Didn't know where to go, we are not piecing, nobody has filed, and I am not new here anymore either, I am without a home...
Such a clusterf#ck failure bomb it was....
Got home, did the small talk, then thought what the hell and straddled H on the couch. He gave me a curious look, I asked if he thought the kids were for sure asleep, he said yeah why?
I said why do you think?
H:What do you want?
Me: You?
H: You want me?
Me: Yeah..
H: Forever and ever and always?
Me: You already know that, right now I mean I just WANT you for right now, but the rest of it you know is true...
(There were a few more similar exchanges where I would tell H how I wanted him and he would rub my leg and say, "I know" in a sweet, sad voice...that was a warning right there, who is sad about being wanted??)
H: Do you think it is smart given what we have been talking about the past few days?
Me: Yeah, you are undecided, so let's just have fun and see what happens...
H proceeded to 'play' with me, but when I grabbed the package (aren't you proud now Mike I grabbed it!) he resisted, said, "I will just play with you".
I said, "But I told you, I want YOU", and I was fondling through the jeans. H shook his head no.
I said, "I can't have YOU?"
He said, "No, just let me play with you"
And it just clicked in my head that it would not work. He was literally closing himself off from me, WTF?
So I said forget it, he stopped...
Then there was a lot of spew..........
H said I only hear what I want to hear, he said he didn't know how it would be on his own, he didn't know if he would be happy away from me, but he had been miserable for so long...
H got angry, talked about driving by the house he grew up in earlier tonight, and S asked him "Is that where you used to play Daddy?" and H said he covered in front of the kids but it got him angry all over again to think S would never play where he played now that that part of the farm had been sold...
Ultimately he told me that it isn't ALL ABOUT ME, he said I always make it ALL ABOUT ME which is a somewhat honest assessment b/c I am very sensitive and take sh!t personally even when it isn't. Anyway he said I am not just mad at you, I am mad at everyone and everything except for our two kids. Other than our two kids I am pretty much mad at the entire world.
Then he said it was quite a statement that when he told his own family he was having problems with me, they all stood up for me and took my side, not his. He said it really sucks that my whole family loves you more than they love me....
Then he went on to say he doesn't talk to either of his sisters anymore, the only person he talks to is his dad and that is only b/c his dad never says ANYTHING.
He finished off with, "My entire family tries to fix me, you try to fix me, the counselor tried to fix me. I have never found a counselor yet that I thought was helpful. And all I want is just for someone to listen to me. ONE PERSON to stop trying to tell me what to do and how to live my life and how to fix me, one person to JUST listen to me."
So then I tried to listen but he didn't have much left to say. He just pointed out that he still had to go back to his mom and dad's and get his smaller truck, and it was already eleven, then he knew already he would be late for work tomorrow because he wasn't going to get to bed until late, but he wasn't going to get any sleep anyway, he hadn't had real sleep in four months...living this way day after day was killing him and he wouldn't be surprised if he wound up like the dad of one of the third grade kids at our school, whose dad died of a heart attack last night....
