Maybe I should be in piecing part 3?

[Hope4us]

Read TryingMyBest/DoingMyBest's old threads. His wife also had an enabling GF, that was transferring messages between the adulterous couple and much more.

Many, perhaps even MOST, affairs have one or more major enablers in the picture somewhere.

Puppy

Oh, I know Pup. W's EGF is a huge block in us going further in our relationship I'm pretty sure. EGF is 25, been married and divorced twice, both marriages lasting 1 year. I've seen TM's between them where EGF calls me "animal" and encourages W to do what makes her happy, the hell with everyone else. So my task has been to show W WE can be happy if she'd just let go of the A and talk to me about the issues that led to the A, but so far, I've only been successful showing W that I'm not such an "animal" after all.

I'm hoping the rest will come.

[Hope4us]

Hey, what's everyone think about my idea to have some flowers for her in the room when we check in Friday morning?

Do you think she'll think I'm just trying to soften the blow or will she see them as a nice gesture?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think she will see them as a man's attempt at "vacation sex," but it certainly can't hurt!!!

Puppy

[whatdidido]

lol puppy

DOes she like flowers? She never seems to say much......

[Hope4us]

Not my intent, but if it helps get there, then I'm all for it.

I'm just going to get a nice flower arrangement. No roses or anything that could be thought of as romantic. Don't want to go that pressure route, but just something nice.

[breakaway]

I just need to be careful how I frame this. I'm not sure if I'll connect the poor performance to the Affair, she'll surely be able to figure that out on her own, but if she says anything about not wanting to move, I'll definitely restate my comments about OM moving back here and that I can't live here with him in the area. Whether she moves with us is up to her, but I CAN'T not move.

I think you do need to be careful how you frame it. The way you talk about it in this paragraph is pretty good...You need to do what you need to do to heal from this situation and move on with some degree of sanity.

Yes, these are consequences of "what she did." But they are also consequences of the marriage breaking down...sad consequences. I would say be careful of having it come down to, verbally I mean, that the family has to move and it's all her fault. She's ruined your job (and life presumably) and now you have to move. Even if you feel that's true... I think you have to walk a fine line here. Only because if she feels like okay, I've ruined it...they think it's all my fault, maybe it is...what's the point anymore...

I don't know if I'm making any sense...I'm having a hard time articulating what I mean here.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah, I think it's that sense of "hopelessness" that I talk about frequently that you want to avoid. The trick is to convey "consequences" without conveying total "hopelessness."

[Hope4us]

Thanks Break, Pup.

I understand what you guys are saying. And that's part of the reason I don't want to get into the poor job performance thing with her. She can figure it out. I suspect that's why she was quiet last night. Thinking of the ramifications of the A.

The part about OM moving back? I will frame it as something I must do, not WE must do. I'll state it that I have to move because if he moves back and they would work together I'd NEVER feel safe and that would make me smother her and I KNOW she doesn't want that. So I'll just say I have to do this move for ME, because I don't want to be the kind of person I WOULD be if we stayed here and OM came back. I'll tell her I KNOW we could have a great marriage if we could discuss the things in the marriage that were contributing factors to her A, but without her help in identifying those things, how can we move forward like we both seem to want to?

I do want to just say that maybe I've been painting a bad picture of the evening. It wasn't bad. It obviously wasn't as light hearted and filled with laughs as the previous month or so has been. But W's old boss called and she sat there laughing on the phone with him and she did give me a warm goodnight and was fine this morning.

No IM's so far today though. Might have to drop her one and see how her day is going before she goes to training for the afternoon for her temp assignment.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The part about OM moving back? I will frame it as something I must do, not WE must do. I'll state it that I have to move because if he moves back and they would work together I'd NEVER feel safe and that would make me smother her and I KNOW she doesn't want that. So I'll just say I have to do this move for ME, because I don't want to be the kind of person I WOULD be if we stayed here and OM came back.

I call "bullchit" on this one, H4U. If I'm your wife, I'm going to say some version of "OK, so don't do that." or "You have nothing to worry about," or "You need to get over that." I think it's perfectly reasonable (and necessary, btw) to say that "In order for our marriage to have a chance, it's imperative that you have NO further contact with him -- ever. There's no way to do that if he moves back here, and you work together. This has been WAY too painful for me, and we almost didn't make it you and I, and I simply can't go thru that again with him here."

And if she says "Why, don't you trust me?", you say "Frankly, not yet, not completely -- I'm learning to, but we have a long way to go, even WITHOUT outside interference."

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup. I'm not sure I agree with you calling bullchit on it or not. I guess I was trying to convey that I am moving with or without her. She can say I have nothing to worry about all she likes, but she's just fooling herself if she says that.

I've tried that "you can never have contact with him again" route and she just saw that as me controlling her. She isn't as smart as the people on this board that know that NC is the only way we'll ever have a chance. So I guess I was just trying to get her to see that us moving was something I had to do and if she doesn't want to play along, so be it. I thought it would be better if she saw us moving as something that I had to do, not something that I was ordering her to do.

It's probably a moot point anyway. Last night she said she'd move although she didn't want to. The timing is just the question. And if she stays after S16 and I go to complete her temp assignment and then balks at coming to join us, so be it. If we decide that they stay until S16 finishes the school year and then she balks at moving, S16 will move with me and then she can do what she wants with her life.

In a way I think if she stays, either with or without S16 staying, it will be a good thing. She can live by herself during the week and see how it is and I would come home on the weekends. If she decides she likes it alone, then at least the decision is made and I can get on with life.

I'll take your thoughts into consideration.