No...it's true suggestions from me just go nowhere...and so I don't offer any at all. I know that my W's language of love is words of affirmation - and I try to find ways to offer those words - but it's hard since she's so very shut off from me now. We're only in our third week of actual separation - though we had been sleeping apart for the last six months - and her anger and resentment toward me seems to be getting worse. Though that's just my point of view - I could be completely wrong - since I am also certain that she is in a lot of pain right now - and often looks very confused when she comes by the house to pick up our baby boy for the evenings...
...oh...that's our arrangement at the moment. I pick up our baby boy from day care (as I've always done) - so he's with my from about 3.30/4 until she picks him up around 6.30/7ish. The last few times she's come to pick him up he ran away from her saying no mommy, no mommy, stay papi - and it was heartbreaking to see how it hit hurt - I felt so very sad for her - though, having had a child before, I know that little kids say that stuff even if both parents are in the same home...still - she looks like she's taking it very hard. In fact, the last time I talked with her she asked me to stop playing with the baby and not get him involved in anything before she gets here - that way it will be easier for her to pick him up...I just said okay, sure...though I won't stop playing with my baby or stop engaging him in activity - I'll just prepare him more by telling him that mommy will be here soon - and make sure that he has some time to process that and prepare.
I do have to hold back on who I talk with about my sitch - since I think my more protective friends are starting to join the ranks of my family in saying that I deserve better - and that I should just drop my wife from my life. But the truth is, it's just not that simple - the person I fell in love with is still in there - and I've known her at her most beautiful. The person she is now is filled with pain and confusion - and is going through a real crisis - and I just cannot be angry with her - or resent her. Her pain, after all, isn't about me - while it affects me and makes me profoundly sad - it's her pain, and she has got to heal - no matter what happens with us. I wish I could help her heal - but it was getting all too obvious that my presence was interfering with her ability to focus on herself...it was just too easy for her to project everything onto me...
Here's something I wrote in my newcomer thread - stuff that figures largely into how I am managing the separation:
Staying lovingly detached has many challenges to it - like the moments of frustration that pass through me - when I slip into judging her as immature and selfish - or forget that she's suffering terribly inside - and is in a lot of pain.
I know I've not been an ideal husband to her at times - and I know that I have let my anger get in the way of better communication between us - and I want to do everything within my power to be a better man - for the sake of my kids, myself and (hopefully) my wife. But I know and understand, that no matter what I do, I may have already lost her - that she is on a personal journey that she needs to take - and that it will be very painful for her.
Today I had both sons home with me for the afternoon - and it was such joy - but it also gave me so much sadness - to sit there with my baby on my lap, talking with my older son, and wishing so badly that I could share this moment with my with my wife.
My wife's father is a terribly narcissistic, abusive man - he's also an alcoholic. Both my MIL and SIL have told me that my W did exactly what she's doing now when she was about thirteen - though when my MIL told me that she added, "I have no idea why...and if I told her father some of the things she says about him it would just break his heart." Maybe it's true...maybe they have no idea why...but it seems more than likely that they just can't bring themselves to admit what they know...and so she will have to suffer through it on her own.
Here are some things I know about my wife: she has nightmares in which a spider shaped like a man's hand creeps toward her in bed, her father used to watch her while she was in the shower, her parents had sex in front of the kids, her father kicked her out of the house several times when she was a teenager, her parents let a known child molester (my w's uncle) stay in their house when their daughters were just 3 and 5 years old, my wife has often been completely detached while ML....
why write out this list? I don't know really...in a way it's to remind me that a lot of what she's going through predates me - and that it's stuff I can do nothing about. I had tried to offer her a safe harbor at home for months - tried so very hard to be kind and quiet and supportive over the last few months...but it just didn't seem to matter. No matter what I said or did - she would find aggression in it - even if I was just standing still...I also have a deep voice - and it seemed like no matter what I said, she would accuse me of being angry - even when I didn't have an ounce of anger in my body...and it just felt like she was spinning me around and around until I would fall...
So...why the split? Partly out of a need to protect myself from her accusations - since it really seemed like she was heading toward calling the police with a false claim against me - and also because it seems like this is what she wants right now. I had asked her several times before she left if she would go back into MC with me - with a new MC - but she wouldn't do it - and simply said that she had to leave me because I kept insisting that she had a problem - and that I wouldn't admit to my own problems...She also seemed to be using that "Why Does He Do That" book as a sort of bible/checklist by which to gauge me and determine whether or not I could change.
