The other day it was looking at new TV's for the planned LR redecorating....wife will buy the first one she sees...I would like to do a little research and shopping around to get a nice one, and a good deal. I will try to be more cooperative than I have been in the past and not let my "paralysis from analysis" get the best of me.
Last night it was buying paint for the LR with the plan to get started this week.
Wife....paint-paint-paint..no reason we can't get in done quickly.
Me...patch-sand-mask-prep-prep-prep...I hate painting, but if I am going to do it, it's going to be perfect.
Work is slow, money is tight and the holidays are just around the corner...IMO, not the best time to start this kind of work, but if it will make her happy than I will put a lot of effort into making sure that the old me does not pop in for a visit.
She pretty much told me she doesn't believe I can get through it all without the drama...not her exact words, but I knew exactly what she meant.
Hey, I have been proving her wrong for 7 months now...how hard could this be??
Wife and I started on the living room redo last night when we got home from work.....just some initial prep work.
This brings up some things again that still don't make much sense to me in all this...so just here to vent a little.
Through the talk of new TV, new furniture, picking up paint and getting started on this, I am having a bit of an issue with all of this....not necessarily looking for input, but.....
A few times last night I really had to stop myself from making comments that could have opened up an R discussion...find my patience this week is not what it has been with her and the fact that she is planning all this work around the house, but refuses to give me a hint as to what the future holds for us.
I know...the hints come in actions not words and everyone, especially the AWA ladies have given me enough insight over the months on here to have some idea of what she may be thinking and going through...I get that...waiting, watching..testing and trying to keep me on my toes.
Maybe that's what this is all about right now...more subconscious tests for me to pass?
But really, after 7 months is it too much to ask, as we delve into a project like this, spending thousands of dollars and working together on it, for her to open the door just a crack?
So, I am left with assuming that this is a good sign. She wants to work on the "nest" and has for the most part included me....or is she cold, cruel and not the least bit concerned with what I am feeling or the fact she has allowed us to be so close all these months? She gets the house redecorated and I am here to help and contribute.
Which makes more sense? You know...sorry, but I could still go either way by the total lack of verbal communication about the situation.
To me, she is making some sweeping assumptions in her mind. The assumption that I am still completely on board with a separation and have accepted it, even though we are getting along and acting like a happily married couple and planning on redecorating the house...holidays together, guests at the house...we are the happy couple.
Or...the assumption that she does not have to say anything and I should know by her actions that she is "working on us".
I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone...and really, I am not trying to create drama in my head....but here is how I am looking at this today...good or bad.
I was supposed to have spent the last several months detaching from her, GAL and "moving on"....now in my sitch, that didn't happen. We have basically gone through the last several months getting closer and having a great time....but she still, when she feels it is needed, gives me a reminder that nothing has changed...still wants to separate.
So, in my mind, how close should I have let myself become...do I really want to forget that this could all come to a screeching halt tomorrow....per her reminders?
...and what if...as I am detaching and keeping in my mind that this just is too good to be true(her reminders), she is not being completely honest with me and is allowing herself to be drawn back in and is truly at a point where she thinks it will all work out?
What if I give up before she gives in? Where does that leave her? That right there tells me she is just assuming that I am going to be there, ready, willing and waiting, no matter how long it takes, if at all....or to her, it just doesn't matter at this point...she is still set on a separation and my thoughts and feelings are still not part of the equation.
Do you ever tell her that you love her? Or has that been stricken from your vocabulary due to DB'ing?
Maybe it's time to test the waters.
What's the worst that will happen? She could tell you once again that she still intends to separate.
It would hurt for sure, but really, been there done that.
You know that she was close to saying something significant a couple weeks ago. I'm sure you remember the conversation well. The one where she stopped herself and you reassured her that she didn't need to say anything she wasn't quite ready to say?
From the outside looking in, it is incredibly easy to tell you to continue to go with the flow and WAIT for the words to come naturally. But it's clear that you're finding it harder and harder to live in the uncertainty.
All I can think of is to tell you that you could try dipping your toes in the water and see what the response is.
I'm not sure that you can handle doing it without launching into a full blown relationship talk however. And in your current state, if you get a negative response, you may well let it all rip and come across to her as the old NDS. That is the danger I think.
I'll just leave you with these thoughts.
You have told us, many times, that your wife is one of the kindest and sweetest women that you know. You have told us that she is not capable of inflicting intentional harm on others, whether out of spite or just for general purpose.
So what makes you think your wife would be so cold as to involve you in these couple activities only to push you out the door at some point in the near future?
I know, I know. Your line is that she THINKS you are ok with the upcoming separation plan.
Do you really believe that?
Look for the inconsistencies in your thinking. Many of your worries are fear based. They exist because of the limbo-land that you see yourself to be living in.
So maybe it's time to tell her that you love her. With all your heart. Hell, go as far as seems appropriate given the mood and medium.
Not sure I've helped, but those are my thoughts.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Do you ever tell her that you love her? Or has that been stricken from your vocabulary due to DB'ing?
A couple of times over the months...slips of the tongue. Once I got a "I know you do", and the other was after we had been drinking and that was "You really do love me, don't you?"
It is on the tip of my tongue every time I am near her....more fear.
Quote:
Maybe it's time to test the waters.
What's the worst that will happen? She could tell you once again that she still intends to separate.
It would hurt for sure, but really, been there done that.
Probably not an option the way I have been feeling. The holidays, the work we are doing around the house now...to hear that she is not feeling any different right now would not make me want to try even harder. As easy as she has made this for me, it's not like I haven't tried...some days I just get so tired of walking that line.
