I've tried that "you can never have contact with him again" route and she just saw that as me controlling her.
I think you're way of putting it is better, H4U. It doesn't make it a line in the sand when you don't have to do it that way. There is NO POINT in saying you can never have contact and now you won't. It is both going to FEEL controlling, and FEEL like, instead of not trusting her, that you think she can't control herself. Maybe you do think that but there is no value in telling her so.
I strongly disagree. If H4U's wife needs to be spending these past 14 months figuring out if she is willing to do the hard work that's necessary, along with H4U, then she needs to know clearly what the roadmap is going to be. And 100% no-contact, with full transparency, is absolutely essential.
This isn't a stylistic point, or a "how-it-comes-across" issue. This is the reality of what H4U needs in order for him to stay in the marriage after his wife's infidelity. I called "bullchit" because I saw him as dancing-on-eggshells around the issue, and trying to say "Oh, this is just ME," rather than putting more responsibility on his wife.
For God's sake, the woman hasn't even read one chapter of one BOOK at this point about how the marriage got to where it is, what her role was, and what she can do to learn about herself to make sure it doesn't happen again. I just respectfully feel like we're long past the time for "Ooooh, let's not spook her!" at this point.
