Did you post more about your session with Jody on your thread? I'm on my Blackberry so didn't really get the chance to look yet. I'd love to hear more.
In terms of joint counseling with Jody, I've done this. Actually they do suggest that each person talks to the coach alone at least once before a joint session. They don't consider this a conflict of image as they say the marriage is the client, not the individual.
I did not like my joint sessions but please keep in mind that we were early in stage 1. As the LBS, my job was to listen to H spew, and did he ever...since you're further along than we were, you might fare better. My H was just unwilling to discuss anything about fixing the R. I don't know exactly what happened in your case, but if your H feels like you never listened to him, this could actually be somewhat beneficial as Jody felt it was for us. It's also nice because you can do a conference call instead of sitting together meaning it might be easier for your H to open up.
Like you I'm not going to ask H about MC just yet, but in my case I do think he'd say yes if I pushed. That's not what I want though. I want him to want it.
I will reread that thread. Thanks Opt!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
it's my day off, so am being lazy and playing on the computer way too much. Yes- I posted more about my session with Jody. I think the downside of going two months between sessions is that you miss a lot of the little things... Today I keep on thinking of things I wish I could have asked her...
Her advice consisted mosty of focusing on what I am doing right, and how to push the envelope with romance. Sounds like it would work for you too. I will try to get my notes and post more details later on my thread too.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Looking forward to hearing more about it on your post and just generally seeing some updates from you :).
My day has been very slow. I didn't get much done at work. Ugh. I am still in that weird stage where I over-obsess about everything H says/doesn't say to me. I spent hours writing some joking email about how I don't actually need to stay at my friend's house while I feed the cat but am open to doing so. I think I pulled it off, but am not sending it until tomorrow to give myself 24 hours.
Just now we are IMing. He is at work and I am home, and he said "we" should buy a gift for his cousin and new baby in Mexico. I am picking out the gift and have been sending him links. This is pretty nice and I feel like I am very slowly being granted access to his family again. Family means everything to him and if he is not keeping me away from them, this is a good sign...this last week he IMd with a cousin about me in front of me, forwarded me an email from his mom, and now this. These are little things for sure, but to me it shows he is being more open...
Tonight I'm making his favorite dinner by his request, and just to clarify, I like cooking so this is a win/win setup.
Alright I'm going to try and work out for 30 minutes before cooking and before H gets here. I've been slacking in the exercise department recently...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I know what weird stage you are in. I am in a semi-anxiety state in my mind these days too. I realize that DB can go on forever, but there are major milestones eminent in H life, and will have to affect mine.
He is taking his national boards test next week, and is submitting his applications for internships. He should find out about passing his boards by the end of January, if he gets an internship in March. He graduates in May!
I worry that despite our time together and the changes I've made he will be fine moving on without me... That he considers us great friends but doesn't want to be married anymore (hence the separation).
I am trying to hang in there for right now. We haven't had ANY relationship talk really since this all started. I think at one point it round-about came about that he's still working and cares about me, but his way of working is not my way. We will have to make some decision for something! Forward or divorce.
I am all for forward, sorry to highjack.
I am jealous of the time you get to spend with your H. I miss cooking fo my guy! I miss just having him around.
You should get back to working out... I should get to the gym today to...
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
No worries about hijacking!!! I do want to see some updates from you though, so please post soon including the details from your session with Jody :).
So as for me, I sent H the email this morning basically about not staying in my friend's house. I really can't describe the email other than to say that I tried to make it really funny and write in gangster style. It is going to sound worse and worse the more I explain it so will try not to give too many details...The email essentially said that I had just been chatting with my friend, and that she was coming home this weekend, so I didn't really need to be there except on Saturday afternoon to feed the cat. I said it was fine for me to feed the cat on my lunches, but that I was flexible and could stay there too as it suited. It was a really weird email, but I am thrilled to have gotten no response at least yet...
I have to admit that I was nervous after sending it, but H IMd me some news article this morning, and then I knew he wasn't freaking out about it. We continued IMing about gifts for his family, and we were picking them out together, and then I bought them and sent them.
The other thing that happened is that H brought up Xmas last night. He said, when we were in bed, I guess we really can't afford to go away for Xmas even if we wanted to. So I wasn't sure how to read that, and just agreed that it would be expensive and he was probably right. Somehow then we got to what if it was somewhere cheap for 2 days, and he asked where that would be, said he wanted it to be somewhere warm, then were back to Morocco which would need to be 7 days. I looked up costs and such this morning, and mentioned them to him. It was the usual, "let's just see", but he was fine with me researching...I have done the research, and we'd need to book really soon, but I think I will avoid sending that email with costs today in case he is feeling overwhelmed. I think it was a good sign that he brought it up at all though.
Last night was another comfortable night where we watched some DVDs, ate a nice dinner, sat close to each other on the couch, but nothing else. He does poke at my behind, but this is as far as physical affection is really going at the moment. I'm OK with this though as I've learned it really needs to come from him...In bed we laid close to each other again, with arms and legs touching. He rubbed my nose, so I guess this is the other physical affection that happens.
