For the Guy with Kids and a WW Neunzehn(19)

[hopeful4her]

Not a good evening.

Got to the apartment late. They had eaten and were watching a video. I sat on the sofa and she asked if I wanted a sandwich. I said sure and we went into the kitchen. She got it started, but I finished it. After the movie, at about 8, I ask if homework had been done. Juli says she has some to do. The wife says, "Oh Juli, you forgot to remind me. C'mon, lets get it done."

I'm a little upset that we are JUST going to be doing homework, but start to help her. The wife goes to the bathroom and while she is in there, her apartment phone rings. I hear Miguel in the bedroom answer it and quietly tell someone "if she can call you back." I hear the wife a minute later saying, "Son, you don't have to be so secret" and then kinda laughs it off.

Now, I'd just like to hurry and leave. We both end up helping her and she does some reading and then has to draw some pictures.

At one point, the wife asks "What was the picture my sister sent you?" She asked it a very matter of fact. Almost pissy.

I forgot to post that I tried to forward our niece's pic to the wife and followed it with a text,

"Lisa sent the pic, sd 2 fwd 2 u. Doesn't have ur cell. Told her I'd ask u to call. Ya'll should try 2 patch things. U should be in Linda's life. She is beautiful."

She only got the text, not the fowarded photo mail. I show her the pic and she is "Awwww. She's so cute." I agree with her.

Finishing her drawings, Juli starts to get frustrated and then we in turn are getting frustrated too, because she is not listening to either of us. She is tired. She finally finishes, but is mad. I did something that mad her made even more, because I don't allow her to be rude. The wife takes her to her room to get her cleaned up and change her clothes so she can fall asleep on the way home. I can hear the wife keep asking "Whats the matter? Whats wrong?" Juli won't talk but just keeps tearing up. The wife gets frustrated because she won't talk, so now SHE is pissy. I can hear the wife keep on asking her whats wrong and I step out of the room.

She knows how Juli acts when she is tired, but she keeps asking whats wrong. I hear them talking and they stay in the bathroom for about 10 minutes. I walk to the bathroom and I hear the wife saying, "Don't worry. Three more days and you be back here."

They come out and I'm seeing looks and I ask what is wrong. The wife tells Juli that she'll talk to her teacher. She is helping Juli get dressed and looks at me and says, "What? Why the look?"
I say, "Whats the matter, Juli?"
She looks at her mom. The wife starts to tell me that Juli got in trouble today and wont' get recess tomorrow.

I look at Juli and ask her if that is the only thing wrong. Is she mad at me? She shakes her head.

We get ready to leave and all the kids are saying their goodbyes. Miguel comes with me tonight. Kids go outside to the car and I look at the wife. She asks me why the face. I start to tell her that Juli is just really tired and says things she usually doesn't mean. The wife, looking VERY defensive, says that everyone is tired. I agree and tell her that I also heard what she was saying about being home soon. Again, the wife gets defensive and trys to explain that it wasn't what she was intending to make it sound like. She tells me to stop reading into what she is saying.

I tell her that I'm not reading anything, just hearing what she said. Her words came out that way. She just looks at me with that upset look. She tells me the kids are waiting. I look at her and tell her that I am NOT trying to fight. I remind her that she should call her sister. Again, pissy, she tells me that she may call her tomorrow.

She goes into how her mother and her sister don't contact her and now her sister wants to get in touch with her? She thinks its because her dad just died and she is looking for money.

Now, I wouldn't put it past her sister, but I let the wife know that it was my idea to ask her to call her. Not her sisters. She is getting upset and explaining how she ALWAYS tried to keep in contact with her mother and sister, and ALWAYS got hurt in the end. I agreed with her on this. She she will contact them, but in HER time this time, not on thiers. I also agree with her and tell her that I hope her sister has good intentions and not money. I tell her that they are all they have. She is just standing there. Upset.

Before I walk away, I tell her,
"And not everyone you know are liars."
She looks at me.
"And there are some people that you can trust."
We stand there looking at each other, her about to cry.

I turn to walk and she tells me goodnight. I turn and tell her goodnight and continue on.

I have no reason to NOT believe that OM won't be heading over and staying with her. She showed her flip side that I'm so used to seeing. I can only pull back from her now.

She is hurting financially. She is hurting emotionally. I know she won't look to me again for support, emotionally or financially. She has him. So, I'll back off for me.

She is so incapable of giving to me. Bits and pieces maybe. I have to go to her. She never responded to my email nor my text.

I'm backing way off. Tired of doing all the work. I present myself and she took. I had to console her. She made no move to me. Yes, she let me, but I have to ALWAYS make the move.

And again, where am I? She's right back to her old self, just like that.

The cycle starts again.

[whatdidido]

That was tough....I think you handled it well. YOu know that the OM calls so that was nothing new, but it triggered something in you today more than usual.

I was reading in someone's thread about a Plan A/Plan B thing. It almost sounds like what you are doing. I think it is trying2live's thread, and it was talked about in yoyo's. Anyway, maybe check it out. I can't remember the details but it is showing your true, wonderful self for a set period of time like what you have been doing (Plan A), and the after that set period of time you initialize Plan B which is letting her know that you don't want to live in an open marriage anymore and cut all contact with her except in dealings wiht the kids, and if there are things about the kids you have a "go between" talk to her. I'm really thinking this is a good plan for you. What do you think?

