I just found this post on going dark that I had saved and thought it was quite interesting.
Cally, I think Savedwoman and I hold the records for the longest continuous periods of being dark on the boards (and neither one of us, still, is entirely sure it was good for our situations) so if you don't mind, let me give you some thoughts of mine on going dark.
There are two very different reasons to consider for going dark: 1. Because you want it to show your spouse what life without you is like, and to get them wondering what your up to. 2. Because -you- need time away from the emotional drama of regular interaction with a situation that causes you distress.
Either reason is valid, but it's important to know, I think, which is the main goal of going dark in your specific instance. If you know what the goal is, you'll be better able to determine if going dark is accomplishing what you need it to, and when to stop.
When to stop being dark is another topic that can be really tricky. In the beginning, everyone will tell you to be patient, that you won't get results right away, not to give up, etc. But what do you do when months start to go by and it still doesn't get results? It's important to realize that after you've been dark for awhile, it gets very comfortable. Too comfortable, really. The hardest part for both SW and I was being able to finally take action ourselves when so much time passed while we were dark and nothing at all happened in our situations.
The books really make it sound like the Last Resort Technique (and by extension, going dark) are seriously advised for most, if not all, seperations. I've come to believe that's a mistake. I believe that in the right situations, at the right times, going dark/LRT can be very useful.... but in some situations, and at some times, they can do a lot more harm then good.
Think carefully about what you want to accomplish if you go dark, and if you do ask yourself every day if it's still moving you closer to that goal. When and if it isn't, adopt a new strategy.
