The part about OM moving back? I will frame it as something I must do, not WE must do. I'll state it that I have to move because if he moves back and they would work together I'd NEVER feel safe and that would make me smother her and I KNOW she doesn't want that. So I'll just say I have to do this move for ME, because I don't want to be the kind of person I WOULD be if we stayed here and OM came back.
I call "bullchit" on this one, H4U. If I'm your wife, I'm going to say some version of "OK, so don't do that." or "You have nothing to worry about," or "You need to get over that." I think it's perfectly reasonable (and necessary, btw) to say that "In order for our marriage to have a chance, it's imperative that you have NO further contact with him -- ever. There's no way to do that if he moves back here, and you work together. This has been WAY too painful for me, and we almost didn't make it you and I, and I simply can't go thru that again with him here."
And if she says "Why, don't you trust me?", you say "Frankly, not yet, not completely -- I'm learning to, but we have a long way to go, even WITHOUT outside interference."
