Didn't know where to go, we are not piecing, nobody has filed, and I am not new here anymore either, I am without a home...
Such a clusterf#ck failure bomb it was....
Got home, did the small talk, then thought what the hell and straddled H on the couch. He gave me a curious look, I asked if he thought the kids were for sure asleep, he said yeah why?
I said why do you think?
H:What do you want?
Me: You?
H: You want me?
Me: Yeah..
H: Forever and ever and always?
Me: You already know that, right now I mean I just WANT you for right now, but the rest of it you know is true...
(There were a few more similar exchanges where I would tell H how I wanted him and he would rub my leg and say, "I know" in a sweet, sad voice...that was a warning right there, who is sad about being wanted??)
H: Do you think it is smart given what we have been talking about the past few days?
Me: Yeah, you are undecided, so let's just have fun and see what happens...
H proceeded to 'play' with me, but when I grabbed the package (aren't you proud now Mike I grabbed it!) he resisted, said, "I will just play with you".
I said, "But I told you, I want YOU", and I was fondling through the jeans. H shook his head no.
I said, "I can't have YOU?"
He said, "No, just let me play with you"
And it just clicked in my head that it would not work. He was literally closing himself off from me, WTF?
So I said forget it, he stopped...
Then there was a lot of spew..........
H said I only hear what I want to hear, he said he didn't know how it would be on his own, he didn't know if he would be happy away from me, but he had been miserable for so long...
H got angry, talked about driving by the house he grew up in earlier tonight, and S asked him "Is that where you used to play Daddy?" and H said he covered in front of the kids but it got him angry all over again to think S would never play where he played now that that part of the farm had been sold...
Ultimately he told me that it isn't ALL ABOUT ME, he said I always make it ALL ABOUT ME which is a somewhat honest assessment b/c I am very sensitive and take sh!t personally even when it isn't. Anyway he said I am not just mad at you, I am mad at everyone and everything except for our two kids. Other than our two kids I am pretty much mad at the entire world.
Then he said it was quite a statement that when he told his own family he was having problems with me, they all stood up for me and took my side, not his. He said it really sucks that my whole family loves you more than they love me....
Then he went on to say he doesn't talk to either of his sisters anymore, the only person he talks to is his dad and that is only b/c his dad never says ANYTHING.
He finished off with, "My entire family tries to fix me, you try to fix me, the counselor tried to fix me. I have never found a counselor yet that I thought was helpful. And all I want is just for someone to listen to me. ONE PERSON to stop trying to tell me what to do and how to live my life and how to fix me, one person to JUST listen to me."
So then I tried to listen but he didn't have much left to say. He just pointed out that he still had to go back to his mom and dad's and get his smaller truck, and it was already eleven, then he knew already he would be late for work tomorrow because he wasn't going to get to bed until late, but he wasn't going to get any sleep anyway, he hadn't had real sleep in four months...living this way day after day was killing him and he wouldn't be surprised if he wound up like the dad of one of the third grade kids at our school, whose dad died of a heart attack last night....
I think two things. Number 1, Sara may well be right about the OW. However, Number 2, I don't think the rest is totally smoke and mirrors, I think your H is pretty well confused in the head.
He says no one listens, but I think that's a load of crap. You've listened, I'll bet his C (Cs?) have listened. But no one reacts the way he wants them to! I guess he is right, to a degree, everyone tries to fix him. I mean, why would you go to a C if you didn't want help? In his case, it seems that he just wants to be told he is right.
I'm sorry BobbiJo, I don't even know what to suggest right now. I'd like to whack him with a 2x4, for sure!
I guess it is time to take care of BobbiJo, and let Dan flutter in the breeze. See how far towards happy you can get that way?
Oh, and Michelle posted this for mishka yesterday: Song
I am so sorry BBJ. I think your H sounds a lot like mine right now. I think my H has a huge hole in him that he has tried to fill with buying things and porn and right now ow (bfh).
I realize there is nothing I can do for him. Nothing anyone can say that he will hear. Until he figures that out and seeks and finds some help it is all futile. Thankfully I had to 2 years with an excellent C working on me that brought me to this place that I am able to accept this is how it is. As much as it sucks, it is just what it is. It really sucks for all of us.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I have not known where to be too, so I moved to Hopefullness. I no longer have hope for my marriage, but I do have hope for my life. Soon I will probably have to move to Separated too, but I am just going to stay put in Hopefullness for now.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
NNP makes a good point. Perhaps you should go to a counselor to help you deal with your feelings of having your life torn apart by a person who admits he has problems but refuses to make any effort to fix them.
I don't normally comment on you sitch (cos its too complicated for a DAM like me) and right now I don't really want to add to your woes, but when I read about you straddling your H and actually grabbing his bits and then him not showing any interest, my one thought was OW. I wasn't going to post anything but then I noticed Sara and Kalni (two very reliable people) came to the same conclusion. Serously, if he can't rise to the occasion for somone as hot as you (and I presume you're hot) Then he either "bats for the other side" or theres an OW. I haven't got any specific advice, cos I'm still thinking how I could get my W to straddle me and grab my bits, but I just want you to take care of you and the kids cos I think he off out of reach for a while.
Not only is OW back..but something is up...let me tell you guys this, as a man..if a former cheerleader, wearing a skirt straddles my no good sorry assss while I'm laying on the couch..and "grabs the package" then "it's on"...the only thing that might stop me is a defective package..
see to a man in this sitch..it would have been about sex IMO..may sound shallow on my part but it would have been..Dan's not emotionally connected right now so why turn down sex?? Why turn down sex with BBJ..it's because he's getting it somehwere else or there is something he does not want to pass along..IMO..
Quote:
Then he said it was quite a statement that when he told his own family he was having problems with me, they all stood up for me and took my side, not his. He said it really sucks that my whole family loves you more than they love me....
I know how he feels here..Same thing after my first D.. I thing what is construed as taking sides is actually his side trying to make the best of a bad sitch..but I can see how he feels..my mom used to be really nice to my 1st ex..it would make me furious..
Quote:
I have never found a counselor yet that I thought was helpful. And all I want is just for someone to listen to me. ONE PERSON to stop trying to tell me what to do and how to live my life and how to fix me, one person to JUST listen to me."
How many has he looked for?? How many times has he went?? 4 maybe?? Oh I'm sure there is one out there somewhere who will take his money and listen to him vent...
problem with Dan is he knows that if he goes and sticks with it then he will "fix" himself..
Move forward BBJ....continue to move forward..like I said yesterday..no expectations and just move forward..
He is so far broken its time to get out the broom and simply sweep the pieces away. He clearly has no idea how much he needs help.
I have a feeling his little miss OW tells him all sorts of things to make him feel better about how she is the only one who understands him. Honesty. I think the only thing holding him from leaving is his pride. Everyone will think its his fault. He already told you that.
BBJ, find yourself a good IC. Just someone to be there for you. Let him go.
He is drowning. You tried to throw him a rope, a life preserver and even a boat. You did everything.
