The next stage, maybe

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia! No news yet? I'm sorry you have to keep waiting.

The mortgage is in joint names so he is legally obliged to pay.

.. fair enough, that is true.

The bills I had considered offering to pay as he is not using any of the electricity etc. but that was before he moved into his flat with no discussion with me. If he had engaged with me I would have engaged back (and you can't say I haven't tried my hardest to engage him) but he didn't so in my view he can keep paying. When I said I had thought of taking on the bills to Jody she said 'bet your glad you didn't now', after me telling her about him moving in with ow. She is right; he needs to feel some consequences or at least keeping him paying may make him move out of this holding pattern eventually.

...Julia, I am really not sure about this. I dont think that making your ex pay half your bills still is the best way to win him back..? and if you look into your heart, do you really think its 'fair' to still make him pay half your electric after you have been separated a while? (and its not that much is it, can you afford it?).

I know you say he ought to, consequences, he should have talked to you, etc.. but two wrongs dont make a right? How does getting him to pay your electric make him see you in a good light? If I were him, I'd feel a little ticked off about it, but you want to aim to REDUCE negativity right now? Maybe it would be a friendly gesture of goodwill if you just paid your own electric and stopped asking him for half (ditto any other bills)?

I really hope you dont take this the wrong way, I am just REALLY trying to help here.. but I dont see how it would help your cause? You say he has to feel the consequences of his actions.. but thats about emotions and choice, having to pay half your bills isnt likely to make him feel he has made a mistake??

What do you think? Its not like there are children to support. My ex left me with no job and a mass of debts and an empty unsold flat I had to pay the mortgage on (neverlone the rent on our house). He didnt offer me a penny. He did dump £2000 in the joint account at Christmas without telling me and that paid half his rent for Nov-Feb, but I never expected him to pay half the bills once he had left.

The one exception for you would be.. buildings insurance - as the house IS his responsibility and that is totally his domain and fair enough he pays half of that bill (ditto my ex).

Plus, you want to show him (as Jody told me) that you are a strong, positive woman, capable of managing your own life, do not present a devastated, needy person just because he left you. I just think it would help your cause if you support yourself (ok, not the mortgage, fair do's) and let him know you can do that.

I'm rambling !! I think that these things are all kind of minor details really and there is so much more complex stuff going on than these incidentals, dont you think? And I am really sorry that he hasnt replied yet, I dont know about you, but I am finding that quite frustratign !!!!

And I am not surprised you are angry, and as someone who has a hard time accessing her anger, I applaud you for that. Its good to have anger and fight in you and it means you wont turn it in on yourslef and get depressed hopefully (as I did).

Thinking of you and sending you a big hug,
Ali xxx