Tired of the fight and ready to hang it up.

[Little Engine]

We are always learning, but I think we get trapped in situations sometimes and before we know it, that situation has engulfed us.

I know this happened to me as well. I was trapped in my own fog and it was because our M was unhealthy.

try and remember the things you loved as a kid, your dreams etc as they have just been put on hold for a while

I am beginning to think about this stuff and what I have always wanted that has been denied to me because of obligations of M. I lost myself because I was trying to meet everyone else's needs and not putting a high enough priority on sharing my dreams with W and kids. I want to build my own house, that is what I think about now and how can I do it in this downturning economy. Not an extravagant place, but a small space that I have crafted out of my two hands. That is all that I want. I think that is within my reach in a couple of years. So when I start to think that way, it all gets much easier. W just throws me off when she makes R talk and then retreats. She doesn't know what she wants, and I am not going to waste the time waiting for her to make up her mind. I am getting old too quickly to waste energy thinking about her needs first. This is my life and I want to live it on my terms.

As far as kids, which you know is what I have been on you about the most, for all of you, you have to remember your role and I will continue to say that until I really believe that you've got it. I do not doubt you love them.

I have been thinking about how do I balance what is best for them against what is best for me. Do I choose to stay in the city and close to work or move back to W's hometown so I can be the daily presence in my children's lives? I am leaning towards staying in the city because that is easiest on my and I can still go see them everyday if I want to. If I move to W's hometown, then I am obligated to and hour and twenty minutes on the road everyday and I can put that time to use on something better than looking out the windshield.