That's the problem, I vacillate between thinking I can only control myself, I need to just live my life, do what I can to make myself happy, etc etc and let everything else figure itself out
and
Thinking that life is to short to just keep on keepin' on in this state of "who knows what we are to each other"...
Then something like this (7 yr old losing his dad unexpectedly, dan's parents' cancer diagnoses, etc) happens about once a month and I get turned upside down in my brain. I understand that when I am positive, outgoing, 'real' BBJ my H naturally finds that person more interesting. And he has been opening up to me this week about how scared he is to make a decision....so that is something in itself I guess.
I know I remember hearing that after 9/11 happened, a lot of couples who were in a state of limbo made quick decisions. A lot of them decided, "In the grand scheme of life, our differences are just petty, let's stay together". But some also said, "Life is too short to keep settling, I want to LIVE while I am alive"...
I guess that is what this is like to me....I feel like things are not moving anywhere anytime soon. H seems to like being stuck in limbo b/c he doesn't have to make a real decision.
Pushing him to make a decision is another cheeseless tunnel, been there, done that. Even if we were getting closer at the time, he will pull back and throw up walls, go even farther away just b/c he is mad that I dared to tell him what to do...
But making the decision to just move on and cut him out of my life, so to speak, like when I was threatening to file for D, goes against my true desire to be in this marriage WITH my H...
So what does that leave? Me, going through life, finding things that make me happy (kids, church, running, teaching) all the while wrestling with the fact that I want to be able to touch, hold, kiss, LOVE the man I am in love with...
Trust me, I look okay on the outside today the turmoil is all kept neatly inside....
I went up to the mall and bought two copies of "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"--Purple had recommended it.
My intention is/was to keep one copy and give one to H but I haven't done it yet...
I have read half of it so far, I am a quick reader. It asks some good questions, gives some good guidelines. It walks you through a series of questions to help you make a decision as to which kind of M you have (too good to leave OR too bad to stay; it says you can't be in an M that is BOTH even if you tell yourself you are).
So far I have answered half the questions and nothing has pointed to the fact that I will be happier if I leave than if I stay. But there are some questions where, from H's perspective, I am not so sure...The big thing is this author talks about how toxic it is to live your life in an ambivalent state, that it saps so much of your time, energy, and 'life' out of your life. That people who walk through marriages for 30 years, debating all the while whether to stay or go, missed out on two other options:
Dedicating themselves to the M, and finding happiness.
Deciding to leave and leaving, and finding happiness.
She said the only guaranteed UNhappiness is to stay "stuck"...
I have asked him even just this past Sunday when he admitted that he cannot buy anything to make him happy. I commented on how it sucks to be so unhappy, not sleeping,etc that maybe he should talk to someone...
He said immediately, angrily,
"I am NOT going on pills, I don't think there is such a thing as a 'get happy' pill"...........
He had previously said he just doesn't have time to go to IC. I can mention it again, what do I really have to lose? This tentative friendship thing we have going?
That is what my thoughts were on giving him the book. What do I have to lose? And I got myself one so I can review my thoughts/choices, too, because it is not just 'up to him'. He specifically said Sunday he is absolutely afraid to make a decision, doesn't know how to make a decision, I thought the book might help make those things a little more clear to him...if he won't go to IC then maybe something can help him sort out his thoughts...
About you leaving people info to let us know if 'you are gone', I actually wrote up a document called 'arrangements' after the first little boy at our school lost his dad 6 weeks ago.
I saved the doc. to my desktop at school. It lists flowers, songs, Bible verses, casket color, etc. in case something happens to me.....I don't think people in shock and mourning should have to figure that stuff out themselves. Maybe I am just morbid...
I know I'm a broken record, but have you asked him to go see an IC? To perhaps suggest that it might help him find a way to be happy?
I'll stop asking
Hey Woog..
I'll give it a go..(as Mikey slowly unwraps his Kiln dried 2x4)
hey awesome and slightly stubborn blond cheerleader babe
have you mentioned IC to Dan again??
why not?? what's he gonna do?? Work on the farm, sleep on the couch, not come to bed with you...be fine one day and foggy the next..What's it gonna hurt to ask him??
If we are playing the "what have I got to lose" game, can I just jump on him after the kids are in bed and try to molest him? A girl has needs you know..........
yep and knowing how these DAM's are he would wind up in a fetal position in some corner scared to death.. instead of "getting it, like he should be getting it"
sorry BBJ..I'm still in my mood from yesterday..
I feel more pain and frustration for you guys..Kalni, Racefan, you..Mish..SMW than I feel for myself in my own sitch and get so freakin pissed about it I can't see straight.
I saved the doc. to my desktop at school. It lists flowers, songs, Bible verses, casket color, etc. in case something happens to me.....I don't think people in shock and mourning should have to figure that stuff out themselves. Maybe I am just morbid...
