It's official.......what now?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mishka...

First of all, you said... "The broom has been involved in at least 3 other D cases my L has handled. She is a major homewrecker......oh, but she "loves him". Yeah, whatever."

YOUR KIDDING?? That is extrodinary. I never knew that, that puts an interesting slant on her text messages then.. this woman does not know or understand the meaning of love. I doubt she truly loves Gabe and I very much doubt she will stay with him. I wouldnt be surprised if she is already casting her net around for the next guy.. maybe not yet, but in time. Dont you think?

Secondly...you said...

Why wasn't I good enough?
Why couldn't he just talk to me about how he was feeling?
What could I have done differently?
Why won't he tell me what I did wrong so I will never make the same mistakes?

ASK HIM ! You dont need to 'DB' him anymore. You are now D and have nothing to lose. You dont need to have an agenda, other than sitting down with the man who you shared 20 years of your life with and trying to have a reasonable conversation with him. Why not ask him to do that for you? Maybe not right away, but when you are a little stronger? You said he talked to your Mum, so he is capable of opening up. If you can approach him without it being a "I'm trying to win you back" thing, just a, I would like us to talk openly with one another, with respect for the years we spent together, to gain some understanding, to help me move on.. then why not? Set an hour or two to do that? I feel a million times better after I did it, although there are still more things I would like to ask, so maybe I will in time.

I dont agree that there are not always answers, the asnwers are there, but may take time to come out, people need time to absorb, reflect and things always become clearer with perspective and the benefit of hindsight. If I were yuo, I would want to sit and talk to my ex and make peace with him/it.

What is the point in any of this? - learning hard life lessons that you needed to learn to grow and evolve. Painful and hard I know, but its true of a lot of us here, myself included.

What the hell is wrong with me? - nothing, you have just been through about the most painful and traumatic and stressful perioud of your life. Dont be so hard on yourself, you are bound to feel anchorless and cr*ppy for a while?

You are doing so well Mish,
Al xxx

[Kalni]

I am going to take this a bit further... There are always answers. But very rarely these answers will satisfy us and give us closure. There comes a point when after we have Ali-analyzed everything, we grow with that we've got. If we get in to a "philosophical quest for the rights answers" we will never stop... Each answer can create another 100 questions and it will not alter the result.

Mish, if you read all the stories here you will get the same data. "We were fine bla bla bla and then the BOMB!!! Of course..., the last year we were ...fighting more, he/she was more distant, I neglected him/her, was too busy with work, deaths in the family, illnesses, NO ML, etc etc". The LBS gives pretty much the answers in his/her first post why all has happened. Something went wrong and neither one of the two had the insight to bring it up and deal with it when there was still time...

Breathe my sweetie. It's natural to go thorugh these in your mind right now, time will make it easier.
xxx
K

[ernest88]

Why wasn't I good enough?
Why couldn't he just talk to me about how he was feeling?
What could I have done differently?
Why won't he tell me what I did wrong so I will never make the same mistakes?
What is the point in any of this?
What the hell is wrong with me?

you asks him these things 20 different times and he will answer 20 different ways..

bottom line..they quit..they were too damn cowardess to work..to try and figure out why they were unhappy..

and he looked elsewhere for his happiness other than to look to the one he pledged his life too..

that's the answer..that's the straight up and to the point answer..if you asks him any questions it will just be more drama and he will lay all the blame on you to justify what he did...

anything else he says is horsechittt...save those questions and ask him when marc is much older..after all the pain and hurt has died and you can ask him without emotion...

[One Day]

(((mihska)))

I don't know if I have anything insightful to say, but I would say that the broom is not going to be playing happy families long term. She has issues, and they'll play out eventually. People get what they give and all that.....I also really believe that Gabe is an MLCer. When he's out of the tunnel the happy families will stop and he's going to have face up to what he's done and the effect it's had on Marc. Things aren't 'happy' by any means there.

