Maybe I should be in piecing part 3?

[whatdidido]

Does she realize that you are only moving because of the affair?

And, why is the affair causing you to move again? I guess I'm not getting something I should be understanding here.

I could see her getting upset about moving just because she was about to get a new assignment at work, right? A "move up"? Plus, keeping your son consistent with his school for the year.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,

Help me understand how this "you should take this" move wouldn't have been offered by your boss if your wife hadn't had the affair. I missed something.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Ah guys, I knew when I re-read what I'd wrote that someone would question me.

Two reasons her affair is the reason for us having to move.

First, OMW told me a while ago that OM thought he might be moving back to work at the Refinery W works at, probably a year or so from now. There is NO WAY IN H3LL I COULD EVER STAY HERE WITH HER AND HIM WORKING TOGETHER AGAIN. Everytime she went anywhere without me, I'd be a wreck and in turn would drive her crazy with my constantly checking up on her.

Second, My boss is not happy with my performance. I have a job with quite a bit of responsibility and prior to my finding out about her affair, everything was fine job wise. But the last year and a half, my performance has slipped. I see it, my boss see's it. He's very understanding of the sitch, but really needs someone on their A game in my position. And with the sitch, as everyone here probably knows, I just can't concentrate and hence my performance has slipped. He wants to get me back to the home office where I'm more comfortable and thinks I'll be able to get my performance back to the high level both myself and my company expects of me.

does that make sense?

[whatdidido]

Ok, so does your wife know all this or does she think that this move is just what your job is making you do?

[Hope4us]

She knows the move is because my boss isn't happy with my performance. I told her that last night. I didn't connect the dots for her, but how could she not see?

Second, Back in July when the subject of us moving back first came up I told her plainly, "If our marriage makes it, we HAVE to move because there is no way I would be able to live here if OM came back to work at the Refinery like OMW says he might". W said, "I don't know anything about that". I replied "I'm sorry, but I just don't trust that you don't know anything about that. Given what's gone on, try to see it from my point of view, that to me this could just be another step in your plan to 'act like' you're trying for the kids, OM comes back in a year or so and you file for D saying 'see kids, I tried but it just didn't work, but see how happy OM makes me'" and she just looked at me and said again "I don't know anything about that".

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ah guys, I knew when I re-read what I'd wrote that someone would question me.

Two reasons her affair is the reason for us having to move.

First, OMW told me a while ago that OM thought he might be moving back to work at the Refinery W works at, probably a year or so from now. There is NO WAY IN H3LL I COULD EVER STAY HERE WITH HER AND HIM WORKING TOGETHER AGAIN. Everytime she went anywhere without me, I'd be a wreck and in turn would drive her crazy with my constantly checking up on her.

Second, My boss is not happy with my performance. I have a job with quite a bit of responsibility and prior to my finding out about her affair, everything was fine job wise. But the last year and a half, my performance has slipped. I see it, my boss see's it. He's very understanding of the sitch, but really needs someone on their A game in my position. And with the sitch, as everyone here probably knows, I just can't concentrate and hence my performance has slipped. He wants to get me back to the home office where I'm more comfortable and thinks I'll be able to get my performance back to the high level both myself and my company expects of me.

does that make sense?

Yes, it does, and I do think you should tell her this. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions, and the stakes at play here.

Puppy

[whatdidido]

Yep, you think she remembers you said this, etc. I don't think she does. When you move and are living elsewhere, this will eventually be talked about. Better to get it out on the table now before you move so she knows the reason clear as day.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup. I'm sure it will come up in conversation. W was pretty stunned last night when I told her my boss was not pleased with my performance.

I've been one of the highest rated performers in my positions the last 6-8 years, so this was a stunner. I know I deserve it, but WOW, I didn't think it was that bad. But I can see his side of it. Plus I've told him I thought it would be good to get US back to our hometown and REAL friends and family.

One added bonus of the move is, EGF will be out of the picture.

I was reading on another thread a week or so ago that there was an EGF who was filling the W's head with all sorts of "he'll never change" and "you're a fool if you try with him" kinds of talks. I see W's EGF doing that. Could be why when we're away or on the weekends W is different. Doesn't have EGF filling her up with the EGF b.s.

I just need to be careful how I frame this. I'm not sure if I'll connect the poor performance to the Affair, she'll surely be able to figure that out on her own, but if she says anything about not wanting to move, I'll definitely restate my comments about OM moving back here and that I can't live here with him in the area. Whether she moves with us is up to her, but I CAN'T not move.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Read TryingMyBest/DoingMyBest's old threads. His wife also had an enabling GF, that was transferring messages between the adulterous couple and much more.

Many, perhaps even MOST, affairs have one or more major enablers in the picture somewhere.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Yep, you think she remembers you said this, etc. I don't think she does. When you move and are living elsewhere, this will eventually be talked about. Better to get it out on the table now before you move so she knows the reason clear as day.

Ok WDID, I like how you keep me honest about assumptions. Like I said to Pup, the part about OM moving back will come up. Just need the timing to be correct.

I just sent my boss an email asking about the timing, etc as it will have an impact on S16 moving mid year or at the end of the year. Last night W tried to tell S16 it was best if they waited until the end of the year and he wasn't bitin'. He said, "you didn't worry about that when we moved over here. It was in between 1st and 2nd quarter. Moving at the end of the first semester wouldn't be a big deal". And W just looked at him.

I think she's nervous about moving because she knows that some people in the home office know of the sitch. My boss and two very close friends were the only one's that I told, but people figure stuff out when they ask how you're doing and you tell them you're having marital problems. She thinks that EGF is the only one that knows at the Refinery, but I would bet quite a bit that words got around. POS's like OM don't keep their mouths shut when they're "scoring" with a good looking woman.