Frank I have to borrow your thread because I posted an update but can't remember how to link to it in my sig!! I guess it's been a while. Anyway, read and reply please!!
Thank you!
My latest update The link should take you right to it. At least I remembered how to do that!
Frank I have to borrow your thread because I posted an update but can't remember how to link to it in my sig!! I guess it's been a while. Anyway, read and reply please!!
Thank you!
My latest update The link should take you right to it. At least I remembered how to do that!
Heal and either move on or reconcile .... I want something better. I would like it to be with her.
That says a lot frank. It does not hurt to keep your options open. It would be easy to "kick her to the curb" but your attitude is one of compassion.
On the other hand, you should not stay in limbo forever either. If man-boy has upped and left her then she may "come back" as she did last time, only for the cycle to repeat. I know you know that, so enough said.
The most important point is that you seem to be focused on you and not the situation. That is wonderful. For reconcilation to work change is required on both sides and you are doing your part. If reconcilation is not in the cards by her choice you still come out ahead by working on you.
I am proud to have met you and I wish you every success wherever your road leads you.
I agree with Jeff Frank. You have made huge strides and I a proud of you. Thanks for helping me out of my doldrums today. Keep up the good work.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
D13 had a pot luck for her class last night. Around mid afternoon W called me to remind me about it. Of course I thought that was odd but I 'thanked' her for reminding me.
When it was time to go, D13 and I drove over and on the way W called me and said that she wasn't sure if I expected her to meet us there or was I waiting for her at the house. She was already there and I told her that I expected to meet her there and we were almost there.
At the cafeteria we sit across from each other at one of the tables. At one point she says "Do you mind if I sit here with you, you're the only person I know here". I said "Sure, why would I mind?"
I told her that one of her clothing store cards bill came today and I opened it and paid $500 off, slightly more than half. She thanked me and I said that they were higher interest than her other cards so 'we' should pay them off and not use them.
She replies "well I didn't want to get the cards but we were living off credit last year". I just said "I know, I'm not blaming you I'm just talking about the strategy to get out of the debt.
A minute or so later the woman who was her 'co-vp' in the high school band came and sat with us along with her husband. We like them so it was nice to see them.
Here's part of the conversation...
Woman Friend: I haven't seen you car in front of the house lately (doesn't know W has moved out?)
W: Well I'm working 4 jobs so I'm hardly home.
???
WF: well I look every time I drive by the house thinking I'll drop by.
W: Yeah, the only time I'm really around is at night. If you're looking at the house you probably saw that the lawn was a little out of control for a while (I couldn't afford the gardener and I was working too much to mow it myself)
WF: No I really don't look at that.
W: Well now Frank has it all under control, he's doing a great job taking care of things! (I recently hired the gardener back)
Other small talk, occasionally W and I make eye contact and smile when talking about D13.
When D13 is ready to leave the 3 of us walk to our cars which are parked close to each other. D13 walks ahead and W tells her 'hey, I'm not leaving until I get a hug'. D13 goes to my car, ignoring her mom. I lag behind so W can go to the car and deal with D13. D13 just doesn't feel like interacting with her mom and is a pill.
So W gets her hug and kiss and goes to her car. I get in my car and I ask D13 why is she being so cranky. She says "I really hate it when mom say things like that to me like I'm a little girl. It annoys me. And I can't carry on conversations with her about anything I'm interested because she doesn't get it, and she doesn't have any interest in things that I like"
I said "I understand, she's trying to show you that she loves you in her own way".
I started up the car and glanced out the drivers side window towards W's car and she was looking at us also. It was night time but I could see her face under the lights and I gave her a smile and she smiled back. Seemed sad.
Later I was out and saw that OM (man-boy) truck was at her place. Haven't seen him as often lately.
Today is our anniversary. 17 years. Yeah, it hurts.
I realized this morning that I'm thinking about her too much. I cycle through that as we start communicating more.
I have to remember that she didn't value me. In some ways I didn't value her enough either. I guess that was because I didn't value myself.
She was able to walk away from me more than once though. The saddest part is she did it regardless of the effects on the children. I need to keep remembering that.
I am changing to thinking about myself and my needs and those of my girls.
Last night I went to a play to see D17's BF act in it. It was an adaptation of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
D17 had asked me to please go because it would mean a lot to BF. I guess I hadn't noticed but he really looks up to me, and his own dad doesn't really pay attention to him. I don't either but I'm very approachable and I treat him with respect when he's talking about technology related things to me.
He was pretty good and after the show I gave him some sincere complements. D17 told me later he was thrilled I came. So that was my good deed for this week.
I ended up sitting next to a woman who was there with her son. He was maybe 10 years old. During the intermission they were talking about what he wanted for Christmas. I overheard him saying he wanted to spend more time with her, maybe go on a trip together. I realized that she was divorced and I think she wasn't the custodial parent.
I got the impression she wasn't doing well financially and even though she was being pleasant she was wiping occasional tears from her eyes.
The boy was such a kind soul, you could tell he loved her and she him. It broke my heart to listen to this conversation but I was there for a reason, I'm just not sure what it was.
17 years ago I committed to love my Wife and take care of her. I have done that as best I could. I didn't hurt our kids. I never hurt her, I just hurt myself and withdrew from life. Still, here I am in my house and somehow I'm surviving and digging out.
And I'm still taking care of her. And that I have to end.
Hey, Frank - I think it was cool you went to D17's BF's play. I'm sorry your sitch is as it is and it was your anniversary weekend. The hideous milestones standers have to endure...ugh. Anyway, you're still doing well.
I could use your perspective on my latest time spent with Jeff if you're around later.
