God grant me the patience and the strength...9

[theotherhalf]

Oh gosh, I forgot to mention the one old timer that has been so important to me during all of this. I am sorry Bill and thank you so much for your post.

This is already causing you confusion and uncertainty, in part I think because of the great weight you have placed on this time together.

When H first started staying here it wasn't like this. I did a good job of making myself believe it was JUST because of the truck and meant nothing more. That he would be leaving again in few days. It was easy to stay detached and just enjoy the time. But the days have went on and each one has made it harder. Each "good" time we've had together has made it harder for me to not wish he'd stay. And the pressure has grown.

Would your husband be allowed to simply come back this way? Just wondering.

Honestly? I could lie and say HELL no. That there would have to be this and this and this first. But I am an honest person, and in my heart I know that if he decided to stay I wouldn't be happier. Knowing my H like I do, I almost think that IF he ever decides to come home it'll have to be this way. And in time we'd work through the rest. But down the road, for ME, there will have to come a time that we talk, that we lay things on the table, deal with them and then work to change things so that they can be put away. Has to be that way for ME.

I guess if I were in your shoes, I would do my best to embrace and enjoy the fact that I had him at home. I would see this as a daily opportunity to let him see the changes that I have made in myself. And I would do my best to be ME. No shows, no facades, just ME, who I am, the way I am, the things I feel, and how I show the things I feel.

Really Bill? This is where I am struggling so badly. I am afraid. People on the board here are telling me not to do this as he will bolt. And he does not seem too receptive of me pursueing or initiating or showing affection. But it's me. Me now anyway. I want a different life with this man if we try again. I want to be free to love him, to let him love me. I don't want to hide behind anger, or fat, or who's right or wrong, or proper timing,... but I am so afraid to show him now.

The benefit is that you do NOT have to pretend to be somebody else

The only person I am guilty of pretending to be now is the old TOH have and I don't want to be that person anymore.
Bill is it too soon? Will I scare him away?