Puppy, it's NOT "right" for a person to do that to you.
But there IS a lot of gray area when it comes to relationships.
Because for one, there are levels of "betrayal". Before the Great Betrayal (your wife's adultery) in what ways might you have betrayed the fundamental trust she had in you?
Amy, just for the record, since I was really speaking broadly and to one one's particular sitch with this thread:
In my case, my wife's chief complaints were that I spent too much time at the ballfields (coaching our two sons), and that I spent too much time on my laptop (on the couch across from her as she watched her TV shows in the evenings). #3 would probably be that I stopped complimenting her as much.
No drinking, no drugs, no abuse, no adultery on my part, nor any other major grievances. Two months before her affair started she was still handwriting me beautiful notes inside of Valentine's and anniversary cards. We had a long-term SSM, but that was more her issue than it was mine, in terms of each of our level of satisfaction with the amount of LM in the marriage.
I don't buy the moral equivalency of that, nor did any of either of our family members.
This is a fascinating discussion, which is why I started the thread. I'm with Bworl in that I think the overriding issue is whether or not it's "working," not whether or not it's "right" .... so long as you define "working" as a sincere and MEANINGFUL move by the adulterous spouse back toward the marriage. The error that I see many BS newbies making is that they say "it's working" because their WAS is "being nice" to them, or "we had a nice evening," etc. Then the next day, that same WAS wakes up, and makes the conscious decision to continue in their affair.
I think a lot of it depends also on what the marital relationship was like PRIOR to the one spouse's affair. If the couple had a problem being "best friends" before, then I think it's in the BS's best interest to display those qualities in front of their WAS now in order to "be the better option." But if that wasn't an issue at all in the marriage before .... or, if anything, if the BS was perhaps TOO passive, TOO pleasing, TOO "Mr. Nice Guy" ... then I absolutely think the strategy can backfire, big-time, and that the WAS will actually respond more to NEWFOUND STRENGTH and some DISTANCE.
For the most part, people want what they can't seemingly have, sadly.
