New Me - Will WAW ever notice?

[Kakatal]

Yes, it sucks that you have to give up your seat on the HOA but you need to stop being controlled by your emotions. Did this interaction help your sitch at all? Did it do you or her any good? How does coming through the door like a hurricane and sending off bad vibes help your sitch? I’m confused did we not just go over this stuff on Monday?

I know you are hurting on the inside. I know your chest feels like it is being squeezed in a press and I know you are lost and confused about what to do and how to act. Well let me ask you one question. Was the way you acted yesterday when you got home something you are proud of, does it fit the new you and if you could do it again would you do something different? I hope the answer is NO, No Yes.

NO NO YES. I am having a hard time changing my behavior. My whole life has been one where I buried my feelings & then popped my top when someone pushed the wrong button. I am aware of what I need to change but just need more time & practice to have it sink in. Of course I do not want to react like this - nothing I am proud of. Along the lines of the 24 hr response rule I need to have a 5 minute decompress before I walk into my house rule. Time to clear my thoughts, get my emotions dealt with & show off the PMA.

Being civil to your W and treating her with respect is not being a fool, its being the better person. Unfortunately for us LBS we have to carry a huge weight on our shoulders and bare the brunt of the hurt and pain. You need to detach yourself from this woman for your sake. Its eating you up inside and it is not allowing you to control these bad impulses.

Your not doing any of this for her. Being nice to her is not to make her feel better or make it seem like your fine with her choices. Its so you can stop hurting, stop getting so emotional and start living again. Take some time over the next couple of days and look at yourself. figure out what YOU want, what YOU want to do and who YOU want to be. Picture yourself in the future and then set your goals to meet that picture. It does not matter if you are M or single it should make no difference that person should be the same either way.

I am trying to detach. Still have lingering emotions about having my hopes mashed from last week. Just need time to find my inner peace again. Feel that having the expectation that D is going to happen will allow me to just let go & move on, allow my heart to heal.

I am happy with who the person I am becoming but I know I am a work in progress. Being aware of my behavior is a giant step forward, correcting it will always be the challenge. I know I am not anywhere near where I need to be & things like last night are reminders of that. Need to be able to express my feelings without the digs. I know!

I do realize that I took the focus off me & put it back on w. Taking steps to change that again for myself. Just need time for myself which is very scarce & set some goals.

That is how I knew she already had some ideas and that you should formulate your own. She was trying to co-parent and make money at the same time and what do you do. You waste hours of both your time and hers. You cause unnecessary conflict and drama and you blew another chance to show her your best side.

Then after all that BS, you get to the real reason for her coming over and start to work together. Good job listening and asking relative questions on your part. Help her with the insurance and see if you can make this happen for her. Remember its all about the kids so shelf those digs and off hand comments and keep them where they belong, in your head. Or better yet stop thinking them all together. DETACH, DETACH, DETACH.

Listen to her, be her friend but don’t solve her problems. She created them let her solve them but be compassionate and understanding. She is hurting, confused, guilty, stressed and torn between fantasy and reality. Read and then reread SmartCookies post over and over again. You are the better choice but only if you change your habit of doing without thinking and allowing your emotions to control your actions. Anger and hurt are the worst feeling to allow to control you. You will feel guilty afterward and pissed at yourself for doing it. I have been there and done it just as you have and it gets you nowhere fast.

Yep, get the BS out of the way & then finally at a calm state to be receptive to hear what w wanted to talk about. I realized that & was reason why I felt ok to talk to her. Just getting myself in that calm state initially is another thing I need to work on. Would save so much time & energy.

See my follow up on what my thoughts are on working with her over the use of my house in starting her daycare again.