Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

Hi Dawn...thanks for your experience and input..hijacking??? no way...

I found out there is a conncection between H's L, H's coworker (man), and the Elk's club....I hear they do favors for each other....maybe, the retainer was waived until/if things get 'rolling'...

Today I am telling myself....another day on my record for no contact, response....and detachment!

My mom deposited money for the L's retainer....now we just have to file an answer by Dec. 3....

Yesterday, I was mostly irritated that H put on this, as if it is a thrill ride and wasted $200 of my money.

If H isn't in a hurry and his papers were only to 'get the ball rolling' so to speak...why do it when S13, AND S10's birtdays are within the next two months AND.....CHRISTMAS.

More reason for me to believe H is dillusional and acts irrationally with a sound mind.

Just venting out of frustration...

[Sophie]

I found out H's L gives a free first consultation (which I couldn't find other than Criminal cases)...and H's L offers hourly billing instead of a retainer.

Why does that make me feel better?

Because now I don't think H got a huge lump of support money from anyone.

I would place money that his family probably doesn't know that he did this, or if H said anything to them...it was downplayed.

H knows his family is upset and disappointed in him, although they don't confront him....ever!!

H's family is overtly non-confrontational....and they do NOT ask questions.

That used to bug me...it took me a long time to 'get it'...that they could support me, love me...and keeps their son's troubles in a seperate category.

When they come to town....they stay with me.

...just noting my thoughts...I don't have anyone's ear to bend today.

I have 3 people I talk to, one is my mom.

I think I have worn them out!!! <sigh>

[Maya44]

I know the feeling. At least we don't get worn out here! So vent away Sophie!

[Sophie]

Thanks....heck, I wear myself out, you know?

There is a question, well maybe two questions, that have been nagging at me all day.

1) What kind of crazy person acts as if it is so possible to be friend after:
1) cheating on you
2) walking out on you and your 3 kids
3) stringing it all along for 2 1/2 years
5) filing for a D
HUH????

And, who really would consider, I mean truly in your heart and mind, consider such a person as a friend?

And...truthfull, how is possible that an Ex, or WAS would really want a LBS as a friend...I'd be a constant reminder of something like...guilt.


My other question:

I have DR on the way...I've only been able to read portions of it at my friend's house and now I'll have my own copy.

I have another soccer game on Sat. to deal with H. After his mixed message actions last weekend...do I continue participating with his presence in my home...acting 'as if'...until the D progresses?

Or is it a better DB thing to set boundary, that 'you filed'....should you be here? I can ignore it all if that is the best way to 'draw' him out of his D process. I feel detached enough.

[Sophie]

Oh...another day for me to mark 'no contact-no response'

I paid the retainer fee to the L today.

Now, the L and I have to respond, point by point, to each section of the complaint.

Then.........?????????

2 days later...is s13 14ths b-day.

H's timing on this is cruel...especially since there is no urgency in his 'complaint'.

I know, I know...it is so true...H is ONLY thinking of HIMSELF...definately NOT his three young children.

[Maya44]

Hi Sophie,

Just stopping in to give you hugs!!!!

[Sophie]

Is it bed time yet???

Today I'm having the hardest time....simply...my feelings are hurt so bad.

I simply do not deserve such horrible treatment...PERIOD.

And I know it's best to just turn away from anyone who could be so cruel.

And it's seems H came here last weekend to celebrate...to express gratitude or something for me acknowledging his decision...I just don't know.

What's the word..catharsis?

Anyway...

[Walking]

Hi Sophie - seems like you are getting some good advice and using the board to vent and clear your head. That is a really good thing for you.

Sophie - I know you've done a lot of work releasing 'control' of issues - and you should be very proud of yourself of how well you did that with the Husband/kids relationship stuff.

It's time now to take the next step to understanding that you can't do anything to draw him out of his depression or send him under into depression - that's all on him. This crisis that you are so horribly affected by is all abaout him and all you can do is detach from it and try to not let his decisions impact on your life.

