You sound so strong. I'm glad you had a good time in NZ, and really glad that work is busy.
Doesn't it feel great to be happy with life the way it is? What are you going to do about H? I guess you don't lose anything by letting him take the lead and seeing what happens. I think you're right that he needs to call a bit more and take a bit more initiative.
And it doesn't sound bad to say that you want to feel good when you see him. Is there anything you think you could do to increase your attraction for him?
Lots of questions and few answers from me today. Sorry! Have a fab weekend!!
Well my update. It does help to let it out and express what's happening... so here goes!
H and I ML. But afterwards I didnt feel very attracted to him. So I thought I would wait to let him call me - and it took him a week to call.
Then I went to NZ for work, and didnt hear from him for another 2 weeks... And I was feeling really good about myself, and not really interested in him. Ever since he left I've been adamant that I wouldnt file for divorce. If he wants to get divorced then he should file. But lately I've actually been starting to think that I would like to have closure, and to be able to move on and close that door behind me. But I know that my emotions are so up and down, so I'm not rushing into any decisions. I've been feeling like I dont want our relationship badly enough to have the energy to reconcile a marriage.
I also want to be with someone who is my equal, not someone I need to mother. And I want to be with someone who has integrity. Maybe I dont respect H enough - maybe I should have, but lately I've been thinking that he didnt really do anything that earned my respect.
But something still tugs on my heart strings, so after more than 3 weeks of no contact, I called H, and we talked on the phone for about an hour. I think it was the deepest conversation we have had in the last couple of months. He shared about how hard he is finding it to run his own business and he sounded very down. I think I was supportive without trying to fix it - I really dont want to have to fix his mess, which is new for me! He also shared stuff about his family and seemed quite vulnerable. I think that he has some level of depression.
He invited me to dinner on Thursday night - that is nice. It does count as a date, but it would be so much sweeter if he had called me in the first place.
So I guess I'm plodding along. I'm letting go of control and not trying to guess what the future holds, and to force a decision. Either way the decision will be hard. But I think I will know what is 'right' when the time is 'right'. At the moment it feels like I need to be there for him, while holding onto myself, and just see what happens in the next few weeks.
I'm really looking forward to a break at Christmas. I think I would like to make a decision about H in the new year. I think there has to be a time when you say its been long enough, this is either too much hard work, or its worth the hard work.
I can totally relate to what you are saying at the moment. I wonder, one of the stages in DBing is to make it 'safe' for them to contact you/ friendship... the next stage is reingniting that spark/ building a relationship? Do you think if this happened it would spur you on to work further on your marriage? Ruts are quite hard to get out of... unless you aren't in one of course.
Dinner on Thursday sounds great, but I agree that it'd be nice if H would initiate a bit more contact and pursue you a little. He sounds really stressed with work though, and so many men tie their self-esteem up into their work. I agree that for now you need to be a good friend to him and be there.
IMHO that might mean you needing to make contact and help him through without offering any solutions. Maybe a non-committal e-mail with a joke in it or something every now and again to remind him you exist and ditract him from work but with no pressure? I know it's more work for you in the sense of putting more effort into the R right now, but I think that if you're there for him now he'll step up once the problems are sorted out.....
I love talking to people from the future! I've missed you!!
Wow, so things are still a bit stuck and you still arent sure? Wow, its been rumbling along for a while hasnt it. You sound ok though, and I like your plan of waiting until after your holiday to make a decision. You mentioned having less respect for him, do you think thats because of how he has acted this past 1-2 years (and can you work on your forgiveness?) or have you just outgrown him a little?
Its positive that you had a good chat on the phone and at least there doesnt seem to be an ow on teh scene, which frankly, I am envious of! It makes things alot easier, that it is just about you and him and you two can make a decision basied on your possible R and not a third party clouding the issues.
Good to have you back!
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm so glad to hear your update!! It sounds like you are doing really well!
I get this feeling that you are disappointed by H's actions, or that he is not fulfilling your expectations. but he might try to meet your "criteria" if he knew what they were. I think he wants you... maybe he is just scared? Preoccupied? Overwhelmed? It seems like he really wants to spend time with you but maybe needs you to show him it is "safe" for him to ask for more.
(I mean I can't WAIT to talk to my B, but I procrastinate because I want to be in "ideal emotionally presentable form"... not like before when I could reach out to him no matter waht I was going through.)
Can you be more specific about how you feel the need to "mother" him? What would he be doing, specifically, if he did not need to be mothered? What could he do to show that he had integrity? Very specifically?
I wonder... if the b!tch book method of making him chase you might actually just be making him insecure and confused?
I will support you no matter what you decide. But I do have a soft spot for your H and if he is still pulling your heartstrings I want to see if we can do more of what works!!
Maybe we can go back to "basics" here? What do you want? OR what MIGHT you want? what behaviors have provoked him to give you what you want? (I remember that special concert he took you to... and when he wanted to ML with you and carried you onto the bed and then you wriggled out of it...)
I think we should all have a moment of clarity at some point. I think that being clear about what you need and want is a sign of maturity and growing through this sh!t we are all facing/faced here.
