God grant me the patience and the strength...9

[theotherhalf]

New thread, whoo the old one seemed long and drawn out...hopefully this next one will bring some positives my way.

MWG, (from the last thread),
I really am leaving him alone. I really am just going with the flow right now. No pressure, no questions, no initiating, not asking much of him, just really enjoying his time here the best I can under the circumstances. The question the other night about him remembering stuff was really just an out of the blue question with no alterurer motive, and it ended there.

Had a good weekend. H is still here. They got the truck tore apart but now have to find the part. H is being very kind and respective. Even with his mood showing underneath at times.

H and I worked on the combine in am Sat. It really is different how well we've been working together lately. H still has little patience but it looks as if he's trying to find more with me. We finished combining later in the day. He combined, I hauled. Glad that is done before the snow really flies. Today we worked on our neighbors. Again I hauled. (:)So proud of myself)

Last night BIL was over. Sat in the basement with the guys and reminised about old times. They pretty much did all the talking. I just listened mostly. Then the subject got on life and what they wished they would/could have done. H again went to talking about someday moving out of state. I just listened for a bit then went upstairs as I did not want to hear it and was afraid I'd cry, and the best way sometimes for me to keep my mouth shut is to walk away. H came up right away and asked me if I was coming back down. I said, not if your going to keep talking about moving away. He said, "Oh, I'm not going anywhere, I'm just talking". I left it at that and did go back down. Nothing more was said.

All in all it was a good weekend. D17 and H even had some quality time together. So all went really well. Hope your's all went good too!
TOH

[theotherhalf]

Good morning,

Well...I took off work early and we finished combining yesterday. H had me drive the tractor/auger wagon home. Eeeks...never done it. But I did just fine. A little slow but better to be safe right?!

I am so proud of myself and happy that I've accomplished so much this summer. I've done so many new things. Don't know if I'll ever get to do them again as don't know if we'll be together and farming next year. But at least I can say I've done it right?

Now if I could figure out how to do things different in every day life. To get out of the same ol same ol.

Feel like I'm sitting on the edge of my seat watching a good movie. Sitting here in anticipation...wonderering what happens next...

[a new 2moro]

Sitting here in anticipation.

DONT!

wonderering what happens next.

analysis paralylisis

[WCW]

toh, yeah for you for all your accomplishments! You should be proud of all that! You certainly seem to weather the storm better when you keep busy. Is it only if you keep busy when working with your H? If you get involved in other things that don't include H would you feel good too? There are tons of volunteer groups that can use a shot of ambition from someone like yourself! That would help get you out of the same old same old every day doldrums.

H again went to talking about someday moving out of state. I just listened for a bit then went upstairs as I did not want to hear it and was afraid I'd cry, and the best way sometimes for me to keep my mouth shut is to walk away. H came up right away and asked me if I was coming back down. I said, not if your going to keep talking about moving away. He said, "Oh, I'm not going anywhere, I'm just talking". I left it at that and did go back down. Nothing more was said.

IMO your H is seeing if he can feel safe around you. Remember the old saying 'believe half of what you hear'...I think it's even less than that.

[theotherhalf]

Is it only if you keep busy when working with your H? If you get involved in other things that don't include H would you feel good too?

No WCW its better busy no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. Trust me WCW something more or else to do is not what I'm looking for. Sometimes it's as though there is not enough hours in the day. What I am searching for is a different "life". Like now, we go to work, we work at home, we eat, we sleep, then do it all over again. Weekends, we work, we sit and talk, we go to bed. Once in awhile we might go to someones house and visit.

I am looking at things the way H may see them. I see the same ol same ol. How do I make things different? So many things I want to do different with him but in the sitch I can't. Too soo, to pushy, too... Today at work I am sitting there working, my mind is running. I wish I could say to H "go away with me this weekend" and he would go. We'd jump in the car and head to state to the south. Stop where ever, just drive, just spend time away. But again, too pushy, too soon, etc...

IMO your H is seeing if he can feel safe around you. Remember the old saying 'believe half of what you hear'...I think it's even less than that.

Maybe...who knows. All I know is he's been saying this every so often since he left. And before MLC he used to say he was never going no where. Then he left...

[theotherhalf]

Where is everyone?
I really miss hearing from the old timers like Imlnn, MGoBlue, Snodderly, YR, etc. But I understand that they're busy getting their own lives on track, just wish they'd pop in once in awhile.

I am having a tough time with being patient and staying "still". I am really confused as to what is "really" going on with my H. He is still here. Been here for 2 weeks. On one hand it's like he might be here to stay. On the other it's just till truck is fixed. There has been NO R talk what so ever. I haven't asked anything. And he has said nothing. We talk, we eat together, on the weekends he sleeps in the bed with me, we work outside, we talk about the kids, we go places together. All like normal H and W do. But he is cut off from me. He always has that cold edge to him. No cuddling, no kisses, no hugs, no ILY's. He still initiates sex, but it is just sex.

The other night though I was taking a shower and H came in. I let him. Enjoyed the moment then ran. Always before, he'd try this and I would tell him to get out. Usually the door was locked. (too self consious) This time I let it happen and it was good. But I should have stayed longer and scrubbed his back and relished in the closeness. But I ran like a chicken.I guess I am afraid to make too much of things. Afraid I am going to scare him away. What I might be actually doing is taking all of the fun out of things. Because moments like these then seem cold and make "us" feel dead.

Rambling...sorry... I guess what I am trying to say or asking is that I really don't know how to "be" with my H. I don't know what to say or not say. I don't know what to do or not do. I'm afraid to be too pursuing, but at the same time am I being too cold? I am doing my own thing for me while he is here. But am I leaving him to think that there is nothing left between us?

