New Me - Will WAW ever notice?

[Kakatal]

I do see your point and I do think that it's perfectly reasonable not to be used. What would the old you have done?

Old me - she would have had her crap in the front yard back in July & never allowed to set foot in my house. Glad to have moved way past that person

What would the you that hasn't had a lot of success done? If it's being Mr. Nice guy and helping her out, then perhaps the hard stand is the better choice. I'm struggling with this though because I haven't got the vibe from her that she's as far gone as some. She isn't nasty and angry. She allowed the argument to get smoothed over. It is a lot to ask of you though.

Thing is she does lead me to believe that she hasn't truly made up her mind about what she wants. She says she has things she needs to work out. She is trying keep things as civil as she can but why, I can only speculate - guilt, feels sorry to be cause of my pain, for the kids, doesn't want to totally close the door...who knows.

I believe she needs IC. I have offered to this for her - I will get reimbursed so I am not losing $$$ - just so that she can get some unbiased help. Not going to suggest it again since she has the information. But her inaction just tells me she isn't ready to change.

In the end, you have to do what is best for you, regardless of her. If you've reached a point where you say, "I'm done with you unless you are done with OM", then go ahead and tell her that you aren't interested. Say, "do you think that this would be reasonable if we were divorced, as we appear to be headed for?" If you are going to say no, then don't make it about OM or how he should help her out financially. Make it about you and your boundaries. "We are divorcing. You set me free. I set you free. I'm not indifferent or unsympathetic with your plight, but you made this decision and I respect that. You'll need to figure out a different way to make this work for you." Whatever. I'm no good at this kind of thing.

Sunday I thought I was pretty clear that when I told her that I just do not see her ever giving us a 2nd chance, that I do not believe she has it in her to change & see me for who I am now. I am not going to be your fall back option. Just want to move on with my life & have accepted that D is going to happen. Grateful for it since I have become such a better person & father.

I do not talk about OM so no need to make any ultimatum there. I do like asking her how she sees this arrangement working once D is final in March. And I also like your response about the boundaries. Don't knock yourself - you give great advice here to all!

I'm trying to be Mr. good little DBer even though I know there is no way I wouldn't kick my wife to the curb and quit worrying about how she was fairing. I just didn't feel comfortable suggesting that to you because of what I saw as positives that you could maybe start from. Puppy might have a better idea...and probably not rescuing her is more wise. Sorry to be wishy-washy...I'm really having a hard time with your situation.

Well if you are having a hard time, just imagine how I feel!

I am not going to bring this up with her - she will have to ask if I have made a decision. I do empathize with her, want to help. But I keep thinking about the impact on our kids.

Right now they get all of mom's time & attention during the day. If she starts watching other kids, then they have to share her again. W made a huge issue of being drained at end of day & not having anything left for our kids. So allowing her to run the daycare again is going to bring back those feelings in her of being trapped in the house, situation, etc. except for the marriage. Don't think that would be fair to her or kids.

Conversely, putting kids into daycare would not allow her time to be with them. But we had discussed putting S4 back into daycare few times a week in order to get him acclimated to school setting since he will be starting kindergarten next Sept. D2 would be going into daycare full time next Sept so she would just have to start earlier than expected. All that is predicated on w finding a full time 9-5 job - kinda of difficult in these economic times but not impossible.