If you feel he cant give you what you want then you know what to do. For Gods sake, you are so young, no kids involved, what's the point to ask for things you cant get from someone that simply doesnt have them? Or does he have them? IMO, that's what you should focus on right now, can he give you what you need?
Word of caution : you sound like you are ready to detach completely. Dont be surprised if that triggers his change of heart... xxx K
Thank you so much girls for checking on me. I just wrote on Jeff's thread about how thankful I am for all of you - you really have made such a difference in my journey. I actually hate to imagine where I would be without your friendship and advice!
Julia - You are so right - I need to concentrate on the spark, and less on what I want to be happening.
Lisa - I've missed you - think about you all the time. So glad to hear that you are enjoying lots of male attention. How are you? I always look forward to your nuggets of wisdom! More goss on your life please!!
Ali - Thanks for your message. I dont even know if there is an OW. Not a long term OW, but I think I'm fooling myself to think that there have been short time flings! I constantly debate whether H and I should be having deeper conversations, but my gut instinct says that I need to follow his lead, and not push to have a R conversation that he's not ready for. And I still have so many doubts about whether I actually want our M again or not....
T - (((Lovely))) Thanks for your questions! They are so tricky!! I'm glad you have a soft spot for my H - I dont know if he deserves it but he is lost. You are so right - when I think about my interactions with H, the word that mostly pops up is disappointment. How do I know if its because my expectations are too high, or if it simply is that he's not that into me and therefore not making an effort??? I would LOVE to answer this question - I think its the root problem of our Relationship from Day 1.
In an attempt to answer your questions (so tricky) I feel like he is broken, or stuck, not happy, and that he cant think of solutions, so I mother him by coming up with solutions. To be honest I did this all the time in our R, but I havent done it since we separated. He often looks to me to tell him what to do (in regards to work, relationships, leisure, his life!) I dont want to do this again. I want someone who can identify what's not working in their life and then make a plan and fix it. It worries me that he is still not taking responsibility for the things in his life that he doesnt strive for things that would make him happy. But I'm open to the possibility that I'm being judgemental and that its only because he does things differently to me. But he does seem unhappy (at least he cant blame that on me anymore!)
Inegrity - you know its doing the right thing even when its the hard choice. I'd like to see H be honest. I'd like him to do things that would make it safer for me to trust him. I'd like him to follow through on his promises. Its not that he's not doing it now, our interactions are so limited - but he hasnt in the past.
Yes I wonder too if the bitch book has put me slightly off course. Although sometimes it really seems to work, and it always makes me feel better! Othertimes it doesnt seem to work (see below!). Or maybe H doest know what he wants and there is nothing I could do one way or the other that would change it!
What do I want? I want to live my life and experience everything I can to the fullest. It would be nice to be in a relationship with someone that adds to my life, and it would be nice if H was that person. But a relationship and H are both bonuses!
What dont I want? To get stuck hoping and waiting for H to show up, when he really isnt adding to my life. How long to wait and hope I'm not sure.
K- Thanks for your encouragement. A little while ago you posted about how angry you were with your H, making you make a decision about you R - and how it was so much easier when you were the victim and had no control over what the outcome was. At the time I couldnt relate to how you were feeling at all - but lately I've been having the same thoughts. But sadness not anger..
How do I get him to come runnning into my arms without having to file??
So last week there was a really bad storm. Lots of flooding. I couldnt get to work (yay!) so had to stay home. H rang to see if I was badly affected and also wanted to come and pick up a tent so that he could go camping. We had an OK interaction - a bit strained, because it had been so many weeks since we'd seen each other. He looks awful - he's put on a lot of weight this last year. Well not awful, but not as handsome as he used to look! I also gave him boxes of his stuff that I'd packed up. There is only one more box at my place with his stuff now! And that feels good! I asked him to look at a light that was broken, and he was super helpful and got a replacement part for it. Very nice. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but at the last minute decided that it wouldnt be good to be out driving in the storms. So we talked for about an hour on the phone. This interaction was fun and less strained.
Last night we had our date. Very nice. I'm so careful to compliment any decisions he makes, instead of being the control freak I used to be! Anyway dinner was really nice. He hugged me and put his arm around my waist to guide me to the table (scored points for that). I talked lots about all the fun things I've got planned - I'm not sure if this strategy is working, but I dont know what else to do? At the end of dinner it started pouring with rain, so he got his car and drove me to my car so I wouldnt get so wet. He kissed me in the car - all the kissing is initiated by him, but I had to make it 'safe' by touching him lovingly on his arm beforehand.
Dammmn so confusing! I dont understand him! Maybe its OK that we are just connecting as lovers again - clearly there is good chemistry between us. The hardest part is that it seems to only be OK as long as I keep everything light and happy. I guess I'm scared of anything deeper - partly because of my own feelings, and partly cause I dont want to be hurt again.
What are your suggestions to opening him up a bit more? I want to know where he sees the relationship heading. Am I just scared of not being in control? I dont know if I'm OK to just seem him once every 3-4 weeks and talk on the phone every second week. I do want more from a relationship.
