Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

Hi...it's me...I survived the day and met my lawyer. Whew...

Before I say anything...my H gave the most warmth and admiration last Sunday. (After a week of me not responding...)

anyway...my L said that the way the papers were filed, how they were served and the wording in them that this H is not in any hurry.

That it implies that H just wanted to get the ball rolling for whatever reason...and since the timing doesn't quite fit...it could be an irrational mood, his buttons were pushed, the papers were with his L...and H just made the call to 'serve her'...after I didn't have any money to help him out.

Or...of course there's the possibility that he wants to move on with a possible OW, but the lack of urgency and no time limit set on me doesn't indicate that...so, my L says.

So...I have to file an answer...

Now...I am not sure whether to continue my 'as if'...ban him from the house (he'd say away 'cause he avoid confrontation at all costs)

My L and talked about how mediation would fit in...but, to always bring any sort of agreement made in mediation to him to review.

My head is spinning....I feel like a beaten rag.

I haven't talked to H about any of this...NO WAY!!!

If either of the two of us is devious...it would be me!

One huge thing that is bugging the HECK out of me is where did H get the money for a retainer?

Maybe the parents, but I seriously doubt it. They would provide money for a retainer if H was in trouble because of something I did, or if I was a threat to him. MIL has been planning a christmas trip for me and the kids and H if he wanted to go....I wouldn't be surprise if they know nothing yet.

I know I can't waste my mind figuring that out...and I'll get over it shortly...but, it's all so raw today.

Thanks for listening....I feel comfortable with the law side of this...I wish a counselor would come to my house and just talk to me about human behavior.

I don't have money to pay for that now.

I'm holding back anger for H making me spend $200 today...right before Christmas...I so BADLY want to YELL SCREAM and SCOLD him!~!!

....but, I won't....'cause I don't want him to know anything about me...nothing.