Well, I am officially discouraged. I went to the mailbox, and nothing. It is so hard NOT to say WTF! I want to call him and straight ask if he has sent something or if plans on it. With this rate, he will be back home before something arrives. I am truly upset by this, but I don't want to say something to soon because I do believe he is reading. I can tell by the way he has talk, and the fact he sent a text the other day that just said I love u. He never has done that, so I think he is trying in his own way. I stress, " I think! " Ughhh
Do I ask next time we talk, or still wait it out, who knows.
Diane - I am so sorry that you are still waiting for your letter from him. One quick comment. As I started doing the R talk with my W, I have found that it is an ongoing thing. At first you think that you can just tell them how you feel one time and that is enough. It isn't though (even though in our minds it should be enough). Of course you have to wait until the time is right and try as hard as you can to be calm about it, but still the conversation doesn't end with a one time talk.
For now I would give him time, just be prepared to have to bring things up again. Don't be too discouraged, I've been at this for 6 months and only now feel like we are getting somewhere.
Hey, Diane..actually the dog remark was a joke. The kind that make other people laugh, but not me. Meanwhile, more drama this past week. H's breathing test was OK, but chest x-ray showed little thingies in his lungs along w/an enlarged lymph node. Dr. ordered a CT scan which is this Friday. I got the chest x-ray they did when he had his heart attack in '01 from hosp. records dept.so they can compare them. (Why am I the one doing these errands?Hmmm?)the little thingies showed up then also. He worked in a plant where there was graphite everywhere including the air. No masks, etc. back then-early 70's. He seemed unconcerned about lymph node & needing the CT scan. (WTF?!?!?!)
He had Fri off. He cleaned garage in a.m., I had to pick up a prescrip. He went to deli for beer & was surprised I was still here when he got back. I was waiting for the hosp. lady to call back about picking up the x-ray. Heard odd noise in garage & plastic bag rattling when he opened the door. Hmmm. I left as soon as she called back & took a quick look where I heard the noise before I backed the truck out. Lie, cheat & sneak! Cigars stashed in convenient little hidey hole! Didn't say anything cuz didn't want to spoil the weekend. Went to artist's show & dinner in evening.
Sat. went to stable. His plan was to check the snowblower, start it up, clean lawnmower, stash it. I knew he'd be puffing away as soon as I left. Got home, he was napping. I started laundry, put stuff away, fed the pets. Waited for him to wake up. Left the half-smoked cig. in the hiding place. He finally woke up & I started dinner. Asked him if he enjoyed his afternoon tinkering around. Mentioned the cig. Said I'm not as stupid as he thinks. Told him why the CT scan. Not yelling or anything. He was silent. Later yelled at me cuz he didn't like the veg's I made. Really yelled. So much for dinner. Continued yelling about Dr is a quack. Was fine till I made him go there. Wants to throw CPAP away. Not in any pain, so nothing could be wrong. Told him if he had pain it'd be too late to fix whatever's wrong. Took stomach med. I think I'm about to get my ulcer back after 23 yrs.
Didn't sleep well either Fri or Sat. Wrote him a 2 pg note Sat nite, left it on the kitchen counter. Went to church Sun. He's always asking me if I'm going.....why? so he can sit outside & have his cig while I'm gone. Too cold to do that now! Took jeans, boots, etc. & went directly to stable from church. Came home around 3. "Where were you??" (What do you care??) Guy from church dropped off pledge card so he figured I hadn't been at church. Well, where was he worried I went? If he wasn't so big on nasty tantrums he wouldn't have to worry, right? As usual, since I was gone, hadn't talked & was obviously not going to, he was very quiet, then started being nice. AAAAAAGGHHHH!
Made dinner, set the table w/cloth, good china, candles, cloth napkins. He's "What's all this for?" "Cuz this is how genteel polite people dine". Turned off the damn TV ("so we can make polite dinner conversation"), put music on. He actually attempted conversation, sat till I was finished & politely cleared the table. He's usually done before I am & leaves the table, goes back to TV. A demonstrated message that evidently got thru. No apology for the smoking lie, nor the Sat. dinner tantrum.
He hooked up the CPAP so I could try sleeping w/it. AHA! 3 problems I can see. Things to work out w/lady who comes tom'w a.m. He tried it again last nite, made it about 4 hrs. Says he'll try it again tonite. Why the turnaround? I think he's genuinely worried for my health. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde again. I told him I just can't sleep when he's making so much noise. Hated it when he was on 3rd shift, but, boy, did I sleep well during those weeks! He can conk out in less than 30 seconds. Too bad my knees are junk or I could start running again & be so whacked all the time I'd fall asleep before he does LOL.
So now he's home, wants to sit with me, have his after work snack & wine. Wonder if he'll ever say anything about the smoking lies. I know he's always relied on nicotine & alcohol to relax since he's has anxiety & describes himself as nervous. I realize he's afraid to stop for that reason. Does he? Asked that in the Sat. nite note, but no answer. Counseling is out of the question for him, too. Why are our guys so averse to confronting their demons & resolving things so they could have some peace of mind. S t u b b o r nnnnnnnnnn or scared, which is it?
