, we hadn't I had no ide a why she left.
Best advice, work on yourself. It is said a lot so let me give you the best direction. Make yourself someone you are happy with and would like to be friends with. When I sat down and did some self evaluation I found things about me I needed to improve and some things I just didn't like. this was before my realization that none of her leaving had anything to do with me. Bottom line is now I am happy with me, very happy. I fixed things about me and did it quickly, she will not change quickly. Make no mistake this will take a while. My biggest thing is looking for her to change while she is with OM, ain't gonna happen. Unitl he is gone, I am distant. Some things have happened in the recent 1.5 weeks that have some of her friends wondering if it is finally over with him. Would be nice, but until I seeit, I am distant.
Two of the best pieces of advice I can give with regard to her:
1. Be dark 2. Do not believe anything she says and half of what you see.
The best advice for you is:
1. Look inward, project outward and be the person you would most like in your life.
DDAY, that is one thing I have found, my closest friends do not talk about the subject for one very big reason, I have to deal with it and the less outside interference, the better. They are consistent. I occassionally will talk to them about it, especially a couple who went throguh it and got back together, but it is usually to bounce something back. This board has been the biggest source for that lately.
It is not the the W lies, she just taks ragtime. she throws things out there that are for her own mindset, her own justification. she does text me from time to time and has called to talk only once about anything. I do not discuss my daughters situation in school or anything else. basically, she walked, she is part of the problem my D is going through. I am not bringing her back into the picture. I have dealt with it very well and have ended practically all the behavior issues.
As for the bills, same here. she did it , stressed over it and wouldn't hand it over. she couldn't deal with it for one main reason, her 3 credit cards I didn't know about, she is now in credit debt in excess of $5k.
When she shes the house, rarely now that her pics are gone and her clothes are stored away, it is virtually spotless, no dishes in the sink, no laundry piles and the no trash falling out of the barels. Not that this was this way, but I keep it tighter than ever now. My bills are mostly paid on time. when I first asked her for the car insurance money she owed, she asked, is it a final notice? I said no, its due. she told me to wait until i get a final notice it will give me time. I said time for what? Its due now. I want it paid. I no longer have a checking account because we used to play the pay it and hope it takes a while to clear while others go through. Not anymore. The only piles of bills in my house are my kids and hers. I have a little holder on my desk for bills to be paid. they are dated and the dollar amoutn written on them. Very organized.
You know what I hate most of all, is that I am now everything. I make sure the house is clean, the homework is done, the animals are fed, there's food in the house, my D has lunch money for the week, the laundry is done, the bills are paid, the house repairs and yard work are being dealt with and dinner is made. On top of going to work everyday. After all of this, I get to go to my line dancing class for a couple of hours a week and hang with friends every other weekend or so. She is working part time. goes to her room at her friends house, no housecleaning, no doing dishes, no wrrying about house bills (financially she is screwed)texts and talks to OM all afternoon all night wiothout a care in the world (at least in my mind). We used to split all the things I now do alone. I am constantly running my budget through my head, more now since I kicked the deadbeat BIL out the door. I know for a fact she doesn't have much of a life, my spies have told me and I believe them as if I saw it with my own eyes.
And you know what, other than the fact that she doesn't have my resposibilites, I wouldn't chang eplaces with her. I like having these responsiblities because when I get things done, I know I had to climb mountains to do it. I like the independent satisfaction it gives me. Although it does make for a tired guy end of the day. I have slowed a little at Sandi request. I was literally trying to fill evry momnet of everyday. Bad idea. I relax now, but after I am sure the basics are done.
My life is lonely right now, but it is stress free for the most part. I did that, I took the stress away. I am very happy with that. she can't say that. I want to thank you again for sounding here. I like the company no dubt. I pray we all come out on top.
Your stance is a bit firmer then mine, but to each his own.
My house was/is always full of projects, so the moment I got home, that was my household duty, car repairs, replace a bum outlet, paint this or that and the list goes on. so I'd say 75% of the time W designated herself to the upkeep portion of the house, coupled with when I did clean things up voluntarily it was not to her standard.
This ment, unlike yours, since she wanted to be party gilr/absentee mom most of the time, the house WAS a disaster. Both sides of the sink piled with dirty dishes, laundry all over the floor(s) the list goes on. And whne I'd go through and pcik everything up, the next day it was all right back where it was prior.
Now? For starters, I refuse to eat anything that comes out of a filthy kitchen, my kitchen has now been THE CLEANEST room in the house since she left. When I walk in my bedroom, I'm walking on carpet, not 3 inches of clothes. This on top of I feed and shop for myself, which ever son I have for the week, my 'house-mate' and his son and daughter and not one utility has been in jeapordy of being shut off as was under the former way things were handled. My mortgage is normally paid 5 days ealy at the latest.
"w's house"? She stays at her father's who doesn't stay there often (oh, and she's not responsible for ANY BILLS there btw). And low and behold, the place is a constant disaster. I had to go over there a couple of weeks ago looking for one of my sons who disappeared after school and even the outside is a disgrace, beer bottles and cans everywhere, ashtrays overloaded with cigarettes and trash floating around in the yard.
So none the less, I take much humbleness when one of 'our' friends comes over and says "damn, this place is clean!".
I made the dumb mistake tho of 'de-wifing' the kitchen of her decorative taste right before the holidays but hey, atleast now I can stare and the baron walls and devise a scheme of my own that is no way tampered by thoughts of the W.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Same her. She was a neat nick, but when the summer came or a party , everything went to the side, I wasn't any better. but like you it has changed. I get comments all the time. and it is incredibly organized. Just caught up my mortgage. in the 4 months she's been gone, they have shut off lights, gas and cable. that was all in the first 3 weeks. Now, all utilities are paid on time and in full. When she hadnled the bills my light bill was always over $500. she paid nickels and dimes. My electric bill is $80. since. Gas is 129. not 1000. cable is paid and cost 129, not late fees, before constant balance of 300-500 .
Yep, its nice, its organized, its looked after, but....well you know.
She will come home, she is not the prize in this game, I am.
