PM Thread #2

[Can it work]

Hiya PM. I've really been valuing your posts on my thread so thought I'd come here as you asked and return the favour.

First of all, congratulations on doing as well as you are so far. It sounds as though you've been through more than any one person should have to endure in a lifetime. I differ in my sitch in that I'm certainly not aware of any infidelity on my W's part. From that side, I have to admit that I find it difficult to picture myself in your shoes and don't know how I would react. I was sitting here wondering how I could possibly advise somebody on something I knew nothing about first hand. Then I had a realisation though. I do have experience of this first hand but from the other side. I never cheated on my wife but in my younger, wilder days I wasn't as trustworthy as I am now.

I was seriously involved with a girl and we got on wonderfully. I'll swear to this day that it was the first time I really felt like I was in love. I'd just started working abroad and she was so, so supportive of my life and work that everything seemed perfect. Then the other woman came along. Beautiful, mysterious, flirtatous and interested in me! She knew I was in a relationship but had her sights set on being with me. In my life back then, things like that just didn't happen to me. I had always done the pursuing in the past. To be sought after like this was new and exciting. I lost sight of the fact that I was in love with a wonderful, faithful girl. I went for the fresh excitement and feelings of recklessness. For a very short time I was pumped up on adrenallin and felt on top of the world. No girl had ever made me feel this way. First time I was away at work though, the girl couldn't stand being alone so she cheated on me and ended up pregnant with someone elses child. By then, I realised what a fool I'd been and tried to rekindle things with my first love. She was having none of it though. Life lesson learned well and truly.

Sorry if that seems like I've gotten off track a bit there PM but the fact that you still seem to want your H speaks volumes to me. If my first love had accepted me back, my life may have turned out very differently. What I'm trying to get at is that it seems that your husband is blinded by lust right now. I can't comment on whether it's a MLC because I have no experience. All I know is that it's more than likely he will come straight back to you if the A ends. I can't sit here and promise the A will end though. Life has no absolute certainties. IF he comes back to you, that's when you have to become a more decisive person. You can't ask him if it's ok for you to do things. You tell him what it is you're going to do and you do it. You seem like such a nice person but that's not always a good thing. You can still be a good person but you need to be your own person. Don't let your H or anyone walk all over you. Gene Simmons once said: "I am me. All the time. No one has to like it. Except me. And, I like me just fine."

I think you're very strong to hold on while he's doing this to you. My main success came from accepting that my marriage was over. It happened very quickly in my case. I resigned myself to the fact that I could do nothing about the way my W was feeling. All of a sudden, I started acting like I should have been acting all the way through our M. I'm still a good person and strive to only do good things in my life but I'm no longer a 'nice guy'.

Sorry this is such a long post but my head seems to explode sometimes when I'm typing and all this nonsense comes out. Lol. I hope it helps and I apologise to any veteran DBers who see all I've just said as rubbish.