If I am going to get hurt, it's going to be one more big hurt, not a bunch more little ones over the coming months...maybe I will know when the time is right to bring it up again, or maybe she will on her own, for good or bad.
Quote:
I'm not sure that you can handle doing it without launching into a full blown relationship talk however. And in your current state, if you get a negative response, you may well let it all rip and come across to her as the old NDS. That is the danger I think.
Yes...he has been close lately...guess that is where the venting is coming from. Going to try to find an outlet over the next few days, but even that will be harder now....committed to the work on the house now...can't just blow her off, and it will be trying my patience doing it and wondering in the back of my head about where we are going with it all.
Quote:
You have told us, many times, that your wife is one of the kindest and sweetest women that you know. You have told us that she is not capable of inflicting intentional harm on others, whether out of spite or just for general purpose.
So what makes you think your wife would be so cold as to involve you in these couple activities only to push you out the door at some point in the near future?
This is also the woman who told me when asked, for the year prior to the bomb if every thing was OK, told me yes.
Quote:
I know, I know. Your line is that she THINKS you are ok with the upcoming separation plan.
That bugs me...was it wrong to continually tell her when the subject came up.."I know..I am going to be fine..when we get things in order, I am out of your hair, don't worry." That always seemed to be exactly what she wanted to hear...not that I wanted to fight for the marriage, but that I was OK with it and I would be OK without her. Have I just convinced her of that?
Quote:
Not sure I've helped, but those are my thoughts.
You always help...this time though, I just don't think I can bring myself to following your advice and putting myself on the line.
And be careful Tim, you're working yourself up into a good case of being pissed off at your wife.
I know...in some ways I guess I already am...good read on that one.
Well, I have to go home and work on the living room.
Tim
Sooo...today I am trying to work on not being pissed off at my wife...Thanks, Bill.
You suggesting that maybe I test the waters a little and confront her with what I am feeling made me realize that maybe I am not really ready to hear the wrong answer right now.
Had a similar discussion with Smartcookie a few days ago, and I know at some point I need to take that chance, put myself out there and find out where we stand.
When the time and the mood is right, I will take the opportunity to make sure she is aware of my feelings and that I love her and want the marriage to work.
If that pushes her away again, then so be it. She can know that I will be OK with out her and that I will survive, but she also needs to know that I would much rather fight for us than give up. For the past 7 months I believe I have shown that through my actions, but when the chance arises, I am going to make sure she hears the words.
Right now, though, with the holidays and us working together on the house, I feel like I need to let her have her thoughts to herself and continue on this different path we started.
She continues to remain close to me and home. The evenings out with the girls and time away from home for her is rare, and we continue to ease back on our own excess....realizing together that we had been over spending, over indulging (maybe over compensating?) and I see her now wanting to get back on track. I want us to be able to have fun, enjoy ourselves, talk and communicate...knowing that it was not because we were partying or going out, or taking off for a crazy weekend.
Some of the roller coaster I am experiencing lately has something to do with that, and I think back to advice from you, FG and others early on in my sitch.
Although I know that the fun we have had over the months will not come to a complete screeching halt....I have to realize that with some normalcy(if that what it is), will come good and bad days. We can't party every day or go away every weekend and we won't end up in the bedroom ML and being crazy all the time. Those times are great, but it is time to see how this relationship functions in the real world.
But...I still have to show her that no matter what we do, or how mundane the times may be, I will be here for her and continue to treat her with respect and cherish the time we have together.
I see how hard it is to hide the frustration and impatience I have been feeling. Last weekend when we were out she told me I seemed annoyed with her. Yesterday, I found myself letting her text messages go unanswered, when in the past it did my heart good to know she was contacting me just to chat or say hello. Last night when we got home and got ready to work on the living room, I pulled her to me and gave her a hug....and she asked me what was wrong.
Have to remember that she feeds off me, just as much I do her and like FG has told me a hundred times...
If you feel it, we can sense it. I can sense it over the computer with H, when we chat. Over the phone when he's across the country, & when I'm in the same room.
Sometimes......... I wish I couldn't.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
If you feel it, we can sense it. I can sense it over the computer with H, when we chat. Over the phone when he's across the country, & when I'm in the same room.
Sometimes......... I wish I couldn't.
...and it works both ways. When she is feeling distant, or we have these nice close, great times and then pulls back, it makes it difficult for me to maintain my positive feelings towards her.
This last couple of weeks as we have calmed down from what appeared to be some sort of seven month "honeymoon period"(was that possible even though she insisted nothing had changed?), I find myself wondering if it is just her way of trying to introduce normalcy herself, or her realizing that she had been giving me the wrong idea and wants to pull back so I don't get too comfortable.
I understand her lack of trust and the fact that it may or may not ever come back, and that no matter how well things feel she may not let herself fall in love with me again.
But, lately, because so much time has passed, and things have been so good without any hint of a verbal commitment, I find myself not trusting her actions.....does that make sense?
I find myself still thinking that she is convinced I am OK with an eventual separation and that allows her to act as if it is OK to make plans for the house, act like all is well and go about our lives as if we are a happy couple...but in her head think.."He KNOWS what I want, I TOLD him nothing has changed, so it's his problem if he has the wrong idea".
Guess it comes down to me either staying the course, or speaking up and putting her on the spot.....aarrggggg....LOL
Hey, it has been almost 2 months now since the last reminder....that's a record so far.