What could I have done differently?
Why won't he tell me what I did wrong so I will never make the same mistakes?

I know you've done a lot of soul-searching so you already know the answers to these questions. I think you could talk to Gabe about it if it would help, but I'm also not sure that he'd be able to say while he's in the tunnel because I don't think he knows himself. I've asked my H these things, and I got peas and hairstyle my critical errors. The bottom line is that he has no idea so he made something up.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Nothing- you are lovely, generous, kind, warm-spirited, funny, hard-working, committed.

Have a great day!

L. xx

[RMG77739]

you asks him these things 20 different times and he will answer 20 different ways..

bottom line..they quit..they were too damn cowardess to work..to try and figure out why they were unhappy..

and he looked elsewhere for his happiness other than to look to the one he pledged his life too..

that's the answer..that's the straight up and to the point answer..if you asks him any questions it will just be more drama and he will lay all the blame on you to justify what he did...

anything else he says is horsechittt...

M from Tennessee,

My friend, you are SPOT ON there....... They are BIG TIME cowards.....

Take Care,

RMG

[ernest88]

you asks him these things 20 different times and he will answer 20 different ways..

bottom line..they quit..they were too damn cowardess to work..to try and figure out why they were unhappy..

and he looked elsewhere for his happiness other than to look to the one he pledged his life too..

that's the answer..that's the straight up and to the point answer..if you asks him any questions it will just be more drama and he will lay all the blame on you to justify what he did...

anything else he says is horsechittt...

M from Tennessee,

My friend, you are SPOT ON there....... They are BIG TIME cowards.....

Take Care,

RMG

and once again, "great minds think alike"

[AliSuddenly]

Yuo guys are doing an awful lot of ASSUMEING !!!!

They are now D. Mishka is not DBing (?). Yes, some time needs to go by, for Mish to be ready/stronger and for Gabe to reflect on the changes in his life.. but one day, I dont see the harm in TRYING to have a conversation with your ex-husband. We cant assume that he will not be able to do it, or lay all the blame at Mishkas door. Maybe he would at the bomb, or after, or even now if the D is still raw, but then, time has a big effect here. I did it, and it wasnt a panacea, but it was revealing and it was better than not trying. It depends if you need to do it or not and also, if you are still DB hard-wired, which prevents R talks, if not, then why not be yourself and ask away.

Sometimes, we dont need to bother.. I didnt when I broke up with a live-in BF of 4 1/2 years. We had one conversation about 2/3 years later, it was midly interesting, but I wasnt that bothered.

But if there are unanswered questions, why not try lay those ghosts to rest?? Who knows, he may surprise us all and actually want to talk about it Mishka, one day.

Al x

[ernest88]

Yuo guys are doing an awful lot of ASSUMEING !!!!

They are now D. Mishka is not DBing (?). Yes, some time needs to go by, for Mish to be ready/stronger and for Gabe to reflect on the changes in his life.. but one day, I dont see the harm in TRYING to have a conversation with your ex-husband. We cant assume that he will not be able to do it, or lay all the blame at Mishkas door. Maybe he would at the bomb, or after, or even now if the D is still raw, but then, time has a big effect here. I did it, and it wasnt a panacea, but it was revealing and it was better than not trying. It depends if you need to do it or not and also, if you are still DB hard-wired, which prevents R talks, if not, then why not be yourself and ask away.

Sometimes, we dont need to bother.. I didnt when I broke up with a live-in BF of 4 1/2 years. We had one conversation about 2/3 years later, it was midly interesting, but I wasnt that bothered.

But if there are unanswered questions, why not try lay those ghosts to rest?? Who knows, he may surprise us all and actually want to talk about it Mishka, one day.

Al x

I'll give ya that..

I predict 10 years from now if Gabe does not get IC or help in figuring out why he is such a failure then he will spew the same stuff he spews now and blame the same people and any new people he meets for all his problems..

see if one thing this place has taught me is PEOPLE CAN AND WILL CHANGE IF THEY SEEK HELP. THEY CAN'T DO IT ON THEIR OWN.. If they are to coward, prideful, stubborn to seek that help then they flounder and their life sucks..it's their choice to make..

it's up to us to stop trying to rescue them and move forward..