[hopeful4her]

Beej, I think it was the way my son quietly told him that she'll call him back. And then the wife telling him not to be secret and then give a quick laugh. For some reason, it just...hurt.

Plan A/Plan B. I HAVE been doing this, I think. Like ILF told me, the military action...

"ATTACK, ATTACK, PULL BACK, ATTACK AGAIN!"

It's impossible to cut all contact, and I won't have a go between for the kids. Especially now, with the holidays here. I'm tempted to tell her that, maybe, we should do our own thing for Thanksgiving.

I'll just pull back, live Plan B for a while and see what happens. If she wants or needs to contact me about something, she can be the one. I'm not going to be the one anymore.

But you know stupid me, it usually IS me.

I'm the fool. She doesn't deserve me.

[whatdidido]

Actually, she does deserve you. And, you deserve her. You deserve to be a family. She just doesn't see it yet. Does she realize she is living in an "open marriage"? I still don't think she is realizing what the real picture of what she is doing is. You know what I mean? She is living this life that is not healthy and not "real".

[hopeful4her]

She believes that, in her small mind, we are NOT married anymore. The we haven't been married for quite some time. That we didn't have a marriage when when we were at home together and that DEFINATELY not now. Her mind has been made up for a long time now.

She truly believes that we are not husband and wife.

And, you deserve her.

Okay, now your just being mean!

[JWM]

It is tough for you right now. I'm having similar problems with my W. Hang in there.

All of us are here for you.

[InLikeFlynn]

H4H, No where in that strategy did I say to wallow in self pity after a series of attacks didn't win you the war right there!!! Go back and lick your wounds. Let her initate contact for the basic things and contact her only when necessary about the kids and Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has to be your next "Plan A" Attack. The holidays are great reminders of family...something the enemy "FH" will never be. More and more this has too put pressure on them. Eventually he will want more than to be the guy in the shadows. Some truth darts from the kids would provide a nice dagger in that fantasy. I know some don't like to use kids but if your subtle and creative you can allow them to be "helpful" without directly using them!!!

With that said based on what you stated she said to Miguel about the phone call and the not being secretive comment...I have to agree that was a blow and a troubling one too. The question is did she already know it was "FH" or just a call? It sounded like she hadn't even identified the caller yet, just throwing that out there. Maybe a well timed nasty truth dart about "FH" might remind her that you are still not OK with this and haven't given up.

[hopeful4her]

ILF, no self pity. Actually, I feel good. Her Jeckyll and Hyde gets old now. Her ups and downs. Still very frustrating, though.

That is her. She needs to be on her meds. I'm sure she isn't.

If I know her, she won't be contacting me unless its important. I was venting about Thanksgiving. THOUGHT about it, but it will still be a go.

The call? By the way Miguel told the caller, she knew EXACTLY who it was. I had intended my last comment to her last night to be a sort of truth dart. I'll have and opportunity for another well timed dart soon, I'm sure.

[whatdidido]

Maybe I should have said "You deserve to have a happy marriage with your wife and kids." That's what I meant by you deserve her.

Here's today's motivational video for you. (DOn't roll your eyes)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3b2jw1rjBc&NR=1

(((((((h4h))))))))

[hopeful4her]

OH! I thought you were turning on me.

"I'll roll those eyes right out of your head!" is usually what I tell Amanda

I have the day off today. I made lunch for Juli this morning because she wanted me to, then I remembered that the wife had told her that she was going to have lunch with her. She has told her this many times and something always comes up that she can't make it. Having planned the day off, I had wanted to have lunch with Juli myself.

I sent an email to the wife,

"Let me know if you can't make it to lunch with Juli so I can go. I had intended to surprise her today."

She replied right away,

"SHE HAS LUNCH AT 10:50
SHE WANTED SONIC"

She still didn't say if she was going or not. I wasn't sure what her email meant. So I replied, "

"Are you going? She was expecting you."

She replies,

"YES I AM"

For a moment, I considered going too. I sent back,

"Tell her I said hello. She wanted me to make her a lunch today, so I did."

The wife ended up calling me as she was leaving. Her phone was doing its usual and I didn't really catch it all.

"Why did you make Juli a lunch today if you knew I was having lunch with her?"
"She ASKED me to make her one. When they were getting ready to leave, she reminded me. I was like 'Oh yeah', but she took it anyway."
She stayed quiet for a moment.
"Well, Sonic took forever so I didn't get there until 10 after 11. She had started to eat. I took her popcorn chicken. She didn't get to finish all of it, so I told her I'll keep it."
"Yeah, just keep it for her for later" I told her.
"She did have a hard time when I left. She didn't want me to leave. I had to get going because I can't be late getting back to work. Last night...she was just tired."
"I know" I said.
"Ok. Well....you have a good day", sounded like her serious voice.
"Yeah. You too. Bye."
"Bye."

I contacted her. I shouldn't have, but I did want to have lunch with Juli. The only reason she called me was because she was mad.