Ok - it does impact on your life that he has filed for divorce - but it's not really a surprise to you after all this time is it? Given he's at this stage now, the best thing you can do is to protect yourself and your children in the financial negotiations that fall out of that. If you are married or divorced doesn't matter much in terms of if you'll reconcile. I know and have read about a surprising number of couples who've divorced and remarried - but if you are getting divorced, it does matter in terms of protecting your investments. You know that.

I feel detached enough.

Girlfriend, you are no where near detached. when you are detached you don't think about the sitch 24/7. When you are detached you don't care what's happening to him, about him or with him. When you are detached you are living your life and if he happens to visit in on it from time to time, that's OK - but it doesn't matter to you - because when you are detached you are OK on your own.

You get detached by dealing with business and working on you. You keep your PMA as high as possible, you GAL and you Act as If you were already completely detached.

you can do it. You are strong and you'll be OK.

Take care

[Sophie]

Hi V...thanks for checking on me:)

You are right and thanks for the pep talks...my mind drills deeper and deeper when I am left with only my thoughts.

Ok - it does impact on your life that he has filed for divorce - but it's not really a surprise to you after all this time is it?

I figured sometime H would file...but, it did catch me by surprise at this time. I had been so easy going, detatched, as if,...H had unlimited access to kids to go wherever, whenever, however...and most of that time was spent here without my invitation.

H and I were reconnecting in our long 'friend' conversations about mostly his job, the weather and kids. Kind of boring actually, but I mostly listened.

This has been since the beginning of August...so, I thought H was being 'drawn' back here in some baby steps.

Other than H bottoming out 'emotionally, physically, financially'...and I've waited 3 years to hear those words....we had one spat over what time the kids were supposed to be home, (He kept them out late without checking in with me about their plans...I was accused of preaching)

The other was when he wanted me to take over the bills...and give him money...I was accused of preaching.

I think a mistake I made was to suggest for financial and parenting reasons, that he move back.

I guess that wasn't validating the seriousness of his departure 2 1/2 years ago.

Girlfriend, you are no where near detached. when you are detached you don't think about the sitch 24/7. When you are detached you don't care what's happening to him, about him or with him. When you are detached you are living your life and if he happens to visit in on it from time to time, that's OK - but it doesn't matter to you - because when you are detached you are OK on your own.

You get detached by dealing with business and working on you. You keep your PMA as high as possible, you GAL and you Act as If you were already completely detached.

you can do it. You are strong and you'll be OK.

Thanks again for that reminder!!

You know, I was detached for the level I had to deal with.

This is for me, a new and higher level, so...I have to regroup and detach under new circumstances.

It isn't taking as long as it did to get where I was in July.

It's just so raw right now, my feelings are hurt and I have never been in trouble with the law for any reason....and now I'm being sued. poop

When I first started here, it was pointed out to me by all my readers that I had a ton of anger and bitterness.

I get momentary waves of that through my mind, but mostly....It's my feelings....they are hurt, and I feel 100% unappreciated by H for all I have done for his kids...not to mention of course, HIM!!!

H is still not facing reality and I'm sure turns a blind eye to any damage he has and is causing....he's still a selfish MLCr...I thought he was coming out of it.

[Sophie]

It's Saturday...and a new day to practice my new detachment level.

I have to deal with the presence of H at s10's soccer game again today.

I'll just focus on the cute, coach:) Coach is divorced with kids same age as mine by the way.

Anyway...I find myself fretting over what will happen afer the game, that H will want to take the kids with him for the day/night.

I HAVE TO LET HIM have it how he likes it....what I mean is to NOT try to control the rest of the weekend.

I am afraid he'll tell them about the D without me. I can't stop him from that, but I don't want him misrepresenting me.

HE wants to D me! HE is getting a D from me... WE are not getting a D.

Pep talks, please