lets' say OM vanishes..they break up..something happens..then what say you??
thats a good question Mike. Right now, the way I'm feeling, wouldnt matter. Whats done is done. The OM was the deal breaker, that she chose him over me and our family and over her daughter having a mother and father together, is, in my books, unforgivable.
I think I would always have the fear that she'll do it again. That sometime down the road she'll get the grass-is-greener feelings and we'd be back at the same place.
I dont think I'd ever be able to trust what she says again, she's told so many blatant lies over the past 6 months - where she's going, who she's with, who she's talking to, the txting day and night and in the shower. She's told her lies to everyone, painted me as manipulative, abusive, etc etc - you know the story.
i'm a jealous basturd, things like this dont go away easy.
and right now, i just dont feel much for her. we're friendly, but not friends. and she makes it very clear that the interactions we have are for the sake of our daughter and the transition into seperate households.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
lets' say OM vanishes..they break up..something happens..then what say you??
thats a good question Mike. Right now, the way I'm feeling, wouldnt matter. Whats done is done. The OM was the deal breaker, that she chose him over me and our family and over her daughter having a mother and father together, is, in my books, unforgivable.
I think I would always have the fear that she'll do it again. That sometime down the road she'll get the grass-is-greener feelings and we'd be back at the same place.
I dont think I'd ever be able to trust what she says again, she's told so many blatant lies over the past 6 months - where she's going, who she's with, who she's talking to, the txting day and night and in the shower. She's told her lies to everyone, painted me as manipulative, abusive, etc etc - you know the story.
i'm a jealous basturd, things like this dont go away easy.
and right now, i just dont feel much for her. we're friendly, but not friends. and she makes it very clear that the interactions we have are for the sake of our daughter and the transition into seperate households.
so let's play what if..let's say she comes out of the fog..work with me here buddy...have you read any Gforce??? His whole sitch?? His W did the same..she had OM..she lied..she said and did things..he DB'd till the very last second..
you might want to read him..for what it's worth..
I'm like you..I know the drill..I've been there, done that..got a shirt..
things can change...if you and I can change then can't they??
i did have lots of laughs last night, had Zophias sitter laughing pretty good too. When i went to pick up my D, i spent almost 2 hours playing with just her and her friend, they could be twins, just doing whatever the girls wanted.
at one point i was wearing a pink wig, a scarf and fairy wings. and the biggest damn smile you could find. I played the Beast to their Belle and Sleeping Beauty. I was a table while they prepared their picnic on my back. I was operated on with a plastic sword and gave birth to an assortment of balls, blocks, toys, and .45 cents in change - I still cant figure out where the money came from. They made me wash my face in cold water, hot water, spaghetti, worms, bubbles and more worms. I saved them from the monster, and i was the monster. I was a horsey, a witch, a maid, a cheerleader and a wolf.
it was a full night, and i loved every second of it.
i must say, no matter how much pain i feel, how much i miss my beautiful little girl, how lonely i am when i'm not with her, through all of this, i have a much greater appreciation of my time with her than i probably would have had this not happened. When we're together we're TOGETHER, every second counts, no phones calls, no computers, just us.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I'm hearing you Mike, I really am. maybe its just too fresh right now for me to really go along freely with the What Ifs. theres also the feeling that I dont want to be her back up plan.
I'm not familiar with Gforce, although I will check out his sitch.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Sounds to me like you're there, Ken...in a big way - and what better way to be in your skin than to play with your D. Sounds like an amazing time - and pure joy.
My favorite part of your post is that you don't mention your W once...all you and your child and her friend - and you HAPPINESS.
I didnt even notice that Carlos, thanks for pointing it out.
spent an interesting weekend with Zophia, she was sick most of the time, stomach virus and trips to the doctors. her UTI came back so another trip to the doctors.
things have been improving quickly, my mind is clearer, my feelings less hurt, gaining greater control over my thoughts.
had a few drinks with a friend last night, got some great support from him and talk of my next job. hopefully we can work something out around February.
Zophias furniture was delivered yesterday, she'll see it for the first time tonight. its beautiful, i'm proud of myself. princess bed all the way. i need to pick up bedrails so she doesnt fall out, hopefully i can buy it on the way to picking her up from daycare.
I took Mike's idea of putting a picture of her mother in her room. STBX stopped over yesterday to pick up some more of her stuff and saw the furniture, she said she liked it and commented on the pic. I've been removing her pics from the rest of the house, that she didnt comment about, but i'm sure she noticed.
things between us have been civil and friendly, which throws me a bit. but it is what it is. friendly but not friends is how i look at it.
I've been getting my house in order, gone is the constant clutter that was there from the STBX, i can actually see the counters now, the table is free from paperwork and catalogs and other unimportant junk that just seemed to stack up. still have much to go, i'll use this weekend alone to continue cleaning and organizing.
and yes, i have been smiling more these days.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
That picture in your daughter's room speaks volumes about you..you put your "stuff' to the side for your daughter..I think that's awesome..I have 2 pictures of Kim in my daughters room.One of Kim and I together and one of Kim alone...Caleigh will pick the pictures up and show them to me occasionally..and say this is my mommy and daddy..
Hey Ken - How's this week going along? Taking inspiration from you, I'm going to get a new bed for my S2 this weekend. He's still not spending nights with me here - but he will eventually - and I want to make sure that his room feels like it's his by then. He's only two, so he can sleep in his crib just fine - and it's supposed to convert easily into a child's bed - but I'm thinking a fun bed might be more like it.
It made me happy to read your last post - and I think it's wonderful of both you and Mike to have pictures of mom in the kids' rooms. I've been thinking of doing the same - and so it shall be.
Carlos, it gets better each day. I get better each day. i have friends i love and that love me. they give me support and keep me centered. i've connected with friends from 20 years ago. i've begun reconciliation with family and old friends. i have friends here that have given me so much when they themselves are needing - thats rare, and thats special. and i appreciate it more than i can express.
i am cleansing. i am smiling. i drift in and out of happiness and contentment, but i now know i'll drift back in again. i sing - badly, yet i sing. i cry - badly, yet i cry. i catch glimpses of peace, fleeting as they may be, but thats ok. i feel pain and loneliness, anger and disappointment in myself and in my ex-wife. but even when on the verge of tears and an overwhelming desire to go fetal in the dirty corner of some dank closet, i know this will pass and that gives me comfort and strength and the ability to stand straight and face it head on. i no longer blame myself for everything, i accept my responsibility. i study my faults and dont turn away. i know i'll flinch but i wont turn away. i will not turn away. i'm learning. i feel rejuvinated. i feel more wise, i see things not as i did, but with a fresh perspective. what i used to ignore, now makes me smile. i'm rebuilding bridges i've burnt out of stupidity and stubborness and igorance and baseless pride. i'm scared i wont be able to trust again. i relish the details. everything has a new potential. everyone has a new potential. i have new potential. i feel stronger, physically and emotionally. and i look forward to getting stronger. i love my daughter more than i knew i could. when i cry for her, its for her, and not me. i have a need to find a new dream. and its not the dream that excites me, its that i feel a need. its something i havent felt in so long.
i'm looking forward because its getting better each day. because I'm getting better each day.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
