Thanks AmyC, you are a savior. I wrote the above before reading your response. I am so glad you have reached the stage you want (moving back in?). I have decided tostart going to church. I am not religious, but I need to do something that will make m feel good and restore my hope and faith, funny as it sounds, this is what I think will help me the most. People who know me look at me like I am nuts, but I need something right now, signs from something at a higher plane.

She did like her card, her best friend called me first thing this morning. I had chills. My W text me first thing this morning and thanked me for the card. told her she was welcome, then reminded her about car ins money. reality. I am ver scared right now. Because, I don't know what I am doing any more. I just want to lock myself away for a while and not hear about her, from her or see her. I just don't. I am scared that my lying awake in bed last night, reviewing, thinking, retracing and acknowledging certain things have given me some more strength, anger, resentment, patience and confusion. Is this uncommon? Can anybody tell me exactly how I can regain control? the more control I am in my life, the more I want this situation to end. Is that common? More than anytime right now i want to go toher, shake her, slap her and tell her to wake the hell up out of this god forsaken fantasty she is in and get with the program. You have a man devoted to you, a familythat is in turmoil, friends who don't know if you re coming or going and other friends telling me to kick you to the curb and run from you as fast and far as I can (her firends as well).

All of this, because I sent a damn birthday card, because I expected the Heavens to open its gates, to have Angels flock to us and push us togheter because of her possible turning back. (i didn't really believe it but I had expectations higher than reasonable). I absolutely hate myself for thinking this way, this is the opposite of where I was up until I got that damn phone call tuesday night from her best friend. Her best friend told me she handed her the card to read and then put it on the kitchen island for everyone to see. She told me if the card had no impact on her, she would've put it back in the envelope and push aside with her mail. She told me tjhe action wasn't wasted. I told her I don't know anything anymore, she has told me now to wait, keep doing what I am doing and wait and watch and hope. Like I haven't been doing that for 4 months. I appreciate my "sister" for her concern, advice and words, but seriously, like i said in the other post, none of this means anything until she realizes it. everything else is bupkiss...AmyC you understand me better than most people I am in touch with and we only text. Same for T'Gone. I think because I only sound off here and look for advice hear over the past 2 months or so. you have gotten to know how strong and vulnerable i really am. My fragility is beginiing to increase, I am not happy about that at all. I have a great weekend planned, and quite honestly, I 'd rather astay home locked in my house.