Please send me good karma!!....I'm gonna need it!

[Silent Chrleader]

Feeling better today. MC yesterday was somewhat productive. We talked whole first hour about S17. We see he has been manipulating us somewhat and using the sitch in our M to his benefit to cover up some wrong choices. It turns our S17 wasn't driving car when they wrecked it. S17 let friend drive because S17 was drunk! Friend doesn't have a license! Very luck nobody was hurt! Also, S17 has been suspended from school for smoking. So, after MC session, H and I went home and sat down with S17 for good long talk. We provided united front for S17 and told him we have no more secrets in this family (so no more of S17 in the middle playing us against each other). H did most of the "parent" side of the talk and he was very calm and collected and didn't take the bait even when S17 threw up some of his own recent mistakes. I was very impressed with this 180 from H, because usually H would have lost his cool and just "laid down the law" and the battle would begin! Not this time!

I told H in MC that the practice of me calling and leaving a message and H deciding if it was "important enough" for him to call back was demeaning. But I don't want to "chase", so I asked if he could just call once per day to touch base with me (since we are trying to see if we can build a new R). H said he would certainly try but he did not want me to get bent out of shape or think "the worst" if he missed a day because he had a LOT going on at work and may forget. I told him that was fine. I also told him I did NOT want to be an obligation to him, I would just like him to try "letting me in" by sharing his day with me. He looked at me and said "Yes, that's the way we used to do it, huh. I guess I could do that."

At another point, H said that we was afraid of what would happen if he couldn't feel like I "would like him to feel". I told him that I only wanted him to give me the respect of completely honesty, because if nothing else, I wanted to learn all I could from this. And again, I told him I did not want to be an obligation to him. I want him to do what makes him happy and just let me know what that is, so we can really see if we can be happy together or not. H seemed OK with that, although obviously still skeptical. I told him I didn't blame him and knew there was a lot of water under the bridge, just like my concerns about his drinking. But he is a grown man so I can't control him, and he assured me that he would not get drunk when around S17, and would be safe as far as not driving, etc. So, I again reassured him that I was very supportive of his time with his new "guy buddy" group (which H had never done....always been a loner working in the garage type.).

Then we talked about having different interests being OK. Such as my current interest in Zen Buddhism, and his time watching games at the bar with his buds. H said that he did not have a problem with my interest, he just didn't want to join. I told him I didn't need him to join. I felt better after this part of the conversation, because things H has said in the past has made me afraid that he would use our differences as reasons to not be together, rather than something to be celebrated.

Tonight we have Parent conference at S17 school. Then we are going to start work on house projects. Tomorrow we plan to work on house projects all day. My mom and step-dad offered to come help, and H agreed that was OK. This is a big deal because H has had a HUGE problem with my mom in recent months (although they used to get along great). The fact that Mom offered and H said OK is a testament of both that they care for me enough to at least try to get along again, I think.

So, I am feeling stronger, trying to keep my expectations low, but seeing a lot of good reason for hope for a good future whether H and I are together or apart.

The OW is still popping into my mind all the time, but I am diligently working to just throw those thoughts in dumpster where they belong!!