PM Thread #2

[imLIN]

As long as no one remarries then there is always the chance... right??

This became my core belief...I tried the move on thing...even got emotionally involved with someone...I WAS NOT ready and we are talking over a year after H was gone!...I soon realized that I still had hope as long as neither of us remarried...even if the divorce did become final (we filed twice, neither became final)...

My H had a severe MLC...OW w/ PA...even talked about marrying her...I was a mess for probably the better part of a year...I can tell you the best thing I did for me and my kids was the GAL, 180's for myself...not H!, and getting a job that was rewarding, fulfilling, and supporting...

Like you, I married my 9th grade boyfriend...we had been together since I was 15!...I had made him my life...what a lot of pressure I put on him huh?...I now realize that it is important to keep myself centered and balanced...then I can be a compliment to him...and not dependent of his...

He has been home now for about 2 years...I still have a life...I do things independent of him...but I do make time to spend with him too...

It has been a real struggle...one that I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to win...I really lost hope so many times in the 2 years he was away...his return was not one of begging for forgiveness...treating me like a queen...winning me back...it was more about coming together with a common purpose...he wanted to love me again...and I wanted his love...and I wanted to be able to trust him again...this all took time...not an overnight transformation...not like in the movies at all...

Each of us is different...but I really believe that as long as your H/W doesn't remarry anything really is possible...and I am happy to say my H is much improved version of his old self..he had issues before that I just overlooked but were really the base of his MLC...now there is less to overlook and more to take in...I am happy that my NEW marriage is so much better...even though I would have gone through eternity with the old one...I really don't think it is that they value those vows less then we do...but they are truly lost in their own internal struggle that we may never understand...it is what it is...and hopefully they get through it and their family is still around...

I also thought my son (we had two adult daughters when he left) would be better off with a dad who was there for him...now, I am so thankful he has his OWN dad back in his life...not that I think the pain was worth it but I am glad I was able to make it...nothing was worth what we went through as a family...but I am glad we are all together again!

It does get better...but it takes a very long time...and actually this is for your good as well as theirs...

Lin

[PositivelyMommy]

Lin,

Thanks for your comments. You are an inspiration for all of us when we have hard breaks and don't know whether to fold or persevere. I am really glad that you have a much better marriage than before. That is my carrot. I want that. I don't want my old marriage back at all. Not that it was bad but now I see that he was hiding so much from me, that's not what I want at all.

I don't think I am ready for a full-on relationship with anyone else. I do fantasize about being loved again and being valued for who I am, about finding a soulmate who understands and respects me. I really hope that this person could be my H. Lin, I will go and read your threads. Things are not looking as bleak as they did in the beginning. He has softened a little since I don't talk about R anymore. Softened but not changed his mind or anything, just nicer. Not so many angry looks or stinging comments.

I know in my heart I am still in love with H. I know that I deserve love. I just don't know if these things are two mutually exclusive choices or not. I am hoping they are not, just trying to keep an open mind and GAL. Like I said, I just want to have some peace. That is my first priority after all the drama. Trying not to think too much about OW and REALLY consciously trying to find forgiveness in my heart for H and OW. I pray for them every night.

[PositivelyMommy]

{{TX}} I posted on your thread. You did great on Sunday, keep up the good work.

[JWM]

PositivelyMommy, your post above about forgiveness is great. I'm going to work on it as well. Things are still kind of fresh with my W. She at least has a EA going. I need to find a way to get over the anger right now and I know that forgiveness, if I can find it, will give me peace.

[PositivelyMommy]

My C contacted me regarding a joint 'separation counselling session'. H replied that he can go. I called H and told him he can go if he wants to be I won't be going. I said it in a nice, calm way, just a matter of fact. I don't feel like digging up any dirt or hearing any limitations H wants to put on me or generally don't feel like talking about R. I just want some PEACE!

Maybe I am just avoiding and delaying for now but I'm OK with that. I have been in so much pain for so long, I don't want to be in anymore. I just want to regain myself and rest a little. I don't want to discuss separation issues, not interested in them. Only interested in looking after my kids, seeing my galfriends, exercising, and my new work. Don't have time for any problems. They were all-consuming for months and I am SICK of them.