Another turnaround of sorts, he's back to reading, at least yesterday. I think he was skimming some of it since he did 70 pages. Didn't pick it up again today.
Did you write your letter to your H yet? Its hard to sift it down to a short list isn't it? I've always ended up scrapping the first one & starting over, cutting stuff out. He's not going to say much about it either way, but I do get to finish the sentences w/out getting interrupted or argued with! Too bad he doesn't realize that might work for him, too.
Hang tough. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
Jayce - I'm not sure if you have ever tried earplugs but they work wonders for blocking out snoring noises (including cat snoring ). My W snores sometimes and she even claims I do too (I still want proof but... whatever). They do take some getting used to and the one drawback is you may not hear your alarm in the morning if it isn't loud enough. It's worth a try anyway.
I had a CT scan done recently because my Doc thought I had TB. My thought was "How in the hell could I have gotten that? No Way." At my old job I had very little contact with other people. But I did it anyway. All negative including the skin test that they do for it. Better safe than sorry though. It is a guy thing to just think that nothing can go wrong with our bodies and if it doesn't hurt then nothing is wrong.
Keep working those stubborn guys ladies they may soon come around.
Just wanted to post quickly as I have been SUPER busy, and have not been here.
I have NOT received anything yet ( letter wise ) and I am now thinking maybe he has just gone back into his shell. ARGHH! BUT, I have not given up hope. With out situation being extra difficult cause he kinda don't live together, I have done something. I bought him a lab top for Christmas. weeeeeeeeee SO, we can eventually send emails regularly. I won't have to wait for a letter and I can respond. I'm thinking that after Christmas is when the true change will start. That is when we will be on the road to recovery per say, or I will move on. I'm going to the mail box later, hopefully Ill be back telling you all about what I got..... If not it will be me not so happy.
thanks Jayce and Cinco for responding. Ill be back later to truly respond.
Cinco, thanks for the ear plug idea. If the problem were only the snoring, no big deal. With sleep apnea, snoring is the least of the problem. Besides that I can hear him stop breathing if I'm awake, he wakes up many times (35 or more) in an hour. Only for a couple seconds. To be aware you're awake takes 6-7 seconds or more, so you never know you woke up. Your body does, tho. This interrupts the normal flow of sleep phases. It also cuts down oxygen intake (he gets down to 80%)and raises the heart rate. Your heart can only rest between beats, so a low heart rate during sleep is vital. The higher heart rate, lower oxygen & interrupted phases leads to heart attacks, strokes, type 2 diabetes, depression, irritability, falling asleep during the day, ED and loss of libido. That's what I meant by being hard to lie there listening to him snore cuz I know its gradually killing him.
H doesn't always snore all night and sometimes not every night, but he still does the waking up. Our friend has had a CPAP for 7 years. They found he was waking up 100 times an hour! Think he was tired all the time? Drives a bus. Wife was afraid he'd fall asleep & crash a bus full of people. 85% of men w/apnea were dragged (kicking & screaming?) to the Dr. by their wives!
The resp. therapist is changing the machine he's using for one that has more variable air flow. (I tried his Sun. nite & can see why he felt out of breath from it). He's agreed to try the new one. After 2 wks, then they can set the correct air flow so he'll be comfortable.
I hope the CT scan shows the lymph node's enlarged cuz of an infection...something easy to fix. I'm scared to death its lung cancer or lymphoma. His family has history w/cancer including his bro's death from lung cancer. On that cheery, optimistic note I'll move on to a question for you:
If your wife didn't have LD & you knew you could have sex any time you wanted, would it be on your mind all the time like it is now? The minute my H said he had no libido & didn't care, it was all I could think about. Even with the improvement over these long months, its never far from my mind. Back when life was normal..if it ever was.... I only thought about it maybe half the time. How about you? I'd add LOL, but you might not be into dark humor. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
If your wife didn't have LD & you knew you could have sex any time you wanted, would it be on your mind all the time like it is now?
This is a very good question. I suspect that my life would have unfolded in totally different way if I had had an HD partner. Like a hunger that could not be fed properly though, I have wasted a lot of energy on the pursuit of sex. It can be fed in a healthy way, but it never was.
Like an addict with no way to easily get a fix, I spent my time worrying about and trying to get the next one.... or acting out some other behavior trying to fill the void or block out the pain. Some of them where actually good like playing music (GAL activities).
My answer would be NO I would not think of sex constantly if she was HD.
What does your husband say about all the risks in not working with the machines. When you say things to him like you have us here.... ( Its slowly killing you ) How does he respond??
No letter........... no comments......... nothing! Pretty unhappy, and feeling like I'm a fool for thinking some kind of change would happen. DO I ask, or wait? Or wait until he gets his lab top and see if that helps.
haven't been posting much, sorry. Jayce> Thinking of u always......... Hope your well.
Cinco
). My W snores sometimes and she even claims I do too (I still want proof but... whatever). They do take some getting used to and the one drawback is you may not hear your alarm in the morning if it isn't loud enough. It's worth a try anyway.
Had to chime in there cause its what I thought of immediately.