[mishka422]

Thanks for bringing me back to reality guys. I was pretty much there already this morning when I got up but your posts have solidified that.

ASK HIM ! You dont need to 'DB' him anymore. You are now D and have nothing to lose.

I did ask him a few months ago. He couldn't give me any kind of an answer. I decided that it was pointless to ask again.

I don't think I'll ever have his answers, but I have mine.

Why wasn't I good enough? - I was not bad, but I wasn't great either. I did neglect him due to all of my other responsibilities. Since I was the romantic one who always planned our outings, made sure that we did fun things together, and generally maintained our R, when I didn't have the time to do that he wasn't willing or able to pick up that rope.

Why couldn't he just talk to me about how he was feeling? - Gabe has no communication skills and is a classic avoider. Anything uncomfortable for him at all is automatically avoided like the plague. a la Monty Python - Run away! Run away!
What could I have done differently? - I could have done so many things differently but was too preoccupied with daily life to see what was in front of me. No point in rehashing what can't be fixed now.
Why won't he tell me what I did wrong so I will never make the same mistakes? He doesn't need to tell me. He doesn't care anymore, I need to not care too. I need to let go of this and just hope that some day in the future I can put into practice what I've learned through this experience.

What is the point in any of this? - I believe this is God's correction to what never should have been. I look at our courtship and realize all the ways that I went against the way I was raised, my lack of seeking guidance for the direction I was taking in my life. I wanted what I wanted and that was that. NOT how you're supposed to make life decisions.

What the hell is wrong with me? - Oh.....that's a loaded question isn't it? Too many things to list! I know my own issues. I own my issues. I'm working to improve what I can and looking for solutions to those that are out of my immediate control. We have to work with what God gave us and he saw fit to give me the left overs in some departments!

Mish, if you read all the stories here you will get the same data.

It has always amazed me that so many of our stories sound identical. It just goes to show you what we should all learn BEFORE we get married. We all need to learn how to really treasure our spouses before they are our spouses. There needs to be more counseling prior to M. There should be something mandatory and there should also be extreme penalties for divorce based on the fault of the parties involved. JMO of course! I actually don't live in a no-fault state so I could have dragged Gabe through court and they most likely would have weighted the settlement much more in my favor because of his adultery. There was just no point in doing that. Spend more money on my L for what? A few measly dollars and a lot of ill will?

bottom line..they quit..they were too damn cowardess to work..to try and figure out why they were unhappy..

Too true. I don't believe in quitting. Not ever. That is the thing that really sticks in my craw!

I wouldnt be surprised if she is already casting her net around for the next guy.. maybe not yet, but in time. Dont you think?

I get the feeling based on some things Gabe said that he is probably already getting tired of her. I get the sense that he is ashamed of her in some way. It's probably just me reading into what he isn't saying, but when he asked me yesterday about the day after Thanksgiving he used her name, kind of, but stumbled over it. He never says her name or her son's name to me. If he thinks it's sparing my feelings to not say it then whatever. There's no pussyfooting around it, name or no name!

Nothing- you are lovely, generous, kind, warm-spirited, funny, hard-working, committed.

You are just so sweet Lisa! You make a girl feel all warm and fuzzy. Thank you so much!

I am just hating this up and down crud! I'm working so many hours that I can barely see straight! I do get to go to my group this evening (the subject is "surviving the holidays after divorce") and hopefully to the singles bible study tomorrow night. I work all weekend and next Friday night so no bible study next week. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving day! I'll be cooking all darned day but at least I won't have to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mishka422]

it's up to us to stop trying to rescue them and move forward..

Bingo!!!!! No rescuing! That's my problem! I always want to "fix" it and I just can't. Not my job.