Any thoughts on the mortgage stuff I brokered, or do you consider it his responsibility to keep paying? OR.. if the mortgage has gone down with the rate cut (?) could you move out and rent the house until the market improves or you and your H can talk openly to one another, to buy some more time?
Great that you and Lisa get to go out to dinner together! I'm jealous!
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((Ms M))) So did Jody mean that you should stay married as long as possible? He hasn't brought up divorce at all...
(((Lisa))) I didn't need it this morning, I woke up feeling good. I think that was from having such a fun evening last night but I will try it next time I wake feeling rubbish. Glad you got a flirty text; I still think that text to CEO last night was so funny. I reckon he would have chuckled!
(((Ali))) The mortgage is in joint names so he is legally obliged to pay. The bills I had considered offering to pay as he is not using any of the electricity etc. but that was before he moved into his flat with no discussion with me. If he had engaged with me I would have engaged back (and you can't say I haven't tried my hardest to engage him) but he didn't so in my view he can keep paying. When I said I had thought of taking on the bills to Jody she said 'bet your glad you didn't now', after me telling her about him moving in with ow. She is right; he needs to feel some consequences or at least keeping him paying may make him move out of this holding pattern eventually. Plus, it must be pissing off ow which helps my PMA a little. When he mans up and talks to me I will be amenable, until that time he can live with the consequences of his actions.
However, I will reassess this soon as I want to get out of the house. But I am willing to wait a little longer and give him the chance to man up. Maybe I sound angry? maybe I still am a bit but I see no rush to change things at the moment. I am tired of making all the effort.
Hey Julia! No news yet? I'm sorry you have to keep waiting.
Originally Posted By: JCJ
The mortgage is in joint names so he is legally obliged to pay.
.. fair enough, that is true.
Originally Posted By: JCJ
The bills I had considered offering to pay as he is not using any of the electricity etc. but that was before he moved into his flat with no discussion with me. If he had engaged with me I would have engaged back (and you can't say I haven't tried my hardest to engage him) but he didn't so in my view he can keep paying. When I said I had thought of taking on the bills to Jody she said 'bet your glad you didn't now', after me telling her about him moving in with ow. She is right; he needs to feel some consequences or at least keeping him paying may make him move out of this holding pattern eventually.
...Julia, I am really not sure about this. I dont think that making your ex pay half your bills still is the best way to win him back..? and if you look into your heart, do you really think its 'fair' to still make him pay half your electric after you have been separated a while? (and its not that much is it, can you afford it?).
I know you say he ought to, consequences, he should have talked to you, etc.. but two wrongs dont make a right? How does getting him to pay your electric make him see you in a good light? If I were him, I'd feel a little ticked off about it, but you want to aim to REDUCE negativity right now? Maybe it would be a friendly gesture of goodwill if you just paid your own electric and stopped asking him for half (ditto any other bills)?
I really hope you dont take this the wrong way, I am just REALLY trying to help here.. but I dont see how it would help your cause? You say he has to feel the consequences of his actions.. but thats about emotions and choice, having to pay half your bills isnt likely to make him feel he has made a mistake??
What do you think? Its not like there are children to support. My ex left me with no job and a mass of debts and an empty unsold flat I had to pay the mortgage on (neverlone the rent on our house). He didnt offer me a penny. He did dump �2000 in the joint account at Christmas without telling me and that paid half his rent for Nov-Feb, but I never expected him to pay half the bills once he had left.
The one exception for you would be.. buildings insurance - as the house IS his responsibility and that is totally his domain and fair enough he pays half of that bill (ditto my ex).
Plus, you want to show him (as Jody told me) that you are a strong, positive woman, capable of managing your own life, do not present a devastated, needy person just because he left you. I just think it would help your cause if you support yourself (ok, not the mortgage, fair do's) and let him know you can do that.
I'm rambling !! I think that these things are all kind of minor details really and there is so much more complex stuff going on than these incidentals, dont you think? And I am really sorry that he hasnt replied yet, I dont know about you, but I am finding that quite frustratign !!!!
