My wife moved out at the beginning of this month - and I've continued to post in newcomers for the last few weeks...but thought that maybe it's time I move over here to We're Separated...
I'm in the process of letting go - and don't call, email or text her unless it's about something necessary regarding our baby or finances. I've dropped all R/M talk, and have made the tough decision of accepting this separation as something she wants and needs to do. Based on what I've described of my W's behavior numerous people here and also my T have suggested that my W is most likely BiPolar - and so that's something that she may have to work on for herself.
Since we're separated I know that the focus of my life has to become me and my children - but I also just want to share some info about my wife. There are lots of indicators that she may have been sexually abused as a child - and I know for certain that she was emotionally/verbally/physically abused by her father.
I ended up asking her to move out when it became clearer and clearer that she was seeing me as her abuser - and she had even gone so far as to tell her mother that if she couldn't find a place to stay she would go to a battered woman's shelter and claim that I had beaten her.
I don't know what will happen next. She is still of the mindset that everything that has gone wrong in her life is because of me - and she still continues to accuse me of being an abusive husband. With the help of my T and several others, I've come to understand that my W and I did have an emotionally abusive relationship - though my T has also let me know that he doesn't see signs in me of an abusive spouse - but rather I seem to have more of the signs of an abused spouse...which is still very hard to digest and admit.
I still love my wife very much - though I do know that we could never go back to the marriage we had before - it was just too painful and dysfunctional - and there was also just too much anger in the home.
I don't know if we'll ever get to the point of reconciliation - though I have seen that her leaving the house has awakened me to a lot of things that I have lost in myself. In just the last few weeks, since she moved out, I've seen how much I have given up of my individual identity - and how much I had tried - for almost ten years - to take care of her and protect her from herself - and from her darkest memories...and I think I contributed a lot to what we're going through now - just by having tried too much to carry the burden for her - and not letting her grow enough on her own...
One thing I know for certain - either my marriage will end in D and I will be a stronger person, or this separation will lead to reconciliation and we will, by necessity, have a better marriage than before. Either way, with either outcome, I will be fine - since the time I have between now and then is my opportunity to rediscover myself - and to become someone that is better equipped to love - and to receive love - than I was before.
My goals: 1. Write more - I work as a writer, but have just coasted through the last few years on auto-pilot, and haven't taken the kinds of chances that could move my career forward. 2. Get in better shape. I'm now running 20 miles a week - but want to go higher - and knock off another 5-10 pounds. 3. Give more meaningful time to my children - play with them more - go out with them more - show them more of the world and not let the lonely feeling of being a single dad keep us home. 4. Read more - not just about marriage and divorce (I've read dozens of books over the last seven months) - but read more fiction and non-fiction. 5. Get out and meet more people. Step out of my shell. 6. Get finances in order. 7. Find ways to expand this list...with my GAL/PMA ideas.
