Thanks Dday i have read your stuff on the other posts. AmyC, I said it once i'll say it again, you know me very well. I feel like i keep letting myself down. I have been hard to her, not mean, but hard and everyone who knows me would rather have me mad at them then hard. I do not accept this OM and again, people who know me are wondering why he is still upright. Not bragging, but this is what is expected. I have pretty much 180'd everyone, even me. I stay off the roller coaster, I really do, but I can't help running back to watch her on the ride. I need someone. yes I have friends, strong friends, but like your husband no one to really confide in except this board. I am so tired. My ambition, sometimes, wanes, and I hate myself for it. I do not blame her for my feeling this way, i blame me for letting myself feel sorry for myself.
It is hard, it is worth fighting for, but some mornings i get up and look around, the laundry that gets done daily, how clean my house is, the quiet and peace, the conversations with my daughter, us laughing about nothing or something stupid. when the BIL is out, it will be me and her and she wants me to teach her to cook and other things. she takes good care of me and doesn't let me fall. she yells at me when i do, chip off theold block.
I will keep on here on the board, only because you all know what its like and where I am going and what I should do, mostly. Do I want a girlfriend right now, no. I would be lousy company for a woman right now. she'd probably shoot herself after I nighht of me . thanks for your words and the 2x4. Dday, great hearing from you. Like the Meatloaf song says "I can't be what I'm not". i have to be true to that phrase. I can't be lower than I am. My head is being held very high and I have no reason t let it drop. the word expectations is huge, I agree. After my little self revelations last night, I have none, not from her. I expect to go out this weekend with my firends, I expect I'll dance up a storm, I expect I'll have a blast and I expect I'll crash in front of my TV and watch football on sunday. Great Expectations. Talk to you all tomorrow. I'll follow upsunday wuith the weekend report.