And I am not surprised you are angry, and as someone who has a hard time accessing her anger, I applaud you for that. Its good to have anger and fight in you and it means you wont turn it in on yourslef and get depressed hopefully (as I did).
Thinking of you and sending you a big hug, Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I don't have a lot to add today, but just wanted to let you know that I'm always reading along and thinking of you.
I'm really disappointed in your H for not responding, but again this probably really blew him away and this kind of thing is probably pretty hard to respond to!
Hope you're doing well...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Oh Ali, I know, I just can't think about it at the moment but I will do. It has been on my mind for a while and as I said, before all this, I was going to offer. I just want to have some fun for a while and not deal with this sh*t.
I suppose I have to formulate a new plan of action based on his non-response. Although if someone won't talk to you, answer your texts/ emails, pick up the phone what do you do? Do I make another move? Do I wait for him to respond? He'll have to eventually if he wants to move forward with the house and I don't think I could have been any 'safer'/ nicer in my email to him. My goal is friendship so I have to work out how to get there.
Just one thing, when I saw him and we talked about finances the TV licence came up and I said, I should really be paying that as you don't have use of it and he poo pooed me and said no it was joint and changed the subject. When we split our finances I assumed I'd be paying half the car but he wrote back and highlighted it himself and said I shouldn't be paying anything towards the car as I had no use of it. I don't know what I should do really, I just wish he would communicate with me so we could discuss this.
I was thinking of you too earlier ITH, nice to 'see' you and I hope you are ok.
Hi Al- I just wanted to respond to your post here because we were talking about the financial side of things last night, and I wanted to say that if there's anyone who's not presenting a picture of someone devastated and needy, it's Julia. She's totally self-sufficient, almost to the point where being needy would be a 180 for her.
(((Julia)))- don't WAIT for a response. Look the other way, enjoy your picnic and have NO EXPECTATIONS. He WILL respond eventually. Try to remember that the MLCer is on their own timeline and we don't know what's in their heads so expecting him to behave as a non-MLCer will only bring disappointment. Not sure if that makes sense. You know what I mean!
thanks so much for your thoughtful and loving post to me today!!!
I think you are doing great. It doesn't sound like there is anything urgent about your financial situation (am I correct?) so until he brings it up again I would just wait for him to contact you. And obviously if he brings up selling the house you know that is probably going to take forrrreeevvahh.... to your benefit. Like OD said in the meantime focus on living your own beautiful, big, happy adventurous life and have lots of fun!!
It is curious why he discouraged you from splitting "his" expenses (the car), but sort of insisted on paying "your" expenses (the tv license). I wonder if it is guilt, or he is still trying to "provide" for you, or for some reason it is easier for him emotionally to keep things "status quo" with you financially instead of extricating himself financially from you? I had a dark thought that maybe it was his way of trying to control you or "keep" you. Or, not so dark, help him feel "safe". But all of this is really just CONJECTURE, and there's no way for us to figure it out, so, all we can do for the meantime is enjoy, like OD posted...
Hey Julia, I keep checking your thread and thinking of you. I was sooo wanting things to change/move earlier on in my thread, I have done an appalling job of detaching, until now..we forget that all of this can take ageeeeeess to pan out. Look at T.. she is doing amazing and there was a period of NC at all for 5 months I think. Things just move real slow.
I hope he answers soon.. I take Lisas point and yuo are doing a better job than me of looking the other way, but I for one am super curious to know how he will respond.
She told me that, as well as, staying M, might in a away make him feel safe. Strange way of looking at it, I know. Be the better person & keep detaching.
MsM, I've thought that a LOT about my stbxW. I've been the granite that she could always count on not to fool around, to always love her completely. In fact, as long as I did nothing, she wasn't going to change because she had the best of both worlds.
(((Julia))) sorry I've been away. I try and stay in touch out in RL, you've got mail.
I would definitely say based on the behavior you describe that your H is cake eating in a way. Even though he isn't communicative and isn't spending time with you, he still is drawing some identity from being married to you and in fact it may make his OW more exciting. Since he is married, he has a perfect excuse for putting off making any commitment to her.
