New Me - Will WAW ever notice?

[Kakatal]

Here is what I see as the positives. You know that your kids will be well taken care of during the day. You will not have to cart them off to daycare everyday. If they are sick you do not need to stay home from work. If you need to work late you do not need to find someone to pick them up. Your W will have all day and them and you will have all night. You will be able to show off your changes and best side each and every day.

I agree with all of these positive points. Along lines with PD about being around her daily to show off changes, be confident & show loving detachment.

Either way your W needs to get a job and make money, why not make it easy on yourself and her. Let her deal with the issues she had before with being a daycare provider it’s no longer your concern, right.

Very true. All those issues are hers now - marriage won't be one since D is in the works.

You have to coexist with the woman for the rest of your life. Think about that. You can be bitter and resentful and let it slowly eat you alive or you can be the bigger person and be civil and understanding to her.

I know we will be in each other's lives the rest of our lives. Better to keep taking the high road so that when time comes to reflect, w can never look back & blame me for anything else that has happened to her once she decided on the D.

Yes, it sucks big time but what will really get her and this will not happen for a while is that when you do find that inner peace and strength and the ability to make yourself happy she will be the same unhappy person she was before. She has not changed or grown, she has only switched dancing partners and he can no more make her happy than you can. Fantasy remember.

I already see this in her. She is miserable, complains a lot about her life, has little patience with the kids, etc. In those times I am practicing loving detachment, I am happy in her presence. Have to keep working on that.

Let her cake eat at the moment. It won’t last. Your posts and how you describe your interactions and her responses leads me to believe she is already starting to question her choices. I think after she got back from AK last time she was starting to see the reality of it sink in. That much time away from your kids and that much distance between family is tough. I know there is no way I could live that long without my kids, how about you?

Unfortunately for you your hopes got up and then you crashed and backslide. You did not stay consistent. Consistency is the most important part of all this. When you waver it confuses her and makes her believe your changes are not permanent and if she opens her heart to you she will be hurt again. Nobody wants to go through that again.

You have been here three months now. That is not enough time to change yourself and become consistent with those changes. You have proven that over the last week. You have a ways to go and she has a ways to go to learn how to trust you again. Get back to what was working, get rid of expectations, stop worrying about the impending D and stop worrying about what she does outside of your kids. She will continue to test you and if you keep reverting back to your old ways her fears will be confirmed.

Whether you get a D or not does not matter at this moment. You and all the other LBS are wasting way too much energy on the what if's in your life you cannot control. You’re not giving your W money, your not paying for her plane tickets or anything else for that matter so you’re not supporting her choices. You think this is all fun and games for her but its not. She is torn up inside but she is a lot better at hiding her emotions than you are.

Thanks for the insight here. Part of me feels providing her the place to run her business again (rent free) is enabling her choices. Again, doing the right thing, with no expectations is the approach that was working. Here is another opportunity for me to choose.

Going to repeat this one more time. Your need to learn Patience and Consistency and you need to Detach yourself from her, you need to find how to make yourself happy and finally you need to give it Time. Three months is a sprint, one year or more is a marathon. Either your in it for the long haul or your not. There is no in between. Its going to be difficult, your going to get hurt but in the end you will be the best possible person you can be whether its with your W, alone or with someone else.

4 months & counting. I am trying to find a way to not let this dominate my thoughts. Very hard. No idea how you have been able to maintain it as long as you have - kudos!! I need to get away - going to Vegas for Thanksgiving weekend by myself. Much needed break - even w has suggested that she take kids overnight Friday so I can go out. Time to clear my head, figure out what I really want & then focus on setting goals to attain it.