That's the problem, I vacillate between thinking I can only control myself, I need to just live my life, do what I can to make myself happy, etc etc and let everything else figure itself out
and
Thinking that life is to short to just keep on keepin' on in this state of "who knows what we are to each other"...
Then something like this (7 yr old losing his dad unexpectedly, dan's parents' cancer diagnoses, etc) happens about once a month and I get turned upside down in my brain. I understand that when I am positive, outgoing, 'real' BBJ my H naturally finds that person more interesting. And he has been opening up to me this week about how scared he is to make a decision....so that is something in itself I guess.
I know I remember hearing that after 9/11 happened, a lot of couples who were in a state of limbo made quick decisions. A lot of them decided, "In the grand scheme of life, our differences are just petty, let's stay together". But some also said, "Life is too short to keep settling, I want to LIVE while I am alive"...
I guess that is what this is like to me....I feel like things are not moving anywhere anytime soon. H seems to like being stuck in limbo b/c he doesn't have to make a real decision.
Pushing him to make a decision is another cheeseless tunnel, been there, done that. Even if we were getting closer at the time, he will pull back and throw up walls, go even farther away just b/c he is mad that I dared to tell him what to do...
But making the decision to just move on and cut him out of my life, so to speak, like when I was threatening to file for D, goes against my true desire to be in this marriage WITH my H...
So what does that leave? Me, going through life, finding things that make me happy (kids, church, running, teaching) all the while wrestling with the fact that I want to be able to touch, hold, kiss, LOVE the man I am in love with...
Trust me, I look okay on the outside today the turmoil is all kept neatly inside....
