This might sound crazy but I keep fantasizing about taking a personal sabbatical/retreat. Away from this board, away from work, away from tv, away from everything. Like I need to just go someplace quiet where I don't have to speak to anyone about anything for a few days in a row, I can just walk in nature (it would have to be someplace warm!), and think, or not think, clear my mind....
Woog you made me think of it when you said don't sweat the small stuff. This whole situation has been going on actively for over a year now, and was obviously brewing before then, at least 18 months now. I just want to find some "quiet" space in my brain, but I can't find it...
That is why I sometimes get caught up turning which ever way the wind blows. One day I think about how much I love H and how great it used to be and I want to run home and wrap him in my arms and say 'screw the past, let's life for now and build our future!'. Then I get home and he is distant and I remember, "Oh yeah, coming together again and going forward is not a decision I get to make" (Or as you said, quoting Mick, you can't always get what you want)
Other times I simmer and simmer and think about how cavalier H seems to be about the whole thing (I know he isn't really, he agonizes over his indecision), how he can just go for months with his little "I don't know what I want" script, and I want to physically pick him up and throw him out of the house and out of my life. Then later I am back to wanting him around and I am so glad I didn't really try to toss him...
Ooops now you know the secret, I am crazy....
I just want to find space to think, to look at this with a 1,000 mile perspective instead of a 1 cm perspective...
