Nope its BOTH your responsibilities to find a solution. Here is a golden opportunity for you to show her the new you. She may be the one changing the agreement but they are your kids also and things come up all the time that change the best laid plans. Work with her on this not for her but for your kids.
She probably already has some ideas. Take some time and formulate your own and take the high road on this. If this was about anything other than the kids I would agree with you that she needs to figure it out on her own. Get your PMA up and suppress all other feelings and emotions and you both will find a solution.
I need to start reading this advice, heeding it & living it.
Damn it K, THINK before you DO!!!!!
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Come home from HOA annual meeting - I have served on board for 2 yrs & had to give up my seat - no rerun - since I do not know if I am going to be able to keep my house. D2 comes outside to greet me, I smile, pick her up & bring her in house. W looks exhausted, says hi - hi. Walk past her & go to say hi to S4 - no kisses dad - so he gets pat on head. Walk back into kitchen, empty pockets in usual place, walk to my bedroom to take off shoes & socks, back to kitchen to go through mail & put lunchbox away. W asks if I want to talk about anything - I say I don't have anything to talk about. W just glares at me. I ask w if there was something she wanted to talk about - No! W says obviously something bothering me & that we will talk in the morning. I say I am just upset because I had to give up doing something tonight that I enjoy doing...not that you would care about that. W storms over to S4 to give him kiss bye & says she will see him in morning. W phone rings & I can tell by ringtone it is OM. W silences phone.
I walk out into computer room to read my mail. W shouts from doorway she is leaving. Bye. W says bye to D2 & walks out into garage. I mutter something like "have to leave to answer call from your f$#king boyfriend" W hadn't closed door to garage & heard me. Says that she thought we agreed not to say stuff in front of kids. I say that I didn't realize you were still here. She opens garage door & scream "I didn't answer the phone!" I say you could have put it on silent. She gets in her car & drives off.
Yes, it sucks that you have to give up your seat on the HOA but you need to stop being controlled by your emotions. Did this interaction help your sitch at all? Did it do you or her any good? How does coming through the door like a hurricane and sending off bad vibes help your sitch? I’m confused did we not just go over this stuff on Monday?
I know you are hurting on the inside. I know your chest feels like it is being squeezed in a press and I know you are lost and confused about what to do and how to act. Well let me ask you one question. Was the way you acted yesterday when you got home something you are proud of, does it fit the new you and if you could do it again would you do something different? I hope the answer is NO, No Yes.
Being civil to your W and treating her with respect is not being a fool, its being the better person. Unfortunately for us LBS we have to carry a huge weight on our shoulders and bare the brunt of the hurt and pain. You need to detach yourself from this woman for your sake. Its eating you up inside and it is not allowing you to control these bad impulses.
Your not doing any of this for her. Being nice to her is not to make her feel better or make it seem like your fine with her choices. Its so you can stop hurting, stop getting so emotional and start living again. Take some time over the next couple of days and look at yourself. figure out what YOU want, what YOU want to do and who YOU want to be. Picture yourself in the future and then set your goals to meet that picture. It does not matter if you are M or single it should make no difference that person should be the same either way.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
W calls back 10 min later asking me why I have to do that - Do what? Why do I have to get a dig in? I say that I was just expressing my feelings and that I am tired of having them put back in my face or feeling that I have to defend myself. W says that I could have just said what I said without the dig - how did I expect her to react when I said what I said? Told her she was right - bad behavior on my part & apologized. She said she wasn't feeling well & would talk to me in am. Bye.
Yes, why do you have to do this. SHUT UP!!!! You make the OM look better and better each time you act like a jerk.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
I tried to call w 15 mins later but no answer. W calls back 20 mins later. Asked her if she wanted to talk since I knew she had something to talk about. W says that she doesn't know how receptive I am going to be to what she wanted to talk about. I tell w that I was sorry for what transpired earlier. Past behavior of mine was to express my hurt but then have to also hurt the person back for hurting me. W said thanks for apologizing.
W then said that she could get a 9-5 job, put kids in daycare but that most of the money she would make would be put towards those costs so didn't see any benefit to doing that. You agree with that? Uh huh.
W then says that a previous client had asked her if she would be willing to watch her 2 kids again full time since mother wanted to go back to work. W told mother that she had a job where she was on call so she might not be able to but wanted to get her schedule at work set to where she only worked nights.
W then says that she could watch our kids + these other 2 at the house. W says that she would give me some money towards my bills for allowing her to watch the kids at the house. She would make them bring their own food so they wouldn't eat any of mine. W wouldn't eat any of mine. I told w I never said I had any problem with her eating any of the food in the house. W then said that she felt it would benefit her, me & the kids if she could do this again. Uh huh.
I asked her if I could ask a few questions - sure. Why would you want to watch kids again? I need money - I am broke. I have no money K. I cannot live on a job making $40 a week. I cannot make a car payment. I didn't buy a new car just to have it get repossessed.
Ok. I understand. Another question - back in July you said how you felt trapped in the house doing daycare, how you wanted to be able to take kids places or to gymnastics like other moms did. If you do daycare again you do not get any sick days or vacation to be able to do those activities with the kids. W said all she can do now is take kids to park - cannot afford to do those other things. And if she doesn't start making money she will not have a car to even take them to the park.
Ask w only other question is one of liability. What am I risking if I allow you to run your business again out of the house? I do not want to put myself in jeopardy. W says I don't know. I don't have an answer for that. Forget it. I will just get a 9-5 job.
I say that I did not say yes or no, just that I need to get this question answered first. In past you had insurance that protected us from liability. I just want to see if that would still be viable given our current situation. W said she didn't know. I asked her if she could find out. She said ok.
I then say that I may have more questions if that was alright since I needed some time to think about this. She said fine, she was tired. She thanked me for listening & goodnight.
Ever see “Hunt for Red October” one of the actors in it said “A Russian does not take a sh** without a plan.” Women are the same way. They think things through before they do something. That is how I knew she already had some ideas and that you should formulate your own. She was trying to co-parent and make money at the same time and what do you do. You waste hours of both your time and hers. You cause unnecessary conflict and drama and you blew another chance to show her your best side.
Then after all that BS, you get to the real reason for her coming over and start to work together. Good job listening and asking relative questions on your part. Help her with the insurance and see if you can make this happen for her. Remember its all about the kids so shelf those digs and off hand comments and keep them where they belong, in your head. Or better yet stop thinking them all together. DETACH, DETACH, DETACH.
Originally Posted By: Kakatal
Hard to convey how distraught w is right now. Her voice was cracking when talking about how broke she is. Did my best to just listen, do some uh huhs & let her talk.
Advice on how to proceed???
Listen to her, be her friend but don’t solve her problems. She created them let her solve them but be companionate and understanding. She is hurting, confused, guilty, stressed and torn between fantasy and reality. Read and then reread SmartCookies post over and over again. You are the better choice but only if you change your habit of doing without thinking and allowing your emotions to control your actions. Anger and hurt are the worst feeling to allow to control you. You will feel guilty afterwards and pissed at yourself for doing it. I have been there and done it just as you have and it gets you nowhere fast.
Chin up and move on from here. What is done is done and dwelling on it will not change it. But learning from it will help you to not do it again.
Again, have a great week, tell yourself this is going to be a great week then make it a great week.
