Thank you for the advice, Dash, and the push to take control of the situation.
When I first read the DR, the MLC chapter seemed more applicable to me. I did not know about his A although I did suspect it for quite some time. I need to re-read DR and look at this forum for advice on handling EA/PA.
H has refused MC, but today he called to let me know he made appt for IC on Thursday! This is good news, right? Better he confide in a professional rather than OW. I wish I could be a fly on the wall during that session. I would love to know what he has been doing, who he has been doing it with, and more importantly, what his thoughts are about his life and marriage...
Triste,
I just posted this to someone else, but I think it applies to you as well (exchange "him" for "her", obviously):
Quote:
At this point, you have a marital problem, and a rather serious one at that. Marital problems require marital counseling -- not individual counseling (altho if your wife wants to do that IN ADDITION to the MCing, and if you can afford it, that's fine).
It seems to me, she either wants to be married to you, or she doesn't. If she does, it also seems reasonable to me for you to let her know of your own personal boundaries, and perhaps they are:
1) That you two go, together, to a good marriage counselor; and
2) That she end her affairs -- PERIOD.
Let her know that YOU are willing to work on any and all issues, including yours, but NOT while there is a third person in the marriage (it's almost entirely useless to MC while there's an active affair going on, much less multiple ones).
I would further let her know that DOING NOTHING is not an option for you. So either she wants to work on your marriage, or she's free to divorce you, but you don't intend to wait forever.
But that's just me. I've never used the phone counselors on this site, but I hear some of them are very good. I would recommend that the two of you see someone who specializes in infidelity, however.
If she refuses to go with you, or do joint phone MCing, then the counselors on this site might be able to help you individually in dealing with her.
Puppy, thank you for the advice re: confronting H and simply repeating my line. I need a game plan for these very emotional situations.
I agree that MCing would be the best option, but his getting IC is still more constructive than simply using OW to deal with MLC or whatever his issues may be. I am a little concerned that it is IC instead of MC because MC is more focused on the marriage and IC will be focused on just H, rather than all 3 lives in our family. I am doing IC only because he will not do MC.
I was thinking about installing a keylogger on his computer just to know what is happening with OW, is he still seeing her, etc. because he doesn't tell me anything. (I actually tried to install one yesterday but it did not work) But now that he is getting IC, I feel like this would be the wrong thing to do, and it is almost like I have compassion for him. What is wrong with me?
Okay, he admitted that the reason he was not at work that Sunday (the first day I posted)was that he went to see the OW, but the reason he went to see her was to "cut things off completely" with her. He wants to "focus on us" now, which is why he cut things off with her and why he is going to IC. He said after a couple months, or however long it takes him to decide, if we both decide to continue marriage we will go to MC.
So I am relieved, but still very anxious. The OW is out of the picture but I am still in limbo. I would feel better if we could go to MC together now so we could work together on improving our marriage. The way things stand now, it feels like I am on an extended audition to be his wife. We are going out to dinner tonight, alone, and I am a little nervous.
Instead of deciding whether he should continue the marriage, shouldn't he be seeing if he is able to repair the marriage and have a happy one with you? He's looking at it all wrong. If there is anything you can do to get in some pro marriage counseling together I would do it.
Did you ever install the keylogger? I wouldn't go by what your husband tells you, because all cheaters lie.
Is he willing to do no-contact and full transparency with you? Just TELL him that you're nervous, and that -- considering what's happened -- that you have a hard time trusting him again, and that this is what you need.
Puppy, I finally did get keylogger working. It does not record passwords, so I cannot get into his email, but I did get screenshot of email OW sent him four days ago. She said she just wanted to say hi, hopes it is ok" to tell him that she misses him, and she loves him with all her heart. Said she was working on reply to email he sent her, but she doesn't have internet access yet at her apartment. So it does seem to support that he is not in contact with her. It records all keystrokes, and he has not logged into that email account since I installed it last Saturday except for that email. Of course he could be accessing that account at work, but if he was "in love" with her he would be checking in the evening too.
What do you mean by no-contact and full transparency? Thanks, Puppy.
"No contact" means that the formerly cheating spouse sends a letter to their OM/OW, telling them that they can no longer EVER have ANY contact with them, and that what they did was wrong, and that they've decided to work on their marriage, and to please respect that decision and never contact them again either. The content of it is to be approved by the betrayed spouse, so that he/she feels comfortable with it, and then the BS is to be the one to mail it, to make sure nothing is added or embellished.
"Transparency" means that the formerly wayward spouse agrees to be transparent with their husband/wife, by changing their cellphone # (with detailed billing coming to the betrayed spouse), home #, e-mail address(es), exchanging daily schedules, etc. -- anything the BS needs in order an indefinite period of time in order to learn to rebuild trust again.
It's essential, and just the requesting of it will almost always flush out any B.S. (and this time, I don't mean "Betrayed Spouse" )
whatdidido - I agree that it would be better if we had MC, and my IC agrees too, but you cannot make my H agree. I wonder if my H's IC agrees? If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!
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