{{{Beth}}} As hard as it is, and easier said than done, you CAN'T let it crush you..in all honesty, none of us can emotionally reach our spouses or we probably wouldn't be here right now..
Unfortunately, like Tech said you HAVE to let them walk/fall/crash if that's the rate they are going..someone gave a good analogy I read a bit ago on here that said, just like when kids are learning to walk/crawl for the first time, you'd like to protect them, you stand back to make sure they are ok, but you let them FALL sometimes because that's how they learn..if you held onto the little baby and never let them try, they would be 18 and still unable to walk *LOL* you know what I mean
It is NOT necessarily easy, esp because you love him and want to help him and see the best for him, of COURSE you do..I pray constantly not to let my husband fall too far..because, unfortunately due to their choices, fall a bit they will..and we can't do anything about it except choose what is best for US right now so, if and when they need us, we are a whole person able to help
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Beth I like that brief anger.... Let them all out.... Our WAS are like kids. They are on their own adventures. Like T said, tough love will be good for them. They will not learn until they fall. Like you said before...focus on yourself.... You are a strong woman....!!!
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Thanks. I am starting to calm down a bit now. I have been reading posts on the MLC board trying to learn.
I am realizing that nothing in the outside situation has changed - only the amount of information I had has changed. The new information brought me new bad feelings but nothing has really changed.
I need to keep focused on me and making my life better and better. Like each of you (including Kelaaron and Techguy) has said, this is about me and how I take care of me. Cannot be there for H if he ever asks if I have fallen to pieces with him.
So, I am looking for inspirational stories on the MLC board trying to show myself that it can get better.
I have been up and down and up and down a lot today. It is not because I am riding H's rollercoaster. It is because I am coming to terms with loving someone who is clearly not well and accepting that I cannot help him.
Acceptance is a funny thing - it's a gut thing, but so is fear. So the two play off of each other in a not so nice way. My mind knows I cannot help H and have to let him spiral downward. Then, I move in for a gut check, to see if I am really accepting that and then BOOM fear - what if H is suicidal? if it's depression, men with depression have the highest suicide rate! his behavior has been so aberrant, what if he has bipolar disorder? what if it's drugs? what if it's a brain tumor? Then back to the brain, "H pushed you out, does not want your help." "nothing you can do about it.""got to let it go."
I think I just have to live with the fear in my gut for a while (a couple of days)to let the acceptance sink into to the gut and crowd out the fear.
In the meantime, as if you all did not guess this already... here come the tears and yes, A, the snot running down my neck.
First and foremost, if you have definitive proof that he's a danger to himself or others, then by all means intervene. However, it appears there's a fair amount of rationalization on your part over scant information. He's not totally defenseless in all of this...he can stop...he can say no...he can choose to do something different...
Right now I think he's in denial about everything. Like my W, he appears to blame others for his discontent, and the porcelain is finally starting to crack. No one can help him until he holds himself accountable, but there's nothing you can do to facilitate that...his ego is much to strong at the moment to allow it. Sooner rather than later, he'll fall from grace into a pit of despair...
...but that's where you should start pouring some of that PMA you cached away. Keep pouring slowly into that pit until he's buoyed high enough to pull himself out.
I would surmise that's a lot of PMA, so read/re-read the section about depressed spouses in DB and DR, GAL like crazy, and detach. The more you give yourself, the more you'll have to offer to your H.
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
You are quickly becoming my life raft in stormy waters, you know that?
You are also right about my applying lots of rationalizatons to scant information. I was just saying to my mom on the phone that I have got to focus on keeping my strength and building it more and more so when H finally crashes and lets me in, I will have the strength to help.
Plus, if I stop let emotions guide my thoughts, I can see that he is slowily trusting me with his honest feelings - he has stopped telling me how happy is is that he left me and started telling me he is not doing well. So the DBing works. It works on him but more importantly, it works for me.
Time to have a relaxing evening because tomorrow, I will be visiting Ryan Hoover's extreme Karate to learn about Krav Maga classes.
Thanks for the support and the advice as always, you help me so much.
Ok, yes he can stop. My H stopped his MLC, twice now. Once because he just did and the second time because we thought I was going to die. We always end up back here. I want it to end so I hope he follows it through this time. This really is the final for me.
But onto helpful stories over there. ImLin has a beautiful and inspirational story. I think she changed her name at one point but you get most of it. Also yellowroses story is helpful. Search their names and go back a few years to find them.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Thanks for your advice. I have tried to search these names but the posts only go back to Feb. 2008 so I cannot see the start of the stories, which is where I am.
My state bar has an assistance program for attorneys with substance abuse and mental health issues. It is completely confidential for the attorney with the problem and the person reporting the attorney.
The program is preventative in nature and would not involve any disciplinary action. Further, if the people in the program think the attorney has a problem, even if the attorney does not, they can require him to seek some treatment.
Just something I am considering. I know you all have been telling me I cannot fix H. The only involvement I would have would be to make the phone call, then, they exclude me.
Beth What's your gut feeling tell you? Do you think your H will suspect you make the call? Or he will think his boss or other friends make the call..??
I know you are in a tough spot. Your hands are tired. Don't make the call until you really think it through... You can do this.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
