My C contacted me regarding a joint 'separation counselling session'. H replied that he can go. I called H and told him he can go if he wants to be I won't be going. I said it in a nice, calm way, just a matter of fact. I don't feel like digging up any dirt or hearing any limitations H wants to put on me or generally don't feel like talking about R. I just want some PEACE!
Maybe I am just avoiding and delaying for now but I'm OK with that. I have been in so much pain for so long, I don't want to be in anymore. I just want to regain myself and rest a little. I don't want to discuss separation issues, not interested in them. Only interested in looking after my kids, seeing my galfriends, exercising, and my new work. Don't have time for any problems. They were all-consuming for months and I am SICK of them.
I told my C that while I know it's important to have an agreement in place, I don't want my R with H to suffer anymore and I'm afraid any frank discussions now would be strained ones. I am really scared that my C is using frank conversations to make H face his avoidant issues but I don't want that to happen at the expense of my relationship! I feel it is already in pieces, I am walking a tightrope. It can't bear any more strain. I cannot bear any more strain.
H says that I can see C more on my own if I want to. Don't know if I should take that as an insult (like, I don't need your permission, you know) or is he saying that he wants me to recover from his infidelity? It doesn't really matter either way. His heart is somewhere else, so is his attention. I don't think any joint counselling now will sink in anyway. He's going to find ways to be away from me, with or without C. I don't have to play games his way, he doesn't call the shots anymore. I do, it's my life. I can do what I want and not do what I don't want to do.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