I told my C that while I know it's important to have an agreement in place, I don't want my R with H to suffer anymore and I'm afraid any frank discussions now would be strained ones. I am really scared that my C is using frank conversations to make H face his avoidant issues but I don't want that to happen at the expense of my relationship! I feel it is already in pieces, I am walking a tightrope. It can't bear any more strain. I cannot bear any more strain.

H says that I can see C more on my own if I want to. Don't know if I should take that as an insult (like, I don't need your permission, you know) or is he saying that he wants me to recover from his infidelity? It doesn't really matter either way. His heart is somewhere else, so is his attention. I don't think any joint counselling now will sink in anyway. He's going to find ways to be away from me, with or without C. I don't have to play games his way, he doesn't call the shots anymore. I do, it's my life. I can do what I want and not do what I don't want to do.

[davidswife]

Forgiveness is difficult. When challenged with it, I like to read Luke 6: 27-49. Basically, Jesus speaks of forgiveness - says that even a sinner can love someone who loves them - but as Christians we are called to do better, and to love even those who hurt us.

Love is an act, a decision -- I think people forget that and think of love only as a feeling. Jesus doesn't expect us to have warm fuzzy "feelings" for the people who hurt us, but to act as kindly toward them as we can - to be merficul towards them as God is towards us.

I've been lurking on these boards for awhile, trying to get the energy to post my story - I'm afraid the post will be too long!

Anyway, have a great day.

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi davidswife,

I was lurking for a few months as well. That is natural. The other posters here gives us the confidence to reach out for help. Everyone is very kind. Take your time, you will know when it's time.

Thank you so much for your comments on forgiveness. I feel the same way. Love IS a decision and when we make that choice, which I did and I told my H about it, he was not receptive. Doesn't matter. Love is patient, love is kind, it doesn't make demands. So that is what I am consciously trying to do. Love can be one-way.
I know H is deep, deep into A so it feels like love to him. I know it feels real. But I think love goes more than feeling lustful or feeling that you cannot live without another person. Love also means forgiveness and unconditional giving. It's a difficult choice, love is. But I am a stubborn woman and am not afraid to challenge myself.

[davidswife]

Hello PM,

It hits so true when you stated that your H is: "deep, deep into the A, and it feels like love to him". Key word: "feels". So many people mistake "feelings" for reality - part of the reason our H's had affairs in the first place.

When they are so deep into that fog, it seems that most of the time they aren't reachable, at least reachable to us. The only thing real to them is the A and the OW.

Patience is key. I've been patient for over a year, and that, together with friends, family, GAL-ing and concentrating on my children has gotten me through.

When you're impatient, pray. When you're sad, mad, glad, bad - pray.

When bomb was first dropped, I became the queen of the snoopers -just obsessing about where he was, what he was doing, etc. My pastor pointed out how bad this was for me as a person - letting such negative thoughts rule my life. She suggested that when bad thoughts started, to pray instead of going w/the negativity. It took time and discipline, but I now apply that rule to all areas of my life, and it has made a huge difference for me.

I can tell you're strong woman, just concentrate on your life, it's the only one you have any control over anyway!

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks dividswife. I do pray and I will pray more. I don't want this whole experience divert me from being the good person that I want to be. I want to hold onto my principles and ideals. I like being nice and gentle and positive. I don't want to turn into a bitter woman with a sharp tongue and bitter thoughts. That's why I chose my postname carefully. It's something I try to aspire to everyday. I want to change for the better, not for the worse.

Pray for me, I will pray for you tonight, my new friend :-)

[Tawnya]

{{{{PM}}}} Thanks for coming to find me and I read up on your sitch here as well..you sound like you are doing a great job of being YOUR name..a positive, gentle person..I also want to be that person..this experience certainly shows us the planks in our own eyes doesn't it and helps us grow..I've only been in this for 6 weeks now, but I already am a different person than at the beginning of October for sure..

I hope you are having a great day

I may have to hop over here on this forum too considering that my sitch is about OW as well :P

Tawnya