Wife and I started on the living room redo last night when we got home from work.....just some initial prep work.
This brings up some things again that still don't make much sense to me in all this...so just here to vent a little.
Through the talk of new TV, new furniture, picking up paint and getting started on this, I am having a bit of an issue with all of this....not necessarily looking for input, but.....
A few times last night I really had to stop myself from making comments that could have opened up an R discussion...find my patience this week is not what it has been with her and the fact that she is planning all this work around the house, but refuses to give me a hint as to what the future holds for us.
I know...the hints come in actions not words and everyone, especially the AWA ladies have given me enough insight over the months on here to have some idea of what she may be thinking and going through...I get that...waiting, watching..testing and trying to keep me on my toes.
Maybe that's what this is all about right now...more subconscious tests for me to pass?
But really, after 7 months is it too much to ask, as we delve into a project like this, spending thousands of dollars and working together on it, for her to open the door just a crack?
So, I am left with assuming that this is a good sign. She wants to work on the "nest" and has for the most part included me....or is she cold, cruel and not the least bit concerned with what I am feeling or the fact she has allowed us to be so close all these months? She gets the house redecorated and I am here to help and contribute.
Which makes more sense? You know...sorry, but I could still go either way by the total lack of verbal communication about the situation.
To me, she is making some sweeping assumptions in her mind. The assumption that I am still completely on board with a separation and have accepted it, even though we are getting along and acting like a happily married couple and planning on redecorating the house...holidays together, guests at the house...we are the happy couple.
Or...the assumption that she does not have to say anything and I should know by her actions that she is "working on us".
I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone...and really, I am not trying to create drama in my head....but here is how I am looking at this today...good or bad.
I was supposed to have spent the last several months detaching from her, GAL and "moving on"....now in my sitch, that didn't happen. We have basically gone through the last several months getting closer and having a great time....but she still, when she feels it is needed, gives me a reminder that nothing has changed...still wants to separate.
So, in my mind, how close should I have let myself become...do I really want to forget that this could all come to a screeching halt tomorrow....per her reminders?
...and what if...as I am detaching and keeping in my mind that this just is too good to be true(her reminders), she is not being completely honest with me and is allowing herself to be drawn back in and is truly at a point where she thinks it will all work out?
What if I give up before she gives in? Where does that leave her? That right there tells me she is just assuming that I am going to be there, ready, willing and waiting, no matter how long it takes, if at all....or to her, it just doesn't matter at this point...she is still set on a separation and my thoughts and feelings are still not part of the equation.
