Thanks for checking on me. I am a long way from making the call. I have posted here for thoughts, so thank you for yours.
I cannot get a good read on my gut which is one of the reasons I will not make the call right now. In addition to posting here, I am going to talk with a trusted relative of mine (not H's)tonight for his thoughts. I will also ask this relative to get H to meet with him. Not to discuss me or any theories about depression, but so that my relative can form his own opinion.
Part of the problem is that until the dinner I had with H's partner on Monday, I thought H was only miserable when he was around me. Then his partner told me how angry and miserable he is all day at work. So, I think the more people we know in common who can see him and help assess his state, the better.
I am also reading as much as I can on the MLC board. I am not convinced H is in MLC - it's possible but some of the things I see repeatedly in other threads are missing in H, so I'm not sure. I am pretty certain that he is depressed. I do realize that I cannot make him admit that or make him better but since this resource is out there, I want to give it due consideration.
Another reason I hesitate about making the call is that H may very well suspect me. On the day he left me (pre-DB knowledge) I gave him an article on the symptoms of depression in men. I have since backed off trying to convince him he has depression but he could easily suspect me.
I think what I will likely do is wait. I do believe the partner I had dinner with would call me if he gets worse. She asked what she could do. At that point, I could always ask her to make the call to the program. After all, she is a lwyer, too and more responsible for him professionally than I am.
I spoke with a partner in my firm who is on a committee in our city to help attorneys with mental health issues. He recommends the following:
I contact the partner with whom I had dinner. Tell her there is likely a partner or a small committee within her firm set up to deal with these issues and then let her/them take it from there.
That way I am uninvolved (beyond telling the partner how to proceed) and he may be inclined to at least consider that something is wrong with him if his employer is telling him there are problems.
I am really tired tonight. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of wondering. I think this must be normal and part of the path to detaching.
When this nightmare first began, I visited a different website on MLC and someone there told me "you must detach from your H, immediately!" like he was a vest wrapped around me secured by velcro that I could simply remove. Or at least that is how it sounded to me.
I am starting to discover that, at least for me, detachment is a slow process. Little by little I am getting so tired of worrying about H and what he thinks and feels and the effect that has on me that my body or my soul or some part of me is forcing my mind to start telling me, "maybe just stop thinking about it for a little bit, just for an hour."
I am also starting to understand the phrase "loving detachment." When I first heard it, I thought it was impossible, a total contradiction in terms. Now I think it is an oxymoron and totally possible. I love H every bit as much as the day I married him, I just need to stop thining about him and his issues to my own detriment.
That said, I am still a big old work in progress, so for those of you looking out for me, I will probably mess this up some and cry and feel lonely and really want more of the amazing support you all have been giving to me.
You people keep me from feeling alone in this fight. No one else gets it like you all. See, no sooner said than the water works start. Man I cry alot.
{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}}} There is no real "messing it up"..no one is going to be "our version of perfect" all of the time..it's just too hard and too much pressure on ourselves..again trying to measure up to some standard you know?
Give yourself a break..even the people that give us the "Tough love 2 x 4's "we need on here are doing it with love and not in a "you are not good enough kind of way"..I'm so glad you are doing better and for me it is a process too..do I miss my hub, even tho he's still in the same house, YES..more than I can say..do I feel better about the sitch and not so "desperate", yes..I have found I can still have fun with the kids without him here/with us, I can still take care of most things I need to, I am an okay person LOL
As far as detaching, I think each person is different in that some personalities/people can probably instantly detach and compartmentalize easier than others..I can't, I'm much more emotionally driven that than..but it has gotten better in the past 6 weeks..and for you too..
Still wish I had someone to hang out with on those Fri/Sat bluesy nights..but oh well..baby steps for all of us
Hugs to you my friend and thanks for checking on me {{{Beth}}}
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
