I've been thinking a lot lately that this situation may suck for us but at the same time, it gives us time to grow and learn in ways that we probably would not have otherwise. I know that I have become stronger, more confident and more mature since this happened. I'm also almost debt free and better financially. I wonder if it hadn't happened, if I would still be the same person I was 2 years ago.
I feel the same way. The dynamic between us was hurting both of us.
This morning W wasn't very talkative when she came by for the morning routine with the girls.
A little later this morning she called to ask if she could come by and work on her brochure and business cards so she could get a part time job at a chiropractors. I said 'sure' and she came by.
Of course she needed help printing and other stuff so I was pleasant and helped her. All in all a nice interaction.
Not much to add frank. I like your thread now. You sound at peace. Expect some bad rollercoaster days. They get less frequent over time and last shorter.
As previously, Strength and Honor. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Saw my counselor today. She said something interesting. She said that if there was ever any possibility of us having a real marriage it's now that W has seen life from the other side of the front door.
It's forcing her to grow up, and it's helped me to get to a place where I'm not going back and forth between logic and emotion. She said I'm able to love her from a distance and not let her actions affect my ego.
In other words, no longer living the 'role' as caretaker and codependent.
She is hard pressed to believe that W will figure this out on her own, but she said that the two most important skills that were missing from our relationship were:
- Confronting problems with the other person, working together to solve them.
- Communicating as adults, instead of the caretaker dynamics.
And, she said, maybe I can lead by example and she'll see what needs to be done. Or maybe she never will.
This morning W was looking online for Christmas presents for the girls. I mentioned that she has credit on the card I paid for her and she got snippy about not wanting to use that.
I said 'ok, I didn't mean anything, I was just reminding you. You're being snippy'
She had her back to me and didn't say anything so I asked her if I offended her. She ws crying and said that ' I just have trouble accepting help from people, even though I know I NEED it.'
So I said 'ok, I'm sorry I won't offer to help you any more if that's what you want'.
She says 'No, it's not just you, it's anyone who tries to help me.'
I said, 'ok' and left the room.
My counselor said 'I think she's conflicted because the man who swore to love her is helping her while she's hurting him by saying "I'm leaving you"'
This morning W was looking online for Christmas presents for the girls. I mentioned that she has credit on the card I paid for her and she got snippy about not wanting to use that.
I said 'ok, I didn't mean anything, I was just reminding you. You're being snippy'
She had her back to me and didn't say anything so I asked her if I offended her. She ws crying and said that ' I just have trouble accepting help from people, even though I know I NEED it.'
So I said 'ok, I'm sorry I won't offer to help you any more if that's what you want'.
She says 'No, it's not just you, it's anyone who tries to help me.'
WHAT?!?!?!
Sorry Frank but I'm gonna have to throw up the bullsh*t flag on that statement your wife made.
Simply put, she's full of crap.
That woman hasn't had one iota of a problem with people "helping" her. She has been taken care of by you her whole marriage. The people she "works" for basically take her on friggin vacations and she gives them a few hours of her time in return. She lives with someone and can't possibly contribute much.
SHE'S BEEN A TAKER HER WHOLE LIFE.
It takes one to know one, my friend. I was the same way.
Before.
And I can almost guarantee you she isn't having a problem "taking" now, either.
The problem she is having is that SHE doesn't have jack sh*t and Christmas is right around the corner.
Oh, I remember well that first Christmas after Jeff and I first separated. I was tore up over it. But not motivated enough yet to get off MY ass and change MY life and MY contribution to MY family.
She's on her pity pot.
And she damn well knows you will handle the MAJORITY of Christmas.
As always.
And she will seethe over it inside, though she may not recognize the emotion for what it is at the time - the feeling of worthlessness. More than likely she will react angrily towards YOU. That's the nature of the beast. For a season.
But with any luck, she'll jump up and grab herself a clue afterwards.
It took a couple more Christmases for me though.
Of course, I'm a stubborn one and was filled to overflowing with foolish pride. I don't see too much of that in your wife yet. Let her get a halfway decent job, though. And you'll see it too.
Just remember, pride goeth before destruction and a haughty spirit before the fall.
That I can promise you.
Because making money isn't ever going to fill the void your wife has in her life.
Hi Frank...you don't know me...but, I've been here all along...and these words from Amy C. describe my H at this time...H has been out of the house for 3 Christmas...and each year I ignore him and take care of it myself.. and I think Amy C's insight is exactly what my H goes through...just change 'she' to 'he'
(Thanks, Amy c...you've reminded me of my own insights from the past... last year at this time. I'm so wrapped up in other junk, that I forgot.)
Quote:
She's on her pity pot.
And she damn well knows you will handle the MAJORITY of Christmas.
As always.
And she will seethe over it inside, though she may not recognize the emotion for what it is at the time - the feeling of worthlessness. More than likely she will react angrily towards YOU. That's the nature of the beast. For a season.
One of the huge factors that caused my H to get into the MLC pit...or whatever it is...is his feelings of worthlessness...
Sorry, Frank., I know I'm not contributing much...other than our stories are alike...it seems I have few years on you...MLC wise, that is
Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer H moved out 4/06
7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly 10/30/08 H signed D papers 11/10/08 D papers filed 11/13/08 D papers served at home
