Nothing has happened yet, don't know if it will, I saw him for 20 minutes before class and he was being a sh!t, IMO, so we shall see if I can revamp my attitude before I go home.
Ali, funny you just posted, I spent the last 15 minutes reading your previous two threads so now I can read the current one without feeling I have missed something...
Really H wasn't being much of a sh!t, I guess. You guys tell me...I think I just was feeling threatened. He was going to take the kids swimming at the Y while I was at class. He said they were going at 6, which is when my class starts (I am here for class but prof. is sick so I am going to work on my term project...eventually!).
Anyway I was just starting dinner at 5:15 and H comes in the door. I forgot he took the afternoon off to work on the farm...so he got home early. I told him I was heating up chicken nuggets for the kids. He was trying to be funny and said, "If it's just heating up nuggets I can take them out for something", I took it as a jab at me and he said, "Relax"...
Then he told the kids to get their swimsuits, I went to get the swim bag and towels and he said, "Stop, I am taking them, I will get it ready". So I went to get the ketchup for the nuggets and he said, "I said I GOT it, I am getting them ready, don't worry about it". I felt he was being crabby with me. Excluding me. The three of them sat at the table and ate dinner while I stood at the counter clipping coupons, I couldn't believe he didn't include me...
He came in the kids' room to get [censored]'s coat and I was putting away laundry. I screwed up, I was mad, I said, "What is this, are you practicing having your visitation time?" He said, "No, relax....you don't need to dote on us when you should be getting ready for class, I have it handled..."
Funny, when he didn't help out I felt he was being a jerk and now that he was trying to do it all without me I felt he was being a jerk......
He did say goodbye and 'see you when you get home' when they left, so I just need to relax. ....
This might sound crazy but I keep fantasizing about taking a personal sabbatical/retreat. Away from this board, away from work, away from tv, away from everything. Like I need to just go someplace quiet where I don't have to speak to anyone about anything for a few days in a row, I can just walk in nature (it would have to be someplace warm!), and think, or not think, clear my mind....
Woog you made me think of it when you said don't sweat the small stuff. This whole situation has been going on actively for over a year now, and was obviously brewing before then, at least 18 months now. I just want to find some "quiet" space in my brain, but I can't find it...
That is why I sometimes get caught up turning which ever way the wind blows. One day I think about how much I love H and how great it used to be and I want to run home and wrap him in my arms and say 'screw the past, let's life for now and build our future!'. Then I get home and he is distant and I remember, "Oh yeah, coming together again and going forward is not a decision I get to make" (Or as you said, quoting Mick, you can't always get what you want)
Other times I simmer and simmer and think about how cavalier H seems to be about the whole thing (I know he isn't really, he agonizes over his indecision), how he can just go for months with his little "I don't know what I want" script, and I want to physically pick him up and throw him out of the house and out of my life. Then later I am back to wanting him around and I am so glad I didn't really try to toss him...
Ooops now you know the secret, I am crazy....
I just want to find space to think, to look at this with a 1,000 mile perspective instead of a 1 cm perspective...
Nothing has happened yet, don't know if it will, I saw him for 20 minutes before class and he was being a sh!t, IMO, so we shall see if I can revamp my attitude before I go home.
Ali, funny you just posted, I spent the last 15 minutes reading your previous two threads so now I can read the current one without feeling I have missed something...
Really H wasn't being much of a sh!t, I guess. You guys tell me...I think I just was feeling threatened. He was going to take the kids swimming at the Y while I was at class. He said they were going at 6, which is when my class starts (I am here for class but prof. is sick so I am going to work on my term project...eventually!).
Anyway I was just starting dinner at 5:15 and H comes in the door. I forgot he took the afternoon off to work on the farm...so he got home early. I told him I was heating up chicken nuggets for the kids. He was trying to be funny and said, "If it's just heating up nuggets I can take them out for something", I took it as a jab at me and he said, "Relax"...
Then he told the kids to get their swimsuits, I went to get the swim bag and towels and he said, "Stop, I am taking them, I will get it ready". So I went to get the ketchup for the nuggets and he said, "I said I GOT it, I am getting them ready, don't worry about it". I felt he was being crabby with me. Excluding me. The three of them sat at the table and ate dinner while I stood at the counter clipping coupons, I couldn't believe he didn't include me...
He came in the kids' room to get [censored]'s coat and I was putting away laundry. I screwed up, I was mad, I said, "What is this, are you practicing having your visitation time?" He said, "No, relax....you don't need to dote on us when you should be getting ready for class, I have it handled..."
Funny, when he didn't help out I felt he was being a jerk and now that he was trying to do it all without me I felt he was being a jerk......
He did say goodbye and 'see you when you get home' when they left, so I just need to relax. ....
BBJ..why even attempt to help after he said.."he has it"?? To me this is just a control thing for him and you....let him do the things he will do for the kids and just stand back..9 out of 10 times a DAM can't find what he needs and will ask for your help anyway..
