Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[Jayce]

Hey, Diane..actually the dog remark was a joke. The kind that make other people laugh, but not me. Meanwhile, more drama this past week. H's breathing test was OK, but chest x-ray showed little thingies in his lungs along w/an enlarged lymph node. Dr. ordered a CT scan which is this Friday. I got the chest x-ray they did when he had his heart attack in '01 from hosp. records dept.so they can compare them. (Why am I the one doing these errands?Hmmm?)the little thingies showed up then also. He worked in a plant where there was graphite everywhere including the air. No masks, etc. back then-early 70's. He seemed unconcerned about lymph node & needing the CT scan. (WTF?!?!?!)

He had Fri off. He cleaned garage in a.m., I had to pick up a prescrip. He went to deli for beer & was surprised I was still here when he got back. I was waiting for the hosp. lady to call back about picking up the x-ray. Heard odd noise in garage & plastic bag rattling when he opened the door. Hmmm. I left as soon as she called back & took a quick look where I heard the noise before I backed the truck out. Lie, cheat & sneak! Cigars stashed in convenient little hidey hole! Didn't say anything cuz didn't want to spoil the weekend. Went to artist's show & dinner in evening.

Sat. went to stable. His plan was to check the snowblower, start it up, clean lawnmower, stash it. I knew he'd be puffing away as soon as I left. Got home, he was napping. I started laundry, put stuff away, fed the pets. Waited for him to wake up. Left the half-smoked cig. in the hiding place. He finally woke up & I started dinner. Asked him if he enjoyed his afternoon tinkering around. Mentioned the cig. Said I'm not as stupid as he thinks. Told him why the CT scan. Not yelling or anything. He was silent. Later yelled at me cuz he didn't like the veg's I made. Really yelled. So much for dinner. Continued yelling about Dr is a quack. Was fine till I made him go there. Wants to throw CPAP away. Not in any pain, so nothing could be wrong. Told him if he had pain it'd be too late to fix whatever's wrong. Took stomach med. I think I'm about to get my ulcer back after 23 yrs.

Didn't sleep well either Fri or Sat. Wrote him a 2 pg note Sat nite, left it on the kitchen counter. Went to church Sun. He's always asking me if I'm going.....why? so he can sit outside & have his cig while I'm gone. Too cold to do that now! Took jeans, boots, etc. & went directly to stable from church. Came home around 3. "Where were you??" (What do you care??) Guy from church dropped off pledge card so he figured I hadn't been at church. Well, where was he worried I went? If he wasn't so big on nasty tantrums he wouldn't have to worry, right? As usual, since I was gone, hadn't talked & was obviously not going to, he was very quiet, then started being nice. AAAAAAGGHHHH!

Made dinner, set the table w/cloth, good china, candles, cloth napkins. He's "What's all this for?" "Cuz this is how genteel polite people dine". Turned off the damn TV ("so we can make polite dinner conversation"), put music on. He actually attempted conversation, sat till I was finished & politely cleared the table. He's usually done before I am & leaves the table, goes back to TV. A demonstrated message that evidently got thru. No apology for the smoking lie, nor the Sat. dinner tantrum.

He hooked up the CPAP so I could try sleeping w/it. AHA! 3 problems I can see. Things to work out w/lady who comes tom'w a.m. He tried it again last nite, made it about 4 hrs. Says he'll try it again tonite. Why the turnaround? I think he's genuinely worried for my health. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde again. I told him I just can't sleep when he's making so much noise. Hated it when he was on 3rd shift, but, boy, did I sleep well during those weeks! He can conk out in less than 30 seconds. Too bad my knees are junk or I could start running again & be so whacked all the time I'd fall asleep before he does LOL.

So now he's home, wants to sit with me, have his after work snack & wine. Wonder if he'll ever say anything about the smoking lies. I know he's always relied on nicotine & alcohol to relax since he's has anxiety & describes himself as nervous. I realize he's afraid to stop for that reason. Does he? Asked that in the Sat. nite note, but no answer. Counseling is out of the question for him, too. Why are our guys so averse to confronting their demons & resolving things so they could have some peace of mind. S t u b b o r nnnnnnnnnn or scared, which is it?

Another turnaround of sorts, he's back to reading, at least yesterday. I think he was skimming some of it since he did 70 pages. Didn't pick it up again today.

Did you write your letter to your H yet? Its hard to sift it down to a short list isn't it? I've always ended up scrapping the first one & starting over, cutting stuff out. He's not going to say much about it either way, but I do get to finish the sentences w/out getting interrupted or argued with! Too bad he doesn't realize that might work for him, too.

Hang tough.
J