Should You Be Their "Best Friend"?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm curious as to how many are following a path -- or even think it's a good idea -- to be a spouse's best friend when they are being unfaithful.

I'd also be interested in knowing just where in any of MWD's writings this is advocated, because I just don't get it.

Puppy

[AmyC]

I don't happen to agree with a LBS trying to be the WASs "best friend" while the LBS is actively involved in an affair.
It's just asking a bit much.

That said, I do think a place of grace and tolerance can be reached within the LBS and they can show kindness without judgement. It's not going to come easy or naturally though.

To truly try to JUST be a "you can cry on my shoulder" kind of friend could be harmful to the LBS in my opinion. Especially in the early days/weeks/months after the discovery of the affair.

I just don't know anyone that is strong enough to withstand that kind of self-compromise.

I simply don't advocate it.

It is too potentially harmful to the already-wrecked LBS.

Maybe down the road.

Not right out of the gate, though.

[BobbiJo]

I don't get how that works, either, too me that would be way too difficult..."Hey let's have fun hanging out together, then you can go back to your place and have sex with ow????"

But I do remember a passage much like that from the book. One man said he stayed his wife's 'best friend', helped her pack her things, load the moving boxes, etc. etc. Was a shoulder to lean on, even let her vent to him when she was going through problems with her OM....eventually, according to the story, she realized that her husband was such an amazing guy to do all of that for her, and she left the OM and went back to her husband.

But my H said in counseling once that for me to "put up with" that type of thing made him view me as weak, not strong, so I don't quite know what to believe....

Even though i didn't carry it out well at the time, I am more a fan of the 'love must be tough' approach, where you say, OK you made a choice to leave, so bye bye....don't look to me for help anymore.

[Imageer]

BobbiJo, I think the guy you are referring to is named David. I seem to remember reading about him on this site. He may have been a poster way back but I'm not sure.

In my experience talking to many of the guys on this board, I would have to say that trying to be their friend makes a much smoother ride than not. However, this may not hold true for the women dealing with their husbands. I'm not sure.

I do agree though that it is very hard at first. I decided that I would try to be my W's friend at about a month in to this. I had to really take a "fake it 'til you make it" attitude in the beginning though.

[AmyC]

Sooner or later most people that are here are going to reach a level in DBing - and in their lives - where they are going to determine from deep inside themselves whether or not their love is TRULY unconditional.

Hopefully it is, and that's when I think the shift to "friends" can occur. I primarily viewed Puppy's question in light of a NEW LBS, and stand by my position on telling a newcomer to try to be their wayward spouse's friend could be too damaging in the beginning.

Indeed the "fake it til you make it" idea can be done and has been successfully. Perhaps I'm just thinking of the more emotionally devastated LBSs. Some can do it. Others, it would destroy.

The "friend" idea just can't be applied blanketly, in my opinion.
I think too many of the WASs would take advantage of it.

[Imageer]

To add to that I think that it might also depend on the WAS. In my case, my W is not very confrontational. However, in a situation where that wasn't the case, trying to be friends might be like trying to be friends with a shark.

[AmyC]

Exactly!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If the concept is, "treat them like one would a friend, but not like you would a spouse," I ask: who would continue to be FRIENDS with someone who would BETRAY them in such a manner???

[AmyC]

Someone who'd had it laid on their heart to do all that was humanly possible to save their marriage and then some, Puppy.

[Imageer]

Puppy, if MLC was declared a mental illness and put in to the DSM, would you still have trouble being a friend?

It may not be but it is very closely related. Depression and Bi-Polar disorder are often factors in this.

All I'm saying is that as much as this is hurting you, put yourself in the WAS's shoes. They are an emotional mess and going through much pain and turmoil. They are hurting as much as you. An affair is always a sign of a deeper problem.