Help me someone...time feels like it is running out. If he gets that truck fixed, he'll go back home. Have I made a good enough impression that things between us could work out if he came back for good? H knows I love him and want him here, but what I am afraid of is he still believes that life here will go back to the way it was.

[Bworl]

TOH,

Haven't been keeping up on the board quite as much lately, so I'm not completely filled in on the recent developments in your situation. It sounds like your husband has been living at home for a couple weeks?

Don't make the mistake of putting all your eggs in this one basket. It's easy to assume that if you don't get it right during his time at home right now, that you will have blown any chance you had of seeing things reconciled. I do not believe that is so. It is an opportunity yes, but not a last chance.

If you continue to look at it like that, you will only put undo pressure on yourself and make it more difficult to proceed. This is already causing you confusion and uncertainty, in part I think because of the great weight you have placed on this time together.

Could this be him easing back in to your life together? Possibly. It could also be as simple as a matter of convenience while the truck is being repaired. It could be that you have made him feel it is safe to stay, it is also convenient, so he has decided to go for it. Too much guessing going on though. It would be far better to embrace the situation for the good in it, and do your best to remain true to your boundaries.

Would your husband be allowed to simply come back this way? Just wondering.

I guess if I were in your shoes, I would do my best to embrace and enjoy the fact that I had him at home. I would see this as a daily opportunity to let him see the changes that I have made in myself. And I would do my best to be ME. No shows, no facades, just ME, who I am, the way I am, the things I feel, and how I show the things I feel.

And let the chips fall as they will.


Being honest with who you are in everything that you do can be difficult, but only because you are taking the chance that who you are is not what your spouse is looking for. The benefit is that you do NOT have to pretend to be somebody else.

Those days should be long gone.


Blessings,

Bill

[theotherhalf]

Oh gosh, I forgot to mention the one old timer that has been so important to me during all of this. I am sorry Bill and thank you so much for your post.

This is already causing you confusion and uncertainty, in part I think because of the great weight you have placed on this time together.

When H first started staying here it wasn't like this. I did a good job of making myself believe it was JUST because of the truck and meant nothing more. That he would be leaving again in few days. It was easy to stay detached and just enjoy the time. But the days have went on and each one has made it harder. Each "good" time we've had together has made it harder for me to not wish he'd stay. And the pressure has grown.

Would your husband be allowed to simply come back this way? Just wondering.

Honestly? I could lie and say HELL no. That there would have to be this and this and this first. But I am an honest person, and in my heart I know that if he decided to stay I wouldn't be happier. Knowing my H like I do, I almost think that IF he ever decides to come home it'll have to be this way. And in time we'd work through the rest. But down the road, for ME, there will have to come a time that we talk, that we lay things on the table, deal with them and then work to change things so that they can be put away. Has to be that way for ME.

I guess if I were in your shoes, I would do my best to embrace and enjoy the fact that I had him at home. I would see this as a daily opportunity to let him see the changes that I have made in myself. And I would do my best to be ME. No shows, no facades, just ME, who I am, the way I am, the things I feel, and how I show the things I feel.

Really Bill? This is where I am struggling so badly. I am afraid. People on the board here are telling me not to do this as he will bolt. And he does not seem too receptive of me pursueing or initiating or showing affection. But it's me. Me now anyway. I want a different life with this man if we try again. I want to be free to love him, to let him love me. I don't want to hide behind anger, or fat, or who's right or wrong, or proper timing,... but I am so afraid to show him now.

The benefit is that you do NOT have to pretend to be somebody else

The only person I am guilty of pretending to be now is the old TOH have and I don't want to be that person anymore.
Bill is it too soon? Will I scare him away?

[theotherhalf]

And the skyscraper I've been on starts to crumble...

This morning H and I were talking in the basement. He brought up "god I haven't been home in 2 weeks. I need to get that truck fixed". We talked a little bit. Then I said "I hate you" H said "What? Why?" I said, "because you leaving is going to be like losing you all over again". And I went upstairs and left for work.

Tonight he was in a very kind and good mood. But nothing more was said. I've pretty much been staying away and quiet.

God give me the strength...

[WCW]

Quote:
I guess if I were in your shoes, I would do my best to embrace and enjoy the fact that I had him at home. I would see this as a daily opportunity to let him see the changes that I have made in myself. And I would do my best to be ME. No shows, no facades, just ME, who I am, the way I am, the things I feel, and how I show the things I feel.

Really Bill? This is where I am struggling so badly. I am afraid. People on the board here are telling me not to do this as he will bolt.

WTF?? Who's been telling you not to be who you really are??
But who are you really? the woman who runs all over town and chases down her H and ow and gets caught?
Or are you the woman who has been finally helping her H and finally working alongside him instead of him shouldering the load.
Now, you've had a piece of his pie. You've been challenging yourself and working hard all day and half the night like he has been for all these years.
You now wonder what else there is to life because all you do is the same old thing day to day and week to week.
Do you suppose this is the same thing your H has been feeling for years while he worked without you?!

This morning H and I were talking in the basement. He brought up "god I haven't been home in 2 weeks. I need to get that truck fixed". We talked a little bit. Then I said "I hate you" H said "What? Why?" I said, "because you leaving is going to be like losing you all over again". And I went upstairs and left for work.

Is this different in reality than how it sounds when you post it? that sounds like a spoiled brat that should get grounded for sassing off. You've done it before. Is this the real you or the changed you?

God give us all strength!