Please send me good karma!!....I'm gonna need it!

[Silent Chrleader]

Well H called this morning to tell me that he would be working late the next couple of days so he could get Thanksgiving weekend (4 days) off to go up to Chelan (dream house) with S17 and me. He then said that Thursday, after MC, he and I will go out to dinner, and then Friday evening and Saturday H will be home to work on long overdue re-modeling projects.

Dare I hope that I didn't blow it as much as I thought yesterday.....??

[yellowrose]

SC

You are doing well. The only thing that I have to suggest is don't put any pressure on your h right now. He is leaning towards you but if you pressure him he will run back away. Try to keep your cool, don't call him alot, let him call you. This all takes so much time so please take it one day at a time. Your h is a different person than he was before MLC. Believe me I was in the same place as you are.

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, [[YR]].

My emotions were so volatile yesterday with all the discussion back and forth about the OW's STD testing (or lack thereof). This issue just drives me absolutely crazy and I have a very tough time acheiving any 'detachment' from it. I so want that part to just be over! H still has some contact with her because she is doing some work for him still until he finds another assistant. It drives me nuts when he seems to defend OW and says he believes her, yet he is skeptical of me all the time!

I am NOT going to call him at all for the next 2 days, until out MC on Thursday! Not even if the house is on fire!! (I will call the fire dept for that. )

[yellowrose]

SC

That sounds like a plan. My H used to defend the ow too. It used to make me sick to my stomach. He knows now what crappola she fed him!!!!

BTW, don't contact the ow anymore either. You are giving her too much power over you!

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

I never have been in contact with her directly since this all came out (although admittedly I did try, but the fates saved my behind there I think because she wasn't home). This whole "testing" thing has been through H.

Thanks again, for your kind support, YR. It is VERY much appreciated!!

[job]

S,
Please stop talking to your h about the ow. I know you've been concerned about STDs, but it's now time to stop giving her all of the power in your brain. You also need to find something or someone to talk to when you are about to have those meltdowns. It's not good to have them w/your h. Come here instead or call up a friend, or better yet, take a walk or beat a pillow up.

Keep your expectations at zero and try not to put any pressure on your h. He's got to see a new you and the changes you make will need to become permanent.

[Silent Chrleader]

I know, Snodderly. I do know, and I do come here to vent and I write in my "regular" journal too. The past couple of weeks have been very hard for me since finding out about the PA, and my emotions have been all over the place. I get very angry at myself for that!!!

[yellowrose]

SC

Don't get angry at yourself. It is okay to have meltdowns but not around your h. I know I used to go to my bathroom or bedroom when I felt a meltdown coming on when my h came over.

This is a learning process for all of us. Just take it easy on yourself and keep really BUSY!!!!!!!!!

Y

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I know, Snodderly. I do know, and I do come here to vent and I write in my "regular" journal too. The past couple of weeks have been very hard for me since finding out about the PA, and my emotions have been all over the place. I get very angry at myself for that!!!

Hiya, SC --

I would add an "amen" to this, and add that anything your husband or OW tells you regarding their affair is almost certainly going to be a LIE anyway, so why are you asking THEM to provide YOU with reassurance about ANYTHING??

Go get yourself tested, and then re-test again in six months. If your husband gets to the point where he wants to ML with you again, insist that he get tested first, and provide you with a copy of the results.

I think you're getting phenomenal advice here, but you asked me to stop by and give you my two cents, so here it is:

You need to do whatever it takes to get yourself more stable, immediately, before you can do anything to reconcile your marriage. You basically answered that for yourself, several posts ago, when you said (and I'm paraphrasing): "Who wants to be around someone who's melting down all the time?"

I believe it was Snodderly who said you've got to stop confiding in your husband, and turning to HIM for your emotional support right now. He's not in a position to help you (he's his own mess right now), and unfortunately he only sees this as WEAK, and "weak" isn't attractive. So come here, or call a friend or family member (I'd caution against MIL), but don't seek your consolation from your husband right now.

As I read all of your posts, from beginning to today's, I was struck by how STRONG you were in your initial confrontation with your husband. I found myself wanting to stand up and CHEER, alone in my office, for how you handled yourself that day! It may not have been classic DBing, but it sure was inspirational!

Somewhere the past month, THAT woman has gone away. We need to get her back.

I'll check back . . .

Puppy

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Puppy!

That's why I like you Puppy! You say what you think even if it's not "DB correct". Thanks for your advice and I think you are right! I spent a little time looking back through my written journal last night and saw how strong I was feeling and wondered where that went!? When my son told me the truth on the 5th, I think I was in shock (even though I always suspected it). Then I felt righteous anger, which is what got me through that first confrontation with H.

Then H seemed to be waking up at least a bit and seeing that his actions were not honorable, and I didn't want to "push" too much and make him run, and I wanted to be the "safe place he could fall". But, then during our MC last week, H clammed up at first (didn't know what to say) and when C looked to me for direction, I asked H why he there, and he started to say what he was sorry for and then seemed to stop almost mid-sentence and changed and said he'd wanted a divorce all along and never wanted to "go back" and he thought there was too much water under the damn! And the C didn't help at all!! So, I think I just panicked!!

I feel like I have lost a lot of ground in just two weeks since the PA bomb. How do I get that ground back? H is stepping up to the plate on spending time together to see what happens one day at a time, but it is out of guilt I know. I am confused about what my attitude should be, so my emotions have too much influence over me, I think. Am I the soft place to fall, or the cool aloof self-confident woman to whom it doesn't matter if he comes or goes. I want to be both, but have no idea how to achieve that.

By the way, H did get STD tested, and so did I and we both have re-tests in 6 months.

Again, thanks for you time (((((Puppy))))).