Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

So journaling although I have no real new updates...

I started getting paranoid toward the end of my day at work. I am still getting hung up on every little thing, and I hope I can get to the point where I am not like a skittish animal. I was worried because H hadn't been IMing me much toward the end of the day. It was silly, but I didn't feel like he was jokey or fun with me today, and this made me nervous. I got home, and H was excited about some new mouse (the computer kind) that he bought, so this was cute, but other than this he was still working when I got home, and seemed a bit distant. I asked what was wrong (haven't done that in ages) and he said "nothing" in what I thought was a weird voice. I went to work out, came back, and everything seemed fine. We were joking around, and now he is playing video games. I really want to get past this point where every little intonation makes me think something horrible is going on.

I know we're not where I want us to be yet (even though I am still incredibly thankful for how far we've come), but we are now on the 3rd week of no R talks, and nothing but positivity--or at worst moments where H doesn't respond to my overtures...

So I have made up my mind not to housesit unless H directly asks me to. I know this was a contentious decision on these boards and in some ways I do think that had I left, H would have been forced to take responsibility for his actions toward me. On the other hand, me staying here was the surer thing, where improvement may be slower and I may be taken more for granted, but things are comfortable, and I have worked SO hard for the last few months that I really need this if at all possible. Things may still change, but at the moment I want to work toward normalcy and comfort, and this is what helps me get on with things at work, and hence have more confidence in other areas...

It's 10 PM here in Dublin, and I'm about to head to bed. I'll journal more tomorrow :).

ITH