So assuming there is no negative reaction to my email, I'm really pleased with where we are at. I mean I definitely miss being able to make future plans together and just even give each other hugs, but if we can be in the same house together, I am sure we will get there. At the moment I am incredibly grateful for every small thing I have, and if we can get through this, I can't imagine ever taking anything for granted again...I know this sounds corny, but I can't believe it took me all of this to realize what a great thing I had, and hopefully will have again...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So journaling although I have no real new updates...
I started getting paranoid toward the end of my day at work. I am still getting hung up on every little thing, and I hope I can get to the point where I am not like a skittish animal. I was worried because H hadn't been IMing me much toward the end of the day. It was silly, but I didn't feel like he was jokey or fun with me today, and this made me nervous. I got home, and H was excited about some new mouse (the computer kind) that he bought, so this was cute, but other than this he was still working when I got home, and seemed a bit distant. I asked what was wrong (haven't done that in ages) and he said "nothing" in what I thought was a weird voice. I went to work out, came back, and everything seemed fine. We were joking around, and now he is playing video games. I really want to get past this point where every little intonation makes me think something horrible is going on.
I know we're not where I want us to be yet (even though I am still incredibly thankful for how far we've come), but we are now on the 3rd week of no R talks, and nothing but positivity--or at worst moments where H doesn't respond to my overtures...
So I have made up my mind not to housesit unless H directly asks me to. I know this was a contentious decision on these boards and in some ways I do think that had I left, H would have been forced to take responsibility for his actions toward me. On the other hand, me staying here was the surer thing, where improvement may be slower and I may be taken more for granted, but things are comfortable, and I have worked SO hard for the last few months that I really need this if at all possible. Things may still change, but at the moment I want to work toward normalcy and comfort, and this is what helps me get on with things at work, and hence have more confidence in other areas...
It's 10 PM here in Dublin, and I'm about to head to bed. I'll journal more tomorrow :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So last night was a slight improvement from previous nights. When we were laying in bed, H said twice that I was cute, but then he seemed all nervous and qualified this with "sometimes". I don't even remember how I responded to that, but of course I was very happy.
Today I took a day off, but I wasn't telling H that. Ugh and he had been planning to work from home, so now he thinks that I am working too. Things were fine this morning, but then his PC froze and it seems to be broken. We talked about getting another one with my bonus, but once he said "with our situation and not knowing what's going on, probably not a good time to do this."
This is the only time he has mentioned the R in the past 3 weeks or so, and for some reason this made my stomach sink. If I think about it more though, the last time we talked about the R he had said "you know what is happening with us." I guess to be back to a point where he is not being outright negative is much better. I didn't take the bait and instead looked up a place that does PC diagnosis. Shortly afterwards, we were back to potentially buying a new PC. I have chosen to ignore those kinds of R comments unless he actually wants to have a real conversation. For the moment I am just continuing to act like a good friend, and be everything that I was not and should have been in the R before. My heart still breaks when I look at my wonderful H and can't hug him or kiss him, but I know I need to continue to be strong. I am the one with the responsibility to save this M, and I need to keep my focus on the end result, and remember that H may never consciously work on the M. I need to be OK with being the only one working on things, at least in the near-term. I guess he probably feels that he is doing everything he is capable of doing by just not throwing in the towel. I need to respect this and go at his pace...
So he's still here, has been on conference calls for his work, and I know he's in a really bad mood due to his broken PC. I'm trying not to make this about me, but it is hard when there is general negativity it seems to breed more...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
And just to add to that the fact that he makes very small plans with me for each weekend. This weekend it's just taking the cat into the vet, but it's always the same, "maybe we'll do X this weekend."
I just wish we could make plans that were more than 1 week out...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
ITH - Things are really looking up. He is planning Christmas with you little by little the physical affection is coming back. And actually I would look positive on his R comment because as you pointed out, in the past he had said 'where things are going' but now he is unsure which means he is reconsidering everything again. Hence, there are good possibilities brewing in his head!!!
It's not about you and even if he is thinking about you and the relationship it is not your problem. I want you to repeat that in your head like ten times a day "it is not about me, it is HIS problem"
You also need to stop trying to fix his problems. I.E the comp breaking. He is a grown man and can find a solution on his own. You offering suggestions is seen as controlling (I know that sounds looney but trust me, from one controlling wife to another) If he asks about the finances then you answer his question but stop trying to make his life peaches and cream and fix everything for him.
I still think it would be healthy for you to get away from the situation for a few days but you seem very against that. I think it would accelerate your results not hinder. But the choice is obviously yours to make.
I think you are doing well and that things have definatly shifted but whenever things start looking up you throw your DB skills out the window and then things crash and you wonder why. GAL and PMA!!! It's the only thing that is going to save this marriage. You can only change yourself so only focus on yourself.
I think you need to list out the positives as that seems to center your thinking. Maybe compare your current positives to the ones from a previous thread and see the difference. That always makes me feel good.
Keep it up, we are all cheering for you and